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anonymous
writes: Well, where do I start ? I met a girl about 7 months ago. We moved in together as friends. We were friends for about a month and then started dating. We were together for 6 months. She has a 6 year old son who looks at me like his dad and hugs me, jumps on me, he is so cute. Anyways... She decided that we needed a 2 week break. So we had our little break. I went back and then she told me that it was over. Not because of me but because she needed to sort her feelings out and didnt know what she wanted. So she had always said to me that we could never be friends after we broke up but she was and still is so insistant that we remain friends and that I still see her son. We have been apart now for 1 month and we are so so friends. I have been to her house a few times.. we have had a laugh and a giggle and the 6 yr old boy still runs to me and gives me hugs. He asked me why I was not there anymore... didnt know how to answer him but she had told him that I had moved out so I went with that. Now, she has recently met a new guy and its not serious as far as I know but she told me that if she ever saw a guy properly then she would still like to think that I would call round for coffee and see the 6 yr old boy. Now then.... here comes the confusing part.... She has now changed her phone number and I cant call her... yet when I see her, she tells me she is not seeing this guy and that to call round for coffee when we have spent all night just laughing ang joking. If she is seeing a new guy then this is whats confusing me... 1) Why not just tell me to go ? 2) Why still keep me around ? Claiming we are friends and that she needs me in hers and her son's lifes ? 3) Why tell me when we broke up that she didnt want a relationship and she is now seeing this guy ? 4) The 6yr old boy keeps asking me to go sleep there, live there and just go back to the way things were 5) When my ex gf and I talk she is always trying to look in my eyes and keep eye contact. 6) She told me that mine and her friend had called round and asked "Would she and I ever get back together?" When this friend didnt even say anything. I am so confused and I just wish somebody could give me a little advice on this... I guess a female's point of view would be better ? Not being sexist of course Thanks for reading this... A Confused Guy
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 January 2005):
 I'm sorry about this, Confused Guy, but she's keeping you around and on a string as a 'back-up' boyfriend in case this one doesn't work out and because her son loves you.When she said that she needed time to 'sort out her feelings' she was saying that the spark was gone and she wanted out. She didn't waste time in getting a different man in her life, did she? This isn't a sign that she wants to get back together with you any time soon! The change in her phone number wasn't something that she could have done accidentally, either. She did it to give herself more leverage and control of the situation. In other words, to keep you out unless she asked you back in.Here's this woman's perspective: she doesn't feel as strongly about the bond that you once had as you did/do, though she's ashamed of herself for throwing you out and afraid to hurt her son, who clearly loves and misses you. Her 'solution' is not to do anything except move you out and hope to keep everything else the same. I think she'd like to keep you as a friend and as a part-time Dad for the boy, but if you go only with that, you'd be selling yourself way short. Don't you deserve to be treated with love and respect? Don't you deserve a real relationship with equal power? Wouldn't it be better to love someone who loves you too?Your going back to her place hoping that you can get back together is, I'm pretty sure, just a hope. She doesn't really want you. I hope that there's some way that you can make an arrangement to continue to be there from time to time as a good role model for her son and I urge you to talk to her about this. But don't hold your breath, as I suspect that she'll try to use her boy as a bargaining chip to keep you exactly where you are. If you do get to see the boy, be sure to tell him in no uncertain terms that you love him the same as always, but that his mum and you just don't live in the same house now.I hope you can find the strength to look for a good relationship elsewhere, Confused Guy.
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