A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This happens to me constantly, and it always puts me in an awkward position. I am almost never interested in the guy they've chosen for me, and then I feel guilty a.) because I feel I'm disappointing the friend who is doing the setting up, and b.) I feel bad for the guy, who is usually super interested in me. Often, these are live set ups, where they keep telling the guy I'm single and gloating over how hot and accomplished I am... and I don't like the guy at all. It is strange how I can sit at a party, enjoying myself, minding my own business, not complaining about being single even one little bit, and still have people do this to me! In fact, I now have insomnia because this just happened to me again tonight.Is it rude for me to preemptively ask my friends not to try to set me up unless I express interest in the other person? I hate the I feel I'm being auctioned off and that I don't get a say in who I want to date vs who is not worth the pressure. It's gotten so bad and so prevalent, that I'm tempted to become a hermit just to avoid it! Like, leave me alone. Let me pick a guy I actually like! I'm a big girl! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2015): Why are you so hesitant to ask them to stop?
Friends and family mean well, but you have to set the boundaries regarding your personal love-life.
Culturally, people always feel you should be coupled-off at a certain age; if not married. Heterosexuals feel you have to prove your sexual-orientation in order to decide how to judge you. They need evidence of what team you play on. So they won't come right out and ask you; they'll push the opposite-sex on you to knock you out of the closet, or deeper inside.
There is still the old-school of thought that women who aren't married by a certain age, will become lonely old-maids with six cats. They just assume because you're alone, you're lonely. They want to invite you out do do "couples" things; but when you're a happy single, you are most often judged as a loner. A third-wheel. They get tired of waiting for you to join the team; so they plot to get you hitched.
I'm a gay man. Not really in the closet, just selective with whom I prefer to come out to. I was constantly being set-up by friends and relatives with nice women. I had a boyfriend since I was 17! Lasted 28 years! I had to hide because it wasn't as acceptable then. Though most gays were proudly out. Not comparing that to what you're going through; but knowing how it feels to have strange people thrust upon you and placing you in the awkward position of having to reject them; or being rejected. Once many knew I was gay, and my partner had passed away. I was getting the worst mismatched and most awful gay love-connections match-making straights could find. Just assuming I'd be attracted just because they're the same-sex and gay too. I shudder just to look back on it.
Speak-up and explain that you are happily single. You'll find what you want when you're ready, and the sparks ignite when he comes your way. If friendship is contingent on your being half of a couple (or proving you're straight); perhaps you may want to find yourself a circle of single friends who like to enjoy doing activities without feeling it's always necessary to be attached or bring a date. I was accused of being snobbish, too picky, or hiding. It was none of the above. (I am selective.) Love found me; because I was happy and available. It showed when he came along.
Nobody had anything to do with it, but the two of us.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 December 2015):
 It it NOT rude for you to tell your friends to STOP trying to set you up. Nor is it rude to excuse yourself from the situation where they are trying to set you up and simply walk away. And it's not rude either to TELL a guy they are trying to set you up with: "look I'm not looking for a BF, my friends don't seem to get that WHEN I want to date I'm quite capable of finding myself a date, I wish you luck, but I'm not interested."
No need to feel sorry for the guys, I think it's actually kinder to NOT go on a date with them or fake interest if you TRULY are not interested.
So tell them and mean it. Which means if you hear a " Oh you NEED to meet Bob he is JUST your kind of guy", you say: "no, thanks".
You say you are a big girl, now ACT like one. Take charge and tell them to stop. No need to try and please everyone all the time.
And yes, I have been there done that and even went on a couple of blind dates to "please" my friends, until it dawned on me that they had a VERY different taste in men than I did.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 December 2015):
 People have no idea something bothers you, or how much, when you're too nice about it. And they won't be compelled to change their behaviour if they do when they never have to suffer the discomfort their actions bring about.
The next time they try pimping you out to someone, do not feel obliged to spare anyone's feelings. Be courteous, but honest. The same if a man approaches you on their recommendation. People don't like being set up to fail and your friends won't be seen in too good a light when others cotton on to what they're doing. Let it be on THEM.
Direct and to the point. No explanations either. What you said to us here is perfect. Say it to them and don't try to soften the blow when you do.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 December 2015):
It must a growing bad habit where they feel compelled or entitled to hook you up with guys. It is probably out of hand now so just tell your friends to stop hooking you up. Just keep it simple and to the point but most importantly let them know. If it happens on the spot and you aren't able to control the situation, just jokingly tell the guy that is being fixed that you aren't interested right now. Get a second phone if you have to.
This might be a situation where your friends are couples? As you get older it becomes harder for singles to hang out with couples so they might be doing this out of pattern where everyone seems to have hooked up already. I don't like the idea of anyone dictating my pace but at the same time I don't depend on my friends for anything, even as a ride unless I really need to. At least, not with friends who do not know me.
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