A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair that was emotional for years and then physical for months. I ended it pretty quickly knowing how wrong it was - even leaving my job to get away from him all together. For the past couple of years he has continued to reach out, which I have just ignored. I finally feel like I have moved on and his outreach attempts seemed to have stopped, so I assumed it was finally truly over. Then he text me. I decided to answer to be a bit more blunt that I have moved on in my life. Connecting though opened the door for him to say things that now have me confused. He finally owned up to some of the bad ways he treated me (it got ugly in the end, not because we were found out but because of our work relationship). And he’s asked that we be friends. It is the friendship that we both miss the most - but I do realize that was the impetus for everything else. I guess I just don’t understand what he’s doing even trying to keep me in his life. Like why be friends? We are both still married to our spouses so I feel like he is just grasping at whatever small piece of me he can have. He says he cares about me, so he wants to know how things are going. I guess I know the answer that I can’t go down even a friendship path with him, I’m just trying to understand why / how he can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2021): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-ended-the-affair-we-are-both-still.html
If it helps, go back and reread the great answers the other aunts, uncles, and readers gave you the first-time. They were all very good answers; and it would behoove you to parish even the thought of letting this guy reinter your life. You literally got away with it! Your marriage survived!
Maybe fate brought him back; because you didn't get caught, and this time you will! Sometimes we owe a debt for something we've done wrong; and it's not paid until we get what's coming to us, or the truth has comeback to out itself. Not because you're predestined to be with him; but because your husband (and his wife) deserve restitution and vindication for your cheating. Why does he want to be friends? Because he wants you both to get caught this time!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2021): Typo correction:
"If your husband never knew about the affair, and you've managed to hide it up to now; the last thing you need is to let this guy get into [your] head (or bed) again!!!"
P.S.
You don't need to keep telling him anything; bluntly, or otherwise! Once was enough, if you meant it!
You need to continue ignoring him; until he gets tired of trying to contact you. If he calls you at work, don't say a word, hang-up the second you know it's him! You should even change your phone number; and you shouldn't respond to unidentified-callers. To ask why he wants to be friends implies you're weakening to the pressure; when you shouldn't even give a damn!!!
You're intelligent, experienced, and over 40; and you've been around the block. You're not naive. I also think you've asked this question at DC before. Your marriage sustained the first affair, don't press your luck! Being friends with a person you cheated with (who also treated you badly) is like asking to be shot at again; because the first bullet missed! He said he was sorry about how he treated you. Oh, that makes everything okay now, right?!! Guess how many women have ended-up dead by the hand of the man who said he was sorry, and they took him back??? Some even as "friends!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2021): I think he wants to pickup where you both left-off. Try ignoring unidentified-calls and any contact attempts from the guy you've cheated with. You've got a chance to put it behind you; and he's just trying to start it up again. Better hope your husband isn't checking your phone!!!
I don't think it warrants any concern or contemplation. What he really wants is to be "friends with benefits;" because that's how one thing leads to another. Until you're caught, and the poop hits the fan! You actually ended it without incident. That rarely happens!
If you really don't want to hear from this guy again; you don't even have to acknowledge him. If I were you, I'd get into some marriage-counseling with your husband. It seems you can't seem to help yourself when it comes to this guy; or you wouldn't be here on DC about him. Who gives a rat's pa-tootie why he wants to be friends??? You were in a dark place back then. Somehow you and your husband have worked it out. Don't muck it up!
If you don't want to be friends, it will never happen anyhow. Unless you're afraid he'll blackmail you by informing your husband about the affair? Be that the case, best you tell your husband first; because if you do become friends, he'll figure it out anyway. If he doesn't have suspicions about you already. He might even know, and looked the other way; knowing you had issues in your marriage in the past. You stuck it out with your marriage; and now temptation is knocking at the door. Are you weakening to the temptation? Is that it?
That guy is going to pull every stunt in the book to restart that affair, and I think you know that. I also think you miss him, and he's getting to you. Isn't that really why you've come to DC? If your husband never knew about the affair, and you've managed to hide it up to now; the last thing you need is to let this guy get into you head (or bed) again!!! The devil wants to kill your marriage, is he winning?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 November 2021):
 If you want your marriage to work, TELL him ONCE and ONCE only to STOP contacting you OR you will tell his wife.
And then you BLOCK him, DELETE his info and get a new phone number. And yes, you tell your husband that he tried to initiate contact and you, therefore, want a new phone number and to not be contacted by him. be transparent.
You seem to waffle here. It's like you want your marriage but you aren't totally willing to cut off the affair partner. Which is unfair to your husband.
WHO cares that the AP wants to be "friends"? Do you WANT your marriage to be salvaged and work or not? Obviously trying to be "friends" is NOT going to do anything positive for your marriage, you know that. It's common sense.
This guy treated you badly in the end, is THAT really someone you NEED to keep in your life?
Yes, I can see how contact stirs up some of the "better memories and feelings" but you need to shut that down. BE the adult here and nip it in the bud. This is not OK.
I presume you want your husband to trust you after the affair, which is already an uphill battle, and then this?
If you don't want to be married anymore, tell your husband that and divorce, don't self-sabotage this second chance you got. Don't make your husband regret that he GAVE you a chance to DO BETTER.
" I’m just trying to understand why / how he can."
It doesn't matter. HE doesn't matter. He is probably hoping you will be (down the line) open for some more cheating.
He isn't happy in his marriage but he is staying with her, for whatever reason. Instead of working on his marriage, he is hoping to re-kindle YOUR feelings and lust for him.
His poor wife.
You DO know the answer but you need to figure out why you are dragging your feet. This should have been a no-brainer.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (8 November 2021):
 I'm guessing that him establishing contact with you he wants a lot more than the friendship path and that he wants to rekindle what you had before.
As you know having an affair is wrong revolving around lying and cheating. I think that you are lucky to have still kept your marriage after you were found out. A lot of times once the trust barrier has been broken its often to damaging for a relationship to continue.
I don't think that you should have replied to his text, as he now kind of wormed his way in and got you thinking. If you keep contact with him i fear you are going to start up an affair with him again, and i think you won't be so lucky the second time around.
If you value your marriage block this guy and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2021): Come on now you are experienced enough to know better. He wants to keep you around to get back in your panties first chance he gets.
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