A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Had a good weekend with my boyfriend of 5 months but a couple of things he said has played on my mind.We are both in our 40s, I have a teenage child, he has no children. My home life is a little more chaotic than his and his mum still does his washing and ironing, me I do my own.He made a comment that I didn't stay over his as much as he would like me too, although he already knows this is not possible. I can only stay over when my daughter is back from university and I don't always like to ask her as she comes home to see me. He has never really had a problem with this before. He comes to my house every weekend and we do get to go out for dates. The morning I was due to leave he sad he wished I could stay longer, although again he knew I had to be home by lunchtime as my daughter had a train to catch and I needed to spend time with my teenage child, I also had food shopping and ironing to do ready for work and school.Why is he commenting about these things now when he knew how my life was?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 You ask: "Why is he commenting about these things now when he knew how my life was?..."
Answer: Because he's an immature, self-centered little booy who thinks that his "Mommy" - either his real one, or YOU - are to be there to wait on him for his every beck-and-call....
Will you be content to have a "relationship" in which that is "the rule????"
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Oh now I understand, you have two kids and one who quite rightly cannot be left home alone overnight...that changes the dynamic considerably!!
If he knows why you cannot stay what does he expect you to do with your child?
Seems like he is playing the guilt card by acting all sad over this...but you are right, your child comes first and if he cannot understand, then he will just have to date someone who doesn't have young kids.
You seem like a smart women who can sense the manipulation that he is pressing on you...I got a feeling that if he presses too hard you will know what you are going to do!!!
Kudos for being a good mum!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a daughter at university who comes home to visit, I also have a 13 year old who I have 24/7 apart from going to school and two dogs. So the only time I can go and stay at his house is when my uni daughter comes home and is happy to look after my other child and my 2 dogs.
Her visits are only every 2-3 months and she has plans too when she comes and visits me.
Yes his comments can be seen as being sincere and genuine but sadly I have learnt that things like that have a hidden meaning.
Its not like I can drop my responsibilites and leave my 13 year old to fend for himself while I go stay at my boyfriends for the weekend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy children will always come first especially my younger child but eventually they will all fly the nest and I can enjoy time alone with him.
My children rarely interrupt us when he is at my house, we still enjoy nights together.
When we are at his house the sex is normally dirty and passionate compared to quiet and loving.
I do have responsibilities and shouldn't have to dump them for a boyfriend that seems to have none.
If he really wanted to spend more time with me then why does he not want to move in?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (28 May 2012):
This is a little confusing. He says that he wishes you could stay longer, and more often, but judging by your post it doesn’t sound like this is for him a stumbling block in your relationship. Isn’t it a nice thing that he wishes he could spend more time with you? Maybe he wishes he could see you more often, but knows that, because of your circumstances, that’s not possible. It sounds like a compliment that he’s paying to you. But if you’re worried, just ask him whether it’s a problem or not, or what he meant by the comments that he made, and tell him how much you value the time that you do spend together.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (28 May 2012):
 I didn't quite understand the part about the daughter and university, either. Could you clarify that a little, please?
Is there a reason that you can't leave the home unattended for long periods of time or is it a personal preference - either way, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be at home!
I agree that washing, ironing, shopping etc will always be there no matter what you do, but perhaps you have a routine that you prefer to keep to and therefore would rather up and leave then drop out of a chore once in a while?
If things have always been the way they are now, then there is no real reason why things should change but part of being in a relationship is progression and growth so perhaps he is looking to move to the next level or to see that he is perhaps a little more important than the ironing? He may simply be looking for a little validation?
Have you asked him why he questions your actions? Perhaps he could explain himself to you? He might feel like he's being used or just there for convenience if there is no passion or desire to stay longer on your part, but I couldn't possibly say because every person is certainly different.
Perhaps a long chat and some re-evaluation is in order?
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually I have a 13 year old child who cannot stay home alone and 2 dogs that need looking after, so when my daughter who is at uni comes home I can sometimes stay at his house but not all the time, that would be very unfair on both my children.
He knew this from the beginning.
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A
female
reader, Puffalapeno +, writes (28 May 2012):
I think you're taking his comments the wrong way. It sounds like he's just trying to let you know how much he enjoys spending time with you and wishes he could have more. I think he's just hoping for some indication that at some point he'll hold a higher place of importance in your life/schedule and will get the increased time with you that he craves. If that's never going to happen then do the guy a favor and cut him loose, otherwise find a way to reassure him that it's only temporary and give him a time frame for when you will be able to stay longer.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2012):
I don't understand why you can't stay at his whilst your child is at university...does your child live at home whilst attending uni or does she stay in halls of residence?...Do you have a dog that can't be left when there is nobody in the house?
I don't think he is being unreasonable wanting you to stay if you don't have a genuine reason.
As for shopping and ironing...well they will always need doing and you have to fit them in when you can.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Hi
He is becoming more attached which is either good or bad, depending on how you want things to go. He likes having you around. And wants more quality time.
You need to explain again your situation and have a heart to heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): Are you sure it wasnt just a gesture of affection? What i mean by that is maybe he just wanted you to know that he wishes he could spend more time with you. For instance when my bf leaves for work i tell him i wish he could stay... Not because i want him to call off of work or anything but because i love him and enjoy spending time with him. If this is bothering you why dont you talk to him about it. Honey when you say this, it makes me feel like you want me to stay with you instead of visiting my daughter etc. I dont think he means to be pushy but if he does, then you would need to draw the line or just continue to not indulge him. I hope that helps and good luck, our kids should always come first.
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