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Why do I feel so insecure about my girlfriend's bisexual past?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 October 2009) 2 Answers - (Newest, 15 October 2009)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've known my girlfriend for almost 16 years.

We've dated off an on during that time.

She comes from a troubled background and in her teens

and (during the time she knew me up until now) she was cheating on somebody (guy or girl).

We never got as serious as we are now (14 years later). The problem I'm having is her past relationships. A few of her ex's she still talks to and is still friends with. One of them is a girl.

During her wild days (which only stopped about 2 years ago right before we started dating). She was cheating on her boyfriend with her ex girlfriends best friend.

At one point in our current relationship that ex girlfriend tried to get her in conact with her friend again. It caused a lot of problems because she actually went out to meet this guy but I followed her. I laid down the law and ever since we've been happy (this was a year and a half ago). I know she's not cheating or doing anythign because we are together every night. If shes not at my place I'm at hers and so on. But still in my head when I think about this girl it makes me sick. It makes me ill thinking of her touching another woman. That's all I think of whenver I hear about this person.

She doesn't really talk to her anymore but she does get text messages from her about her club (her ex is a dj).

It's not a personal message but a mass text. But anyways I still don't like it.

And since we've known eachother for so long I know what all these ex's look like and her stories with them. I know what places they used to eat at, etc..etc.. I never asked her to tell me. I would honestly have her lie to me about her past.

I get very jelous. There's a box in her room full of pictures of her and her friends and ex's from over the years.

And it drives me nuts that there's not one picture of me and her in that box.

So, what the hell do I do? She tells me that there's nothing to worry about. But why do I feel so insecure about this. We've also been having trouble in the bedroom latley (which I'm sure is making the situation worse for me). But why do I feel so shitty when nothing is even going on? Am I more in love than she is? I just don't know what to do.

We got into a huge fight the other night about this stuff and she said she feels like I want her to apologize for her past with women. (She's also christian did I mention that?) In my anger I brought up the passages in the bible that say homosexuality/lesbianism is an abomination to her and she got angry and said that I should be more open minded and I need to find God.

I'm confused, I don't know what to do.

I think I ruined everything by saying what I said.

But I don't want to feel this jealousy when the past comes up.

View related questions: best friend, christian, ex girlfriend, her ex, her past, insecure, jealous, text

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A male reader, Pyroshadow United States +, writes (15 October 2009):

Hey Friend,

You have something many of us suffer from. Its called 'Retroactive Jealously'. You are jealous of her people that she was with before you.

Here is some advice people have given me.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-her-promicuous-past-including.html

Here is some other advice I found useful and helpful.

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/visions-of-girlfriends-past-come-into-my-head.html

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html

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A female reader, YourDestiny11 United States +, writes (13 October 2009):

YourDestiny11 agony auntWell it sounds like you are wanting to settle down and shes not ready! It sounds like she was a wreck at some point and it doesnt sound like shes ready to give up on her past! Although you say she has been good since you put your foot down a year and a half ago which means she might be willing to settle down and give up her past for you! Seems like shes trying so maybe you should also try a little harder to forgive her past and move on! Jealousy is good in a relationship however too much jealousy can ruin your relationship! It sounds like you both have very different beliefs which is going to make it ten times harder to make your relationship work, i am with you on this on so i cant really say how she might be feeling! I dont think though by you telling her everything shes done wrong in her past is going to help, she cant take back the past, and maybe she believes in having no regrets because everything happens for a reason! You two need to have a serious talk and talk it over! Good luck!

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