A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to be in a relationship. When I get excited about someone, I drive them away. The pattern is always I show too much interest (in a happy, excited way, from my perspective), they pull away, and then because they pull away, I start to become needy and insecure. Soon, they tell me it's hard to do nice things for me because it feels like an obligation, so I back off, try to have fun and patiently wait for some affirmation to come. Things seem fine for a while, and the guy seems happy, but before I ever get the affirmation I need, something else happens to trigger my insecurities and convince me that they don't like me at all or that they are more interested in another girl. Then, we fight, the cycle continues for a while, and then we break up. I don't know how to stop doing this. I have been to therapy and read every self-help book out there. I do my best to understand, but honestly, the advice I come across always sounds like it is recommending that I just numb my emotions. My interpretation of the advice is that when I meet someone I like, I need to pretend I don't like them. I was single for three years, thought I did all of the necessary work, had a relationship with a narcissist for about a year and discovered that I hadn't overcome any of my issues after all. Now, I want to work on myself, but also want to date casually simply to meet people without pressure. I feel like I understand how to address my insecurity issues on my own, but not with a guy in the picture. But I also never get insecure until they start to pull away, and they pull away when I show that initial excitement. Does anyone have advice for breaking this cycle? I want to be single right now, but while I am single, I want to figure out what I can do the next time I get excited about someone. I hope my interpretation of the typical advice is wrong, and I'm hoping someone can help me make sense of it. I always feel like I am not allowed to enjoy love. I feel like to avoid smothering a guy, I have to suppress my emotions, withdraw, and become coldhearted and distant.
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female
reader, Greene +, writes (29 April 2018):
I had an epiphany a few years ago that has helped me and maybe you too:Even if you and the person you're dating really like each other, something really important is going on, especially in later weeks or months: It's a big deal to spend a lot of time with someone else, especially since the possibility of *permanently* spending time with that person is a potential outcome of your dating. It's not like hanging out with a friend. It's a decision that you really like this one person, not anyone else--this one person. And really want to be with him or her.If that's not the immediate scenario, it's obviously the logic looming in the background for anyone entering a prospectively monogamous, non-polyamorous relationship.OK, so let's keep that in mind, but put it aside for a second. Forgetting the issue of how much each dater likes the other at whatever stage they're in (third date, fourth week, fourth month), I think there's another basic human dynamic--which has nothing to do with dating or romantic feelings--that happens as one dates: people don't like to buy goods that they feel forced to take. Especially if it's permanent goods.People start to balk very quickly when they feel that things are coming to them faster than the rate they want. That DOESN'T mean they don't like the "goods" (sorry for the dehumanizing metaphor). I don't think it's an issue of liking the goods or not. It's that you have to pull back simply out of *respect* to let that other person breathe, to not make him (in this case) feel like he's in a dynamic where something is forced on him. Love and attraction involve desire; both parties are supposed to desire. It's OK that you desire the guy (even a lot!). But I think just out of sort of a space issue, like how you're not supposed to force someone to eat something or stand too close to someone in a room, you have to present your wonderful self, your desirable self, and then let the coming-closer part between you and the man happen relatively slowly.I have a sense that you've been thinking about your dating life mostly in terms of rejection, hoping to not be. That makes sense--romantic love is, obviously (and to repeat myself), about desire on both sides, the opposite of rejection. But again, I suspect a NON-romantic dynamic might be at work here too and you've perhaps been tone deaf to it.Of course there's also the classic bad cycle of being rejected a few times and then this pattern ratcheting up your desire to be desired, to prove that you won't always be rejected. So you cross over that line between seller and buyer too zealously, scaring off a potentially perfectly interested buyer. But you're a buyer too. Why aren't you worried about being sold goods you might not want to be stuck with for a long time? Getting yourself emotionally connected to goods that might turn out to have some deep flaws?In our culture, in romantic relationships, there seems to be an over-emphasis on what the man thinks of the woman, as if when a relationship fails, it's a testament to the appeal of the woman, what the man thinks of her ("he's just not that into you"). This is partially OK: as (heterosexual) women, we SHOULD care what the specific men we like think about us. But JUST as important and uncertain in a relationship is our desire for them. As men, they should be just as worried what we think of them, of course. (Have you lost sight of this??) You have already clearly spent a lot of time doubting yourself; if you haven't already, I suggest that you start doubting the things around you, what pressures you're receiving, how the men around you talk and act. Plenty of loathsome people date and get married, and you sound very nice! The bar in some cases is very low; don't worry about not measuring up! :)I might add: it seems a little suspicious that you have such strong positive feelings for so many men you date!! Are they really all that great?? If so, you are very lucky and this is very rare to encounter so many people to "click" with! Right? I'd say: while it's perfectly fine (and very nice) to be enthusiastic about a new person, perhaps try to listen to ALL of your feelings: some reservations about him here or there, some dislike of things he says or does; feeling hurt for good reason by things he does. It's OK if you have a mixed-bag set of feelings for him at first; you still might marry him! Let the positive feelings you have for a new guy come out, but moderate them -- not at all to tamp yourself, but to remember that your view of him is just as important as his view of you; that you don't want to bond blindly with just anyone; and (my first epiphanal point), that JUST OUT OF COURTESY I think it's important to give the other person a little room to let him agree to what kind of contract he is slowly signing with you--not force him to sign too early. It's just a psychological thing; NOT an issue of your desirability.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): You have to convince yourself you "deserve" to be loved.
You've described yourself as being over-joyed about finding someone; but then it must seem too good to be true. You probably assume something has to go wrong; and it does. Murphy's Law! You get scared and your mind goes wild!
That is because you sabotage your every relationship with self-fulfilling prophecy. "When is something bad going to happen?" "Do I really deserve this?" "Am I good enough?"
"Can I handle this?" "Is he for real, or just faking?"
Your narcissistic ex may be partially responsible, by crushing your self-esteem. Those kind of people do that by building you up, to knock you flat on your face.
Narcissists have a way of convincing people they can see into your soul and nearly read your mind. Not liking yourself makes you a perfect victim for a narcissist; because you've admitted you're insecure. That means you don't fully like, or trust, yourself; or trust anyone else. Your feelings about yourself may be based on how others perceive you. You fear your flaws will show and every man is like your ex. He will become disinterested when he sees you for who you really are. Your ex must have said some very terrible things to you!
You need to keep working with your therapist. Other people can't make you like yourself. You have to do that on your own. Then, you have to work to get the poison out of your system left by your ex. He didn't create you, and he has no power to destroy you; unless you empower him to. Surrendering your soul to a devil!
I venture to speculate your ex found all your weaknesses and soft-spots. He then used all your insecurities against you. Now you can't really like or feel liked by anyone; without the fear they will strip you bare emotionally and psychologically. They will lose interest, thinking you are weak or uninteresting; or just wasting their time. So you freak-out, and that's exactly what happens. They pull-away and exit for the door!
People have to offer you their feelings on their own terms. You can't make them guarantee anything; and they can't cure your insecurities. You have to realize you deserve to be loved; but clinging to people will only smother them. They have to break-free from being over-loved. Over-loving is only an act of desperation and fear. You need to get that demon out of you left by your ex. Those were only his head-games and exploits meant to control you and break your spirit.
Relax and date for fun and companionship. Exercise control over your impulses, not your emotions. Impulses are things we do without truly thinking, just reacting on the spur of the moment. Getting carried-away with our fears and lacking judgement. Failing to implement logic to process things to have a full understanding of why, or how, we should respond to things. Relationships truly test our mettle!
Composure does not mean suppressing your emotions. It only means allowing your mind to fully grasp a situation, and responding calmly and appropriately. Depending on your maturity, experience, and common-sense to regulate your behavior.
You're confusing self-control with being inhibited.
"Self-control" is the practice of not allowing our emotions and fears to make us behave irrationally. Being poised and calm even when the situation is a little dicey.
If your therapist read your post, what would he or she think? I would bet money they would think that you haven't been as transparent with your doctor as you have with us.
Fearing being judged or criticized. If you are as open and honest with your therapist; maybe you'd deal better with the trauma your ex seems to have inflicted on you. If you could find a way to stay calm within a relationship; you wouldn't smother people with love, and scare them off with insecurity.
It's okay to be excited about being with someone you care for; but being over-eager is a little desperate and scary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): I was like you at one time and I thought it was me that had a problem. But I've learnt something and that is you don't need to change you! Those people weren't right for you. The right guy will love you to smother him. So keep being you til you find him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): I was like you at one time and I thought it was me that had a problem. But I've learnt something and that is you don't need to change you! Those people weren't right for you. The right guy will love you to smother him. So keep being you til you find him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): So in essence you wear your heart on your sleeve...I have an inkling of where you are coming from based on my own feelings. In my opinion it goes back to childhood and our reactions and how we felt in our family unit..I am no expert, i make mistakes similar to you when i like someone and in a relationship. A few tips, here goes, remember someone does not know how you feel unless you express it, so if you feel excited try and remain calm with your exterior, it's not about suppressing your feelings, it's about staying cool. How about you try something like yoga to help you to be calmer and more relaxed? You have learned behaviors which again i am guessing stems from childhood, i am similar, my boyfriend has an ex wife and i worry that he loved her more, had better times etc. It is about knowing yourself, trying to unravel why you act this way and realizing that it creeps into your relationships.But my biggest advice to you is to try and stop over worrying, in feeling you HAVE TO go out and date to overcome this YOU ARE putting pressure on yourself. How about instead you look at local groups and activities you are interested in and just get out there without thinking it has to be about finding someone. I am 44 years old and only met my boyfriend last year and that was after 18 years of thinking i was destined to be alone. I met him out of the blue and despite my insecurities and faults, which are not unlike your own he supports me and accepts me for who i am. The right one will NOT play games and will be there for you.But you have to also understand why the behaviors are happening and also ask yourself, are you reading too much into the behavior of the men you have dated? But the root of it is in my opinion your upbringing and if you can understand that you will see why it plays out into your life now. I don't think any advice on here is going to stop what is going on if i am honest, you have already done groundwork in trying to understand but please take on board, stop over worrying about dating, just go out with the intention of making friends and enjoying your life, Mr right will come along when he is meant to and not by you pushing for that to happen. Best of luck, i really hope you can move forard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): I’ve been there! It’s very hard to break. Read about co dependency. Did your therapist discuss this with you? I feel for you because it’s so disappointing when you really like a man and they run but it’s bevayse we set off there red flag alert. Do social activities for engagement and you’ll see you’ll attract the right one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): You seem quite co-dependant.
You say that you get excited about "someone," so this means that you are often getting excited by many people which is sad to hear. Spreading all your excitement for others all over the place there!
But...
Unable to stay in a relationship because the excitement fizzles and schwizzles away.
And you wonder why?
Perhaps, Don't get excited anymore about others. Be excited in yourself. Be single. Be free and don't expect from others what you should give and get for yourself. They can't give you excitement, that can only come from your own self, they can add and if they can't then they're not worth the bother. And considering your post you do have excitement. So have it and keep it and never let it be taken away and never ever take anyone else's excitement away. (Unless of course one gets excited about being nasty. Then that person is not actually excited, must be ignored and understood that they are mean and miserable - Really)!
Isn't this exciting news!
Life is exciting and we are in the times where the old way of things is going out and the new is coming in especially where Love is concerned.
I'm very excited.
And you: Contain your excitement (I guess is the moral of this story!)
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