A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met someone about a year ago, it’s been mainly casual and on and off due to different things, (his and my insecurities, me seeing someone in the time we weren’t in touch) anyway we got back in touch and it was going so well, I even for the first time let my guard down and felt as if I’d found “the guy”. He then did a complete u-turn and decided to end things, saying his gut was telling him it wasn’t right. Since then we’ve barely spoken apart from when he’s been drunk and booty called, which I called him out on and we had a heart to heart where I told him of my feelings and we agreed not to “hook” up as we cared about each other and it wasn’t fair, but he still didn’t feel he could be with me and stood firm that he couldn’t be with anyone....which I stupidly believed so stepped back. Five weeks later he’s just tagged himself in a pic with his family and his new girlfriend on social media, to say I’m devastated would be an understatement but mainly I feel lied to and slightly like an idiot as I clearly wasn’t “perfect, amazing” and all the other things he said. I may be in my 30s but I still can’t understand why men feel the need to not be honest or “play games”.And now unfortunately this once decent, lovely guy is now someone else in my head. How do I move forward without just thinking I was never enough?
View related questions:
booty call, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2019):
 Its not about being enough, or perfect, or amazing. Its about compatability. Not everyone is a good match with everyone else. You and him were not a good match, that is all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2019): Let's just say 80% of your devastation is a bruised-ego, and the other 20% are truly hurt feelings.
You didn't appreciate what you had when you had it; then you tried recycling it. You called him out on the booty calls; but that was hypocritical, because you were up for it. You knew from the very start booty-calls with exes is a big fat no-no.
The reason post-breakup friends doesn't work is because you're setting yourself up. You get re-attached, you get played; and then you feel stupid. Meanwhile, he got a little vengeance. That's why it stings. You were seeing someone when you got back in-touch. He suckered you in, just to do just what he did. Pull you back from moving-on. Until he could dump you first! With your replacement to rub your nose in it.
Okay now, you're in your 30's; which means you've got some experience in relationships, and know a few things about life. Don't blame him for waking-up from his euphoria after the sex; which is what it was really all about anyway. You knew it!
I said it was 80% bruised-ego, because you let yourself get suckered. That sucks! In the beginning, you both were acting silly and childish about your "insecurities." Now you're trying to rewrite the past.
Move on, go forward. Don't look back!
Well, it was only going so well; because sex was on the table. At least until he found your replacement. You filled in when there was sex-drought! On a late drunk-night; when nobody else would accept an unexpected-visit.
You were a stand-in and a band-aid over his ego and old breakup wounds. His backup until he found what he was really looking for. You repaired his self-esteem; in-exchange for our own.
Casual-sex and being FWB's is just a way to get played; or you'll end-up messing-up your head by placing your feelings at risk.
It's now officially over. Comb your hair, straighten your skirt, stick-out your chest, and chin-up. Shake it off!
He has a new girlfriend. She gets your leftovers.
Take some time-off from serious dating. Get your feelings in-check. Travel somewhere you've never been. Tell yourself you're going to be okay; and he wasn't really all that anyway. You're ready to do something different and get-on with your life.
So...get-on with your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 January 2019):
 How do you move forward?
By not repeating the same mistake again.
When a woman AGREES to something "casual" a LOT of men tend to "classify her as a casual partner only. NOT someone to commit to, take home to the family, invest in (emotionally and otherwise).
I know it sounds like a double standard, but there it is. This is why CASUAL and FWB is RARELY a good idea for women. Because women tend to BOND emotionally with people they sleep with/have sex with on a regular basis. Men? Some do too, many do not.
So a woman who is WILLING to share her BODY is not going to be a "KEEPER" in many guy's mind. If she has SO little respect for herself, how can he have a higher one for her?
Why did he feel to LIE to you? Because you TOLD him your feeling even AFTER he had told you he didn't see a future with you. His "gut" told him it wasn't going to work. Because you had ALREADY been classified as a booty-call/casual partner. He thought by telling you that he didn't see a future with you... TWICE, you would take the hint. And for some idiotic reason, he didn't just tell you he had met someone else because he still wasn't sure SHE was a KEEPER either. So he wanted YOU as a spare sex-partner.
Get off his social media. BLOCK, DELETE his number and STOP checking up on him. YOU are wasting your time on that one.
DO SETTLE for casual if you REALLY want a relationship. Do skip all the "usual" steps in getting to know someone , dating them and THEM sleeping with them. When you go STRAIGHT to sex... you are seen as a woman who doesn't VALUE herself as more than a roll in the hay.
...............................
|
