I've got a general question about relationships and wonder if anyone else can relate to what I'm going through. I am a 33 year old lesbian. I've dated women since I was 18, but one thing I have never understood about women, particularly lesbians, is why it seems that they are incapable of being alone and go from one relationship to the next without any pause or hesitation. A serial monogamist, if you will. But it's like one ex girlfriend isn't even cold in her grave yet before they are already out having a committed relationship with another girl. And it's really strange to me.For example, I broke up with my most recent girlfriend and within a day, she was already in a relationship with another woman. The reason why I ended it was because of that very issue. I didn't feel like she was with me because she wanted to be with ME. Rather, I felt like she was with me because I was the thing that was temporarily occupying her space and time. Her loyalty lied with having a relationship, NOT with me personally. And that flies in the face of everything I hold valuable about relationships. It did validate why I broke up with her and made me realize I made the right decision, but it was very disappointing nonetheless. Because after all, I was right - she really didn't care about me. She only cared about having a relationship.I had the very same issue with the woman I dated right before her, and the woman before her. Literally every relationship I've had is the same exact way - once our relationship ended, within a day or two, they began another one with someone else. And I don't want women like that. When I'm in a relationship with someone, it's because they are very special to me and because I care about them for who they are. I date them until I discover whether that connection is strong enough to turn into a committed relationship. And if I decide the connection is there, and the relationship eventually ends, I'm genuinely sad over the loss of them from my life and the last thing I want or am even thinking about, is another girlfriend immediately.My most recent ex started seeing someone the same day that we split, and then when that one quickly ended, she immediately had another girlfriend to fill that other girl's spot. She has now gone through three different girls in less than 2 months, all of which she has been single for a total amount of probably no more than 3 hours. I have asked her why she does this because it baffles me. And it makes me feel hopeless that no woman will ever actually be with me because they want to be with me, rather they just feel like they need me to fill a void. However, she seems to think this is totally normal behaviour on her part. She doesn't see anything odd about it. In fact, I'm convinced she thinks I'm the weird one.To me, it simply shows that they just don't care about you at all. They just want someone, ANYONE, and they don't care who it is. And the moment that somebody better comes along, they will drop you in a heartbeat because they have no actual loyalty or allegiance to you. They are just using you to consume some time because they are incapable of being alone.Why do people do this? And has anyone else struggled with this in dating besides me? It is such a let-down and really seems to be my biggest issue with relationships. Any thoughts or advice?
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, lesbian
|<-- Rate this Question|
Reply to this Question
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):Once you dumped her she was free to do as she pleased and it should be of no concern to you who she sees and when.
Maybe she felt she had invested too much time into you and by dumping her she felt she needed to speed her life up and meet new people.
She didnt need to ask your permission for this.
You made it clear to her that the relationship was over so it doesnt make sense for her to pine for you.
|<-- Rate this answer|
reader, Woodstock54 +, writes (13 September 2017):Wow, this is pretty much to a T what I just posted. My ex was the same way, she swore up and down that she loved me but I still felt like she was just with me to be in a relationship, not because she loved me. All I can say is it sucks. The glamour of being in a relationship appeals to girls now a days more than actually being with someone you love....Now, moving on to the more logical side. A lot of people from what I have seen do this because they think they can "achieve" the next best thing, that it will improve their life this much better. Unfortunately this is a vicious cycle that a lot of people do until they get burned and realize that they can't treat people like crap. Also, a lot of time, people wake up from this type of lifestyle of running to the next great thing and realize they don't have anyone that truly cares for them creating the desire to "find" someone that does all the stronger. It's an immature game and you're better off getting out of it before hand. The only thing I would suggest is maybe taking it slow and becoming friends with your next girlfriend and know her for a bit before committing to a relationship. This weeds out the relationship jumpers.Wise owl is right though, a lot of this comes about because of unrealistic standards that are set forth now. The spread of reality tv shows and social media with non stop sharing of "glamorous" things has led a lot of people, both gay and straight to think that "this" is how relationships must be to be good or it leaves people wanting because they see others having absolutely amazing things.I can tell you from my own personal experience I tell a lot of women if they want to date me, be my friend first. So many are confused by what I mean by that but the ones that understand tend to be great friends and some of them turned into pretty dang good lovers, either way it weeds out the ones that want an ego boost. (I'd be married but I was in the military and due to being moved around so much I had to break off good relationships because they were to soon to take the real commitment).
|<-- Rate this answer|
reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (13 September 2017):I can't say all lesbians are addicted to relationships; and go from one relationship into the next. They don't all have cats do they?
I have observed that many don't like being alone. I also note that gay people generally tend to go through a series of relationships, in close-succession. They don't workout; and are often riddled with insecurities, infidelity, and unrealistic-expectations. Then season it with promiscuity and narcissism.
For the most part; gay people have to learn how to have relationships. Parents usually only teach you how to have a heterosexual-relationship. They don't have advice for being gay. Gay people gravitate towards pop-culture. A fantasy-world. They follow fads, social-media, fashion, and they tend to have fairy tale-notions about love and relationships.
Most can verbalize and describe what type of relationship they want; but few are able to maintain one according to their own guidelines and set-criteria. Read their profiles and self-assessments on dating-sites. You'd wonder why someone so great doesn't already have a match? Right? Especially the hot ones? That's because they're crazy and superficial! Clueless, ageist, and vain! Time and reality will bring them back down to earth. Age is not a curse; it's a cure for foolishness.
Only women understand the feelings of a woman. I know that women are more openly and outwardly expressive of their feelings; and they don't deal with loneliness or rejection well at all. They do take to forming relationships much quicker than we men. You have to chase us with a spear and a net!!!
We must be careful about perpetuating stereotypes and over-generalizing. Your experience in gay-culture is more anecdotal than it is factual. We all have our stories. We also fit some of the bad stereotypes; I hate to admit.
Dating for everyone is a human-experience full of mystery, confusion, and frustration. Regardless of race, gender, or sexual-orientation A process or ritusal that defies logic and reason. We're dealing with human-nature, for goodness-sake! People searching for love and a mate make no sense; because that endeavor is guided by lust and our emotions. Emotions and human-responses to various stimuli don't always make sense. Although emotions are common in all of us.
You have to judge by character and what seems consistent about a chosen mate. You have to evaluate your differences; as well as the things you hold in-common. The devil is in the details. It's the differences you should study more closely. They are usually hidden on purpose. We tend to create the best and most desirable image of ourselves as possible. We cheat and embellish!
People are always in a hurry! Forever racing the clock; and demanding immediate-gratification. Nowadays, so many young gay people have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement; and this unrealistic impression that you're not supposed to experience pain, rejection, heartbreak, or unhappiness.
News flash! Everybody does!
They think hiding in a relationship alleviates or deflects human-suffering. They won't let go of old-baggage. They are a bundle of insecurities; and racked with indecision. Wanting a girlfriend or boyfriend before they even have a clue what independence is!
How do you maintain a long-term relationship with no sense of self, and tools for survival? You don't go shopping for people to compensate for your weaknesses. You only take what you can give back! You develop your own muscles, not lean on others for their strength.
You're over 30, and should have some experience under your belt. Don't become cynical over a few bad choices or mishaps. Dating is after-all, a process of selection. You find a girl you like, and soon afterward label her girlfriend. My argument is that most people commit far too soon. Divorces are rampant for this very reason. You don't fall out of love. Not if it's real. You can have irreconcilable-differences. That means you can't compromise, and you want somebody new to f*ck.
Gay-relationships are based on the most ridiculous criteria, skewed thinking, and having the most outrageous expectations. They also don't realize that all relationships don't endure time. Some end quickly. Proof of committing too soon, and for the wrong reasons. Even if it was good; but it was supposed to be short-term. Such is life.
Give yourself time. You've been in quite a few relationships yourself. Try taking time-off. Flirt with being an independent-woman. Date for fun, and no other reason. Don't always include sex. Be a little selfish. Live a little, seek knowledge, and enlightenment. You have to be a work in progress; or you'll never evolve. You'll repeat the same mistakes, and attract the same old type of women.
I stopped searching and just enjoyed being me. Love found me, and he's in the shower getting ready for bed. I am closing my comments by saying. Don't fault others when you keep finding the same type of women. Don't cast them as stereotypes; maybe it's the kind of females you're most attracted to. Maybe you should enjoy being single for awhile.
|<-- Rate this answer|
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):As a heterosexual woman I can tell you that this is exactly what every single man I've ever been in a relationship with has done too and also I have noticed that men my friends have been with do the same . Here I was thinking it was a 'guy' thing .
I think it must be a thing that insecure people do because of a fear of being alone and maybe also the ego of needing a partner to boost them . Maybe men and leveibism women are more prone to this behaviour
|<-- Rate this answer|
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 September 2017):I think it our of fear. Fear of being alone.
I don't think it's just lesbians who do this, as I have seen it some with gay men and straight people too.
What it comes down to is finding a person who has the same standards and values as yours. Being a lesbian DOES make that a little harder as the "dating pool" might seem a lot smaller than that of a straight person. Which leads to that fear or scarcity mentality. Which means SOME will seek out and "grab" the FIRST available person whether they are suitable or not.
I have met quite a few straight men who always lined up a "replacement" when things got tough. Instead of working on the relationship they had one foot in a new relationship while winding down the current one. Which unfortunately also meant that the problem they had on the current relationship would spill over to the next one and the same kind of issues would arise, over and over.
As hard is it might sound you might have to be WAY more picky about whom you chose as a partner. IF she is a "flitterbug" BEFORE you start dating that will not change. So maybe you need to look at the places/apps/sites where you have met your past partners and try something different - when you are ready to date.
Why they do it, is kind of irrelevant in the sense that these women are NOT a good match for you so no need in wasting your time speculating WHY they do stuff. If you know what I mean?
|<-- Rate this answer|