A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with a married man for 2 years.Been here before.I find that after this long, it is harder for me to TRUST him.Can anyone enlighten me as to WHY I am having a harder time after this long trusting him?I actually found that I trusted him more in the beginning.You would think that as time goes on, I would trust him more but no, I actually trust him less.Any ideas?No judgment or I should leave just opinions as to why it is harder for me to trust him now and why it is harder for me to keep remaining in this relationship? Everything seemed easier in the beginning but now we need to put more work into our relationship. Due to issues all on my end to be honest because he is content with how everything is. It is me that is having a hard time. He says stuff like he doesn't want to lose me, how I am the perfect lover, beautiful and on and on but I am the one who is finding it more and more emotionally difficult.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): I think TWO years is a long time to be in a relationship without a full on commitment.
I think we all reach our "breaking point" in our own time. That EPIPHANY will hit like a ton of bricks eventually.
What one will find is that even LOVE isn't enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): It's OP again.
I am blown away, "like I see it."
Totally and utterly blown away.
Nailed it. AGAIN. Nailed it. Every single word. Gospel truth.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I truly believe that the reason he is still content in the relationship while you are increasingly less so is that from day one he did not NEED as much from the relationship as you did.
He is already married, so he already had someone in his life providing him with at least some of the things that most people want or expect from a relationship. His wife may be a terrible lover, for example, but she may still be a good housewife/cook/social companion/ear to vent to/whatever it is that made him propose to her in the first place. Let's say for hypothetical purposes that she is able to provide 50% of what he wants in order to be content with his life (although that number may be much higher; the only side of things you get is his side and he's probably not going to sing her praises to you.) So when he set out to find an additional partner, he only needed to find that other 50% lacking from the existing marital relationship he was already in.
YOU did not have a partner already. So you approached the relationship with him ready to give 100% of yourself and looking in turn for someone who could give 100% back, thereby fulfilling the expectations YOU have for a relationship.
You're realizing now that while you put 100% into this relationship, you're not getting an equal effort back. You're 100% invested while your partner only values you as a source of the 50% HE is missing at home. You're starting to resent that, because who wouldn't? No one likes making all the effort all the time, or being the lonely one all the time. Meanwhile your partner is getting the 100% you give, and because all he really needs from you is that hypothetical 50% missing from his current marriage, he has no reason NOT to feel content with the arrangement. Between you and his wife, 100% of HIS needs are being met. Meanwhile you are looking for 100% in return, but getting only the small percentage of his time, effort, and emotional investment that he can fit in for you while still married to someone else - likely not EVEN 50%.
It's a fantastic deal for him, and a really lousy deal for you, because you're the one left feeling lonely and insecure despite being in a relationship - or rather the shreds of one that he's able to offer up.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (17 May 2015):
you find it harder and harder to trust him as time goes on because you see what he is capable of. The cheating, the lying, the double life. You are the mistress, not the girlfriend. He cannot be your boyfriend while someone elses husband at the same time. Just get out of there, there will always be an excuse for why it is so "hard" etc
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Sometimes the fantasy is all they have.
And all that matters.
Unless you have walked in these shoes, you won't know how powerful an ADDICTION an affair really is. And how difficult it is to ever get out. Because when you do, you are in WITHDRAWAL like withdrawal from a DRUG. And you keep going back to that partner for another hit. It is an endless, vicious circle.
The best advice is never to start it in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2015):
 Where in all this "fairy tale" romance relationship does the wife fit on?
Have you EVER thought of that?
Have you ever considered that YOUR action (just like HIS) are HURTING someone who DOESN'T deserve this?
Or are you like so many other "mistresses" out there in the mindset that "if the wife was a better wife, lover, woman" he wouldn't cheat on her with ME?
I'm curious because I see SO often on DC these women, like you who have "relationships" with married men not give a fly's fart about ANYTHING than themselves and their little fantasy world.
You relationship is a fantasy. You think he NEVER lies to you? Really? He "only" lies to the wife, right?
You will, if you don't MAKE the choice to leave and cut the contact, end up waste more than 2 years on a man who isn't "yours", who can't spend Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving etc. with you and the family, because... YOU are not a priority. YOU are a means to an end. Having some fun "illicit" sex outside of the marriage.
I just don't understand. EVERYONE knows how detrimental cheating is. Whether it's in a marriage or relationship -so WHY CHOOSE to "date" a guy who is married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): It's the OP here.like I see it, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.I have never seen anybody nail an answer so perfectly like that before.You are very wise.Everything you said is right. Like you are reading my mind. It's that right.I just cannot find the courage. This is where it always ends up.It is because he is giving me something I need. To be honest, I have so many other problems in my life right now and without that hit of euphoria he gives me, I would be an absolute mess and don't think I could go on.Sounds crazy but I strongly believe I am ADDICTED to him and he is ADDICTED to me. It is a very powerful attachment. We have tried to break it off a few times and the pain of separation was too great for both of us. We so desperately wanted each other. And still do. Despite it all...this big problem of trust and honeymoon fairy dust wearing off... we still want each other 2 years later. And it is still going strong. I think I am hanging onto that romanticized ideal, the star crossed lovers, the impossible love, the tumultuousness of a love that can never be... And holding onto the fantasy. I was able to rationalize it much more in the beginning and delude myself. But now after 2 years I see he will never leave his wife and it will always be a lie. I know he can never be mine. He has always told me this. Never lied. But like all other women before me and after me in this position, I thought I would be different. And some of the problems are also due to my resentment toward him for not committing to ME by now and not giving me what I really want which is a real relationship because at this point, I think I could love him but I would never tell him. So how do you walk away from love?You know, the honeymoon fog does wear off but the feelings are stronger. And yes I am invested emotionally. Likely more than him although I suspect after 2 years he also cares about me. It is very sexual this relationship. The sex is the best ever for both of us. We just had that undeniable spark and connection from the very start. This is hard to walk away from. The high we both get when we are together for an afternoon or a few hours. It's just unstoppable. Believe me, we would be at a loss without that feeling we have for each other. It is a feeling. How that person makes you feel. And you tend to ignore the bad for the GOOD. I have done this all along. I know I will be judged but I am just telling you what it feels like from my perspective. Honestly.Funny how in the earlier days it was him who tried to walk away. Now it is him who is trying to hang onto me for dear life. Tables are turned. Think he knows it.I wonder why the fog seems to have worn off for me but NOT for him? He is happily continuing the way it always was. And would keep going forward. He tells me he IS happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): Ummm... Because this is NOT a relationship? And you're not his GF? UNLESS,of course his wife KNOWS about you two and he IS OK with you having another man ON THE SIDE TOO?Try that one. Have another man on the side, but keep telling him: "Oh,don't worry,honey,I'm super happy with you and super unhappy with him. Let's just keep it as it is." See how long HE stays around for this one,yeah?Of course HE is HAPPY with the way things are. It suits HIM. Not you.But, really, the problem is you, not him : "Been here before".- as in you've been with a married man before??? Ok, you really NEED to get to the bottom of WHAT attracts you to UNavailable men, change it and go look for happiness somewhere that IT IS possible to find it. RATHER than hanging out your dreams and hopes to dry on someone else's line that may never become available...
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (16 May 2015):
When you began the affair with him you were in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. Everything was new and exciting and infatuating. You had rose-colored glasses on, so to speak. Don't feel alone in this, as women (and men) find themselves in relationships with all kinds of seriously flawed people BECAUSE they're leading with their emotions and not their instincts or their knowledge or their observations. They want to think the best of the person they just met and are so excited about, and everything else gets drowned out. By the time they have an honest assessment of their partner as being controlling or violent or racist or addicted to drugs/alcohol/porn, they're emotionally invested in the relationship and "just leaving" is no longer as easy as it sounds. Leaving means leaving good memories and shared history along with all of the bad things that make the other person a bad fit for them. So some of them stay and find ways to rationalize the bad behavior they're seeing - in your boyfriend's case, long-term cheating on and deception of his wife, when you already have trust issues. It's less painful to remove a bandage in one quick jerk than to slowly worry at it, but the problem is often finding the courage to rip off that band-aid and get it over with.
To give you an extreme example, an old classmate of mine has a young son with a man who is now in prison for the rape of a preteen girl. Was this guy a perfect upstanding gentleman when my friend met him? Absolutely not. Were there red flags she might have seen if she had been able to look at this guy objectively from day one? Absolutely. He is a dirtbag, and none of her friends approved of the decision, but it wasn't ours to make for her. She's had deep-rooted issues with self-esteem for a very long time, and here was a guy who told her she was beautiful and treated her like a princess (at first). By the time SHE realized what kind of person he actually is, she had a one-month-old son with him. Talk about emotional investment! Now her excuse for keeping him in her life and her son's life is that her son needs a father. Never mind the fact that the father is a child molester. She is going to hang on to this loser while life passes her by BECAUSE she's not willing to rip off that band-aid and get it over with, once and for all.
My point is that emotionally I think you are in a similar boat. Your man isn't nearly as low a human being as the guy my friend got involved with, but as the honeymoon phase of the relationship wears off, you're becoming more and more aware of his shortcomings as a person - shortcomings that include the lack of ability to be faithful, which you've stated in prior posts is a concern to you (due to a past history of having been cheated on?) But you've invested two years into the relationship, and he's still telling you what you want to hear, so you stay. You might stay years waiting for the affair to once again feel like it did in the early days, though it likely never will.
But you're not truly happy with this guy, and you don't feel secure. If you were or you did you wouldn't have to spy on his female students or scrutinize his Facebook habits or freak out because he didn't reply to a text saying you miss him. In a healthy relationship things like that would not become issues. And that's why you get people telling you to leave, even though you don't want that advice - for the same reason that when a building is on fire, you don't just run out and save yourself; you warn the person next to you. It's tough to watch someone in entirely preventable misery and feel no urge to mention that life can be better than that.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 May 2015):
 The reason you can't trust this man is because he is a liar and a cheat.
If you don't believe me ask his wife!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): It's OP.
He stays with me despite my constant accusations, questions, worries.... etc.
Surely any sane guy would have left by now.
I mean, why put up with it? And why do I?
Know what he says to me when I am the one to apologize for not trusting HIM, telling him I would find a way to trust him?
He said: "I am fine. I always have been. I am not ready to give up on you."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): You're growing weary of having a man on borrowed-time.
It's not just the fact you trust him less; your wise subconscious-mind is aware of the futility of having a man who belongs to someone else. Calling him your boyfriend holds no water.
Your subconscious-mind automatically works through logic, and it causes/forces conflict in your thinking. It's working over-time trying to tell you when you're wasting your time, settling, or could be doing better. You're accepting the affair; but your better judgment isn't!
So, you've rationalized; or shall I say, deluded to calling it a trust-issue. You are coming to realize what a waste it all is. Fight the truth as you may! It won't go-away!
Don't judge? You're one-half of a cheating affair, and you don't want to be judged?
As if you're not being judgmental by losing trust!!! Why don't you trust him? Because he's a cheating lying two-timing bastard. He's not your boyfriend, you're his mistress. He's married. So, he can't bear two titles when he is "legally-betrothed" to another. She's got papers, marital-rights, half his property and assets; and obviously has a stronger hold on him. He won't give her up for you. You get to borrow him from time to time. Trust isn't required of you. Not under the circumstances. He's a loaner and not under full-warranty.
Trust?!! What's there to trust? He's a liar and a cheat. There's no honor in that, and it doesn't deserve trust.
Your lack of trust is neither here nor there. He doesn't need it, or deserve it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 May 2015):
Why do you find it hard to trust him? Because you CAN'T trust him.
A man who is WILLINGLY cheating on his wife, who is WILLINGLY lying to his wife (no matter his marital issues) will BE just as willing to LIE to you. To cheat on you.
To think otherwise is ridiculous.
In the beginning it was fun and games. Now.. you have started to think (with the head to the North) and maybe you are realizing that he might feed his wife the same BS he is feeding you.
Why settle for a man that isn't "yours" ?
If this guy left his wife for you, do you think he would be faithful to you? Probably not. No matter how you look at it, HE is WAY more invested in his wife/marriage than he will EVER be with you. THAT is why he is still married.
This is not the 1950 where the wife take him to the cleaners and gets EVERYTHING, if his marriage was miserable and made him unhappy... he have had AMPLE opportunity to leave. Divorcing these days is NOT that complicated... THIS guy is CONTENT with his marriage and content with his little dirty number on the side (you). Who he has to lie to to GET what HE wants doesn't matter to HIM. You or her? Both? Sure, why not?
So yes, I can imagine why you are having a harder and harder time trusting him. He isn't trustworthy. It's THAT simple.
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