A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can't seem to understand my girlfriends actions sometimes. We are from different countries, though I work and live in her country.We have been together for eight months, though she sort of left her previous boyfriend for me, who had cheated on her. Everything is normally fine, some small arguements. but sometimes she is completely impossible and hysterical.It's really difficult to get her to open up and talk and thats not exactly because of our different languages. She will choose to constantly avoid issues or it's just my fault or cultural differences (i hate this excuse)Last night she started crying because of many small things - I didn't remember about an ingredient we used in cooking from weeks before.- Not understanding what she said when I genuienly didn't hear.- I also snapped a little when she was trying to force food in my mouth at the wrong time- Refusing to video with my mother until I had resolved my issues with her being angry.but she later started crying when I said that I believe things should be done equally. e.g a woman in my eyes should not be the one doing all the cooking and cleaning etc.I had no idea when she started acting like a child, once she starts, it's impossible to reason with her.This is maybe the third time this has happened in our eight months together, the rest of the time is great. I don't understand why.I'm not the most mature person or experienced in relationships, but it doesn't make sense to me.Also to note, her family don't approve of me because i'm a foreigner and our future is uncertain. She lives with me, but her parents don't know. I believe she doubts many things about our relationship together.thanks in advance for replies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): OP, I'm Chinese too, from a traditional chinese family, now living in the US and married to an american, and trust me none of her behavior is normal by cultural standards. my goodness....
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (8 January 2013):
Talking won't help change who she is. You can't tell a serial killer that what they're doing is wrong.
She needs counseling, and for your sake I wouldn't even think about marriage until she makes progress, TRUST ME!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Is there a pattern to her outbursts.
three times in 8 months? would it be maybe 3-5 weeks apart?
could it be hormonal? (along with some cultural acceptance of her behavior in the past allowing her to wallow in her misery)?
The only red flag I'm seeing that bugs me is that she still has contact with her ex. That alone would put me off of a person.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 January 2013):
Seek counselling or some other form of professional help. There is a chance she has underlying issues or could be suffering from a hormonal imbalance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Ummm...3 - THREE - times in eight months...sorry everyone but to me that really, really doesn't seem like a lot if you are living together...I'm not saying the arguments don't sound a bit odd but only three is surely not so bad? And any couple's arguments can sound a bit strange to others - it seems a bit unfair to say that she is unpredictable and OP should leave her on the basis of 3 arguments - it's not like she's threatening to kill him or herself. To me it sounds like she gets PMT and she gets emotional therefore and the actual content of the argument could be pretty much anything at those times...but PMT is not the end of the world, especially if both partners are aware that it is going on and can be extra sensitive to it at that time. If the rest of the time is great then it may literally need more time to just sort out the other stuff like parents and cultural differences etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Okay so I posted before I saw your follow up. I hate to say it man but maybe the reason she won't open up with you is because she already has that with her ex and doesn't feel she needs to with you. Maybe he's still her go to guy to talk about her issues with.
Not good OP. Something smells off there altogether. I think he's the elephant in the room here and this goes a lot deeper than just her answering calls. not to say she has cheated or anything like that but maybe the parts of her she hasn't allowed you access to yet are the parts she's keeping only for him.
Be careful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Unfortunately OP that kind of behaviour is learned and ingrained in a person. It has zero to do with culture, and it's not something you can change.
It sounds like she's highly strung, sometimes. I've dated women like her but far more frequent and I never really found a way to deal with that other than to completely ignore their mood and walk away until they'd worked through it mentally. I have to say that didn't go down well most of the time and they felt I was belittling their feelings or some other crap, unfortunately people like that tend to hold onto things too and when you return later a lot of the time they'd basically been sitting there with the anger boiling up. But honestly I just can't tolerate people turning into wailing brats in order to win an argument over something completely minor and turning on the waterworks has never worked on me. If they want to act like children then I will do what I would do with a child in that situation and tell them I'm leaving the room until they've calmed down and are ready to talk.
My honest opinion? You may not be compatible OP. I never worked well with women or men (as friends) who were like that. I am loath to pander to someone who acts brattish, it goes against all my instincts.
To top it all off OP after 8 months she's still a very closed off person who doesn't communicate well about issues. That's a very bad sign, it means you can't resolve things and maybe the reason she doesn't like opening up is because she can't handle that kind of thing and turns into a blubbering mess when forced to face such things.
My advice is to keep trying to get her comfortable enough to open up. Do not pander to her hyper-sensitive thing, walk away or just go do something else. I find people who do that, do it to play the sympathy card and try and disarm you. Try to get their own way by blowing something up to such an extreme degree that you have to bow to their overwrought emotions. Make sure you never do or it will become the basis of how things go in your relationship.
Look we all have our bad days, I'm probably the most grumpy morning person you will ever meet and we're all capable of losing our heads and being immature dicks from time to time. This is only the third time in 8 months, maybe that's because of the honeymoon period or maybe she just has her off days where she's a ticking time bomb and they're not frequent. See how it goes OP. Only time will tell really, this could get more frequent as the honeymoon period ends or she may just be a fine partner generally who has some rare off days that you just need to avoid at all costs.
I have my days like that, there's no talking to me really. My fiancée can tell before I even do and she knows on those rare days to keep interactions short and sweet for a few hours until I've worked it out of my system. She gets days like that too and I keep my interactions to a minimum, make her coffee, take the dogs out for a walk and leave her alone to calm down. It works for us because we understand each other, we don't battle each other to prove a point. If she got insanely pissed off about something menial then I know either something's up or it's one of those days but the difference is in those situations I can ask her that and she'll calm down just enough to tell me what's up.
If yours is not a talker then that's a lot tougher to do.
Take your time and see how this pans out, but learn not to play into her hands when she's like that. Take a big step back emotionally and don't turn it into petty bickering. "Woah, where did that come from?" is a pretty useful phrase.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I think the bigger question isn't why she is the way she is (could be a psychiatric disorder or just plain poor upbringing ) but haven't YOU broken up with her yet? You've only been together less than a year and this is how it feels, most people are still in the honeymoon phase. If this is your honeymoon phase can you imagine what the real relationship will look like?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is 23 years old and I'm 26. She is Chinese so the whole parent thing is quite important. They have a good relationship, but she has lived in another city for a good number of years from college and work. She has recently started living with me, but her actions are not related to that.She still answers her ex's calls. She hasn't met him since as far as I know. We spend almost all our free time together outside work. She knows I don't like it, but I toned my jealousy down as I do trust her, but you know can feel down about it. I think because they were together for five years that she still believes they can be friends and talk with each other. I would do everything for this girl, but I feel one small mistake by me undo's ten good things i've done for her. I seriously have to fight to spend money on her. This whole equal thing she started crying about, it's like i'm a bad person. I'm not sure why she cried over this equal thing, like she wants to be miles about me. It was only an expression that she would never have to do anything alone. I bought an iphone5 for myself and bought her one too, simply because I had one.Another example of her mentality with arguments. She asked me how many teachers work at my school and I replied four. She seemed surprised about the small number of teachers..so I said what your school only has five. It seems I insulted her because she I didn't regard her as a teacher, when infact her job is sales in her school. So then even their cleaners are teachers. I will look for opportunities to talk about these issues, but I've already mentioned problems to her and she avoids anything she can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): She sounds very scary!!! . I would not wish your relationship on my worst enemy.Ask yourself why are you with her when there are so many women who are sweet, loving and not scary.You need to end this relationship. Being in a relationship with someone like this is going to mess you up psychologically over the long term as you have to distort your reality and suppress your true thoughts and feelings in order to make it work. You'll end up an angry, depressed, anxious, frustrated and bitter person as your reward for keeping this relationship together. You will look around you and see happy couples and men who are so in love with their partners and you will feel bitter like you've been cheated out of a chance at even half of what other people have.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Just one thing... I've had experience with this (a girl i was with for a year) and wonder if what you are experiencing could be a mild form of borderline personality disorder.
I'm not saying this is it and I'm not one to throw around psychiatric terms it derives from a fear of abandonment. Don't tell your other half about it. Maybe read up on it. There are different degrees of severity.
Perhaps your girlfriend acts this way because her family has abandoned her?
I am no psychiatrist or expert though.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Hi
It sounds like frustration and pressure getting to her, or even the dreaded PMT.
The fact her parents don't know she lives with you is a red flag and pressure - why doesn't she just tell them? How old is she?
Did she move in with you from the start? If so you wouldn't really know each other would you? Did she just want some guy to go to when her last b/f cheated?
You say she doubts things about your future, so do I because her behaviour is so unpredictable. Sit her down and have a long talk, when she's rational, try to see what causes these outbursts,and see if there IS a future. Because if there isn't and she won't tell her parents, maybe it's time to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Ugh you should not be in a relationship with anyone who behaves so selfishly and erratically. No women I have ever known, ever act like this once they became adults. She has serious emotional instability issues.She has learner that crying and acting like a baby gets her attention and makes people gibe into her selfish wants. Therefore you need to not pander to her crying. Do not apologize for making her cry because you didn't make her cry, she made her own self cry. Forcing food into your mouth?? Seriously?? What person does this to their significant other?? There is never a right time for this! I would be extremely offended if anyone tried to force food into my mouth, and no one I know would ever do this to any adult so you're not in the wrong for getting mad for this she is in the wrong for even doing it (unless you have allowed her to foot before then that's your fault).You cannot fix her, so your choices are to put up with this (which is ridiculous in my opinion) or end this relationship. Hey sooner or later she will probably cheat on you like she did her ex, or being so childish and selfish she'll probably dump you for some other reason
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 January 2013):
Holy crap I think you may be dating my wife. If you figure it out let me know.
Honestly I have been married for five years and I don't know how to deal with it still. I feel like counseling would help.
My opinion is that in my wife's case, her parents were gone for long periods of the day leaving her fending for herself and her younger sister. Thus she had no positive role model to show her the mature way of dealing with her anger and other emotions. So to this day she deals with anger like a kid would.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
Because she's nuts.
She got cheated on by her boyfriend. She left him with you already lined up. Not a great foundation for a relationship. Now, you bear the brunt for her previous boyfriend cheating on her.
Just walk away.
I don't understand why you're with this girl. How long are you willing to put up with this? Another year? 2 years? Perhaps you could get married and get this for 20-40 years?
Find someone else.
This one's a WACKO.
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