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Her messaging with a guy makes me uncomfortable!

Tagged as: Cheating, Health, Social Media, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 September 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2017)
A male United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Hi, my girlfriend of 7 years has been talking to a guy on and off for about 3 years now, I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with it and I get mixed responses.

One time she said if you don't like me talking to **** Ill stop, I don't want to hurt you.

Most recently I was told she likes talking to him and she's not going to stop.

The reason behind feeling uncomfortable with it is that there has been a history between them. And the smiles that she get when receiving a message from him, I never get those anymore.

A friend of mine told me to be straight with her and basically tell her that if she cared for me like she says then she would coinsider that and cut ties with him. But I don't want to be perceived as "that guy" that controls who she can and can't talk to.

But when I mention the girls that I have had to cut out because they make her uncomfortable she has a go at me

I have been reading the messages and for the most part they seem innocent but it's. Ones where there stating how nice it was to talk to each other and have sweet dreams that bother me.

Brief history: we have three children 7, 6 and 2. She suffers from depression as do I.

I'm 30 and she is 28

So am I in the wrong for feeling the way I do because I know she is entitled to speak to who ever she chooses or is she because she is insensitive to the way the situation makes me feel.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntLet us know how you get on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you to both aunt honesty and youcannotbeserious you have provided a helpfull insite and I am going to try and have a long discussion with her tonight about everything that needs addressed.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (15 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntPersonally if my husband told me that me texting someone was hurting him, I would stop right there and then because I love him and would not want to make him feel uncomfortable. She is putting her own feelings in front off yours at the moment. She obviously enjoys the attention that she gets from messaging this other guy, and it would upset me as well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Aunt honesty. You hit the nail on the head I do feel I am being taken for granted. To be honest while waiting for answers I have been exploring options of becoming a single parent to all three of them. I mean it can't be any harder than I already find it.

Also I had a thought may be me over analysing but if she is aware that talking to this guy upsets me and says she enjoys talking to him and isn't going to stop does that mean that she enjoys hurting me to or she just wants to do what she wants and feels it's not her problem?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntFirst off I think you also need to seek help with your depression. Secondly she needs to start helping you with the children. You both need to sit down and talk, if you cannot do that together then go to couples counselling. You need to get this under control now. I don't think this is about some guy she is writing to, I think it is about your whole relationship in general. You probably feel like you are making all the effort and not getting anything in return? You need to be able to tell her how you are feeling. It is not fair if she is taking you for granted.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

She gets help, I dont. I do most of the care of the children, she spends alot of time in bed. I wish we could make time for ourselves but an excuse always arises. I always tell her I love her but when I try to cuddle she says, I'm burning up or I don't want anyone near me at the moment. I always buy little things even if it's a £1 rose just something to make her smile. I do appreciate her but never know how to show it fully.

I know it wasn't asked but it may. The sex life is OK 1-2 times a week sometimes 3 if I'm lucky. But it's become organised and kind of a routine. But I'm OK with that because of the stresses and tiredness of being a parent you can exactly goner it in the middle of the day with a toddler running around.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2017):

Your feelings are your feelings. There is nothing "wrong" about feeling a certain way. You cannot help the way you feel. However, your depression is very likely to be colouring the way you feel so are you both getting help for your depression?

You have three young children. Do you help her with caring for them? I think, if you work on your relationship and make it stronger, you will feel less threatened by her texting this other guy. Make time for each other, reconnect as lovers rather than just mum and dad. Can you get a baby sitter one night a week and take her out on a date night to spend time as just you and her, rather than parents? Do you tell her you love her? Do you cuddle her and make sure she knows how much you appreciate having her in your life? Do you buy her an occasional little gift just to show you were thinking about her?

Well done for not insisting on her stopping texting this guy as that will just drive it underground and she will become secretive. My advice would be to tackle it from the other end and make your relationship better so you feel less threatened by her having a male friend.

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