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female
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anonymous
writes: Ok, agony aunts, let me know your thoughts on this one please cos i am all out of answers!!I have been seeing a guy for about a year and a half. We work together and started seeing each other pretty much as soon as i started at my job. We have become best freinds. We love spending time together, going for drinks after work nearly every day. We have such a laugh, constant banter. We e mail and text pretty much all day and night, and we have the most amazing chemistry - it's nothing i have ever experienced before. Me and him are great... BUT here it is, he has a girlfriend of 3 years! she lives in a different town to us, but its only about 40 mins drive. They see each other once or twice a week. They are not very close and dont seem to have the chemistry or fun that we do(from what our friends have told me). Nonetheless he is still with her and it seems he will stay with her. She is very reliable and looks after him and he tells me he loves her which i dont doubt. He says that he is in love with her tho - i dont see how that can be true.I know he loves me so much, he only recently started to tell me but i have seen it for many months, i just think he was trying to fight it. About 6 months ago he would laugh if i asked him if he loved me. last week i asked him how he can be with 2 girls like this he says, he doesnt really think about it. he says he loves me and he loves her. He wont leave her cos he has said so and he thinks that if i was with him i would be off cheating on him or something!!! that is because i still go out with other guys if they ask me out - not very often but i cant wait around for this guy forever. He is extremely jealous so i dont tell him anything about any other guy that i might have a date with or soemthing. I know this sounds so ridiculous and its like he is having his cake and eating it, and maybe me too, but he is not a mean player or anything. He is a genuinely nice guy and you would not think he could do this. Its hard for you to answer cos you dont know him, but everyone agrees that he genuinely loves me but cos he is so laid back he is just going with the flow and doesnt want confrontation with his girlfirend.I do love him so much and i ahve become used to the situatuion. i spend so much time with him and i dont really think about him being with her - i prefer not to. so thats the summary, best way i can describe the situation in a short space.. but here are my questions..will he ever leave her?if not why not?why does he not see himself with me when we are so goood together?how can he love 2 girls like this???!thanks for anyone that can help xx i look forward to your response x
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (26 April 2007):
 What Keira is trying to bring up, I think, is the concept of polyamory. The idea that you can love more than one woman at the same time. It is entirely possible that he does truely love both of you. But the problem here is that he is not being open and honest with his girlfriend. You know all about and accept her, but does she even know you exist? All parties have to accept the situation and agree to it, otherwise it is cheating. Doesnt matter if he loves you or if there is anything physical going on here, he is doing it behind her back. If he can get her to accept you as a part of his life than he will be free to love both of you with all his heart. This idea has been frowned on by society so much. We are conditioned to make choices, only one true love allowed. But if it works for you, go for it!
A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (26 April 2007):
Let me as you this: Do you have any siblings? Do you think it odd that your parents loved each and everyone of their children? People who already know they can love more than one person have such a time dealing with knowing a man can love two women, or a woman can love two men. We have been conditioned by society to believe it is impossible, yet historically, we know that it has not been. What is taboo today may not have been before, and what was taboo before may not be today.
When it comes to love, we can be so selfish -- but is that really true LOVE? Is love selfish? What did is say in the Good Book - love envies not? love is not jealous?
Yes, I believe it is possible for him to love two people at the same time. If you think seriously about it, you might see the possibility in it too. But we are taught this is unaceptable. I say, it doesn't matter what other people think.
Anyway, I hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): Well you are just like me except I've been in this for 3 years and I've had the same answers. He says it is just different with me and he doesn't compare me to her. Just read my post "I am in love with a married man and he is my soul-mate but will he ever leave his wife and kids" - the responses I have received have been mixed but read to see what you are getting into. I have no regrets ever meeting him or being the other woman, but it has brought incredible heartache and nothing is worse than feeling second-best. When you love someone you will do everything to be with them, at the cost of friends, appointments and work. By my choice. It becomes a very isolating life. If you can stomach it and can handle that he loves someone else, continues to sleep with that person and divulges his relationship with her to you, then you make your choice. It is very very very hard though. He is my best friend and I will never give that up. However after receiving all the advice on this website I have asked him for some time away from him. What is hurting me more is not speaking or seeing my friend, not the physical aspects or whatever, although it is lovely to hear how they feel about you, get texts, phone calls, go away for weekends or have lunch together. I have walked away for the time being so that he can discover himself without me being there. Don't become his escape or his happy hour. Everyone will tell you you are venturing into a very lonely existence, but you guy is not my guy. My guy has children and a childhood sweatheart he is trying to rediscover. I don't hold out much hope that he will find her again, but that is for him to discover on his own...not from me telling what the answer is.
Hope that helps and anytime you want to talk, let me know. I know exactly how you feel.
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