A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m a single and quieter living gay woman.I’m pale and average looking but feminine and not manly.Not looking for manly women.I’m on an app for Gay and bi women.Like all apps there’s players and catfishersStraight women playing games and nastiness and judgmental people.None of who I’m Into.I haven’t dated in years and am being careful, just wanting to meet New people, if I end up dating and R ship all good.Not looking for hookup or casual. Not me.I’m genuine and caring and seeking same.I’ve chatted to a few women, on the app, all who were non genuine. 1 was nasty and told me as I was quieter living/quieter no one would want to to meet me. I’m not going to lie on who i am.She was a bitch.I did meet one woman in person, she seemed quiet and hadn't dated in years.No spark and we weren’t attracted to each other but possibility of friendship though we are very different and don’t have much in common except gym.We have met about 4 times , always for coffee, our interests are so differernt that apart from talking about the problems with dating and gym we have zero common interests.We chat on a chat app, not the one we met on, we don’t have eachOthers numbers.She is currently going out to lesbian social nights once a month, group things aren’t me due to A: I’m a shift worker and work most weekend when event is onB: bad group experiences in the past where I was excluded and laughed at c: bars aren’t meD: social anxiety my whole life, I shut down in groups.I’m glad she’s happier and getting out.She texts me in the app twice a week goes on and on about her stuff The woman she likes at the bar but can’t talk to as she’s awkwardHow lonely she isHow she likes this Bar woman so muchHow she needs love In her life and how fit she isShe’ll ask how I am, “hows yr week”?how my week is but doesn’t seem interested in my life when I tell her.In person she struggles to talk, frustrating!I am not attracted to her (I find her unattractive)or her me, feel she meets up with meSo I can listen to her whine and she can vent.She sayson the app I’m easy to talk to, this doesn’t mean she can te t anytime she wants in the app.She never asks after me and I do most of the talking.I’m quieter but can converse, she struggles.I’m starting to be sick of her app messages And find them annoying.Is she texting me to whine or whinge?Boast of her life and efforts to socialise?I’m getting a weird vibe..Controlling or needy or ego fueled?I’m unsure if we can be friends, though she appears “nice” and says She’s genuine.Im unsure what to do I’m suspicious of her, she plays poor me role too wellI need love and care too but I’d never tell a person I’ve known 6 months and met 4 times for coffee this?What’s her deal?Confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2018):
 Actually I am not "accusing" you, OP, of multiple posting , because multiple posting is not illegal,immoral, wrongful or shameful , so it's not something one can be " accused " of.
I am instead stating, affirming, remarking,(or insert other verb to your liking ) that you have indeed posted recently multiple times ( Ciar says 23 , I did not count ) and that I am 99,5% sure of this. ( There's never 100% certainty of anything in life ).
Again, I want to stress that multiple posting is perfectly fine, in fact, is gratifying for us DearCupiders . It means that the posters found his experience with DC useful, supportive or entertaining , that's why he / she is repeating it, otherwise he / she would not bother. Reason for which, you and any other poster are cordially invited to post any time you want , you can always count on our attention and effort - as long, at least, as you don't blatantly try to insult our intelligence !
We may not be geniuses but we are all capable of a simple reasoning like: Australia is big ( and UK to, and USA too )- but Dear Cupid is not. It's not that big of a platform to be brimming with " quieter " middle-aged, pale-skinned, gay hospital shift workers ,all afflicted by the same problems and surrounded by the same younger " cliquey " colleagues , etc.etc.- all using the same IPs.
Plus, something that most posters, most people, in fact, do not realize , is that the written voice is as unique and distinctive as the speaking voice, or the facial features; maybe more.
Jane Austen always sounds like Jane Austen , even if the cover of the book should say " Norman Mailer " - and viceversa.
And that, strange but true, applies also to non-writers, regular people.
Each of us has a pattern in writing and narrating; punctuation, rythm, length, spelling mistakes, favourite words,mannerisms,- a personal , unique voice which comes out irrepressibly , even if the details ( names,dates, age, location, gender, status...) are changed , and which cannot escape anybody who's got enough writing samples, a trained eye and a good enough memory.
Anyway- whatever . It does not really matter , after all. Because even assuming that I have wrongfully " accused " you of the hideous crime of multiple posting, - the gist of my answer still would apply to a first time poster too :
Your friend vents her frustrations to a ( relative )stranger like you ,because she is lonely and she needs someone to listen to her.
You vent your ( friend-induced ) frustation, to total strangers too, because you too want to feel connected and want to know, or at least to hope, that there is someone in the world who takes an interest in your life .
All very normal, human , logical and comprehensible.
Again, if her venting makes you uncomfortable or bored , you do not have to stand it, you do not have to keep listening.
Same as, the Dear Cupides who should feel uncomfortable about your posts or bored by them, -would not answer to you, because they don't have to.
It's all a voluntary choice. It's all personal preferences.
But it's not any weird, mysterious " deal ".
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (27 April 2018):
 But there aren't more than one of them who also post from the US and lately from the UK with the same typing style, same issue, same personal particulars, and often times the same IP address. OP, there is nothing wrong with posting several questions. God knows folks usually have more than one issue going on in their lives and we hear from such people all the time. But there is something questionable about making it appear as though all these questions are being submitted by different people from different countries. Having more background allows people to give you more informed suggestions for your problems. It's important to remember, OP, that everyone here is a volunteer who donates their time and energy to helping others. Much of the time it is, quite literally, a thankless job. There are many though, who do take the time to thank us, even if it's to disagree with our advice. Out of the 23 questions you have posted that I have come across thus far, this is the very first time you have even acknowledged that you've read any of them and it was only to attack another aunt. You do vent here, and hey, sometimes that's all people need. And if we can serve that purpose, great. And the common theme in your venting is being ignored, unappreciated. Kind of like the way you've treated us. You claim to be easy going, kind, caring and genuinely interested in people but your conduct here and what you describe in the real world tells a different story. You haven't had a kind word to say about anyone. Not one. You blame all of your social setbacks on everyone else being 'caught up in the digital age' 'cliquey'. You claim to care about others but here, when you're done talking about yourself you check out of the conversation.You can get a lot of help and support here, but you won't get it by lashing out at the aunts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): This is poster.
I have never posted here before and DO NOT appreciate being told I have posted when I have not!
There is more than one gay 40 something woman in Australia! It’s not that small! Wow accusing me of posting when I have not
Is this what dear Cupid is about??
I’m asking for advice on this woman
Don’t accuse me “Cindy cares”
I’m asking for advice not to be accused of multiple posting!
This is not good. I don’t know who that other “woman” who posts was but it’s not me!!
Wow..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 April 2018):
You vent too. Here on Dear Cupid. Quite often, and quite bitterly.
Which is perfectly fine, of course . In fact, it's great. That's also whay DC is for ; to listen to people who normally do not have much of an audience, to provide an outlet for thoughts, fears, sorrows which otherwise would remain stifled, untold, unknown. We care about our posters, and we hope sincerely that, you never know, something we say may provide encouragement or clarity, and help make things even a tiny little bit better. But, many posters ( including you ) vent , about their real or perceived problems and you know why ?
Because seeking attention is , within certain limits, normal, even healthy. Everybody , to some extent, wants
" attention ", i.e. wants to be heard, listened to, seen, considered, comforted, validated. And why not ? man was a social animal, since way before Zuckerberg invented his virtual showcase :). We are not made for suffering alone and invisible ( although,of course, in many cases a bit of " stiff upper lip " would not be a bad thing " at all ).
Only, there are people who, because of their life circumstances and events, or particular traits of their personality , or maybe sheer bad luck, don't have many people to turn to . They are not close to their families, have trouble making friends or keeping them, do not have a partner etc.etc. - and they still want, or would want, to be recognized, cheered up , cared for. At the very least ,
they'd like to be heard, to be listened to . I.e.- they want attention . Including you , since in your previous posts your main complaint was that people in general and your colleagues in particular do not pay much attention to you.
This new friend of yours is a lonely person, with poor social / communication skills , - you are probably the first person who showed her any interest in a long time, and, not surprisingly, she liked it- it must have felt like an oasis in a desert for her- no wonder that she keeps coming back for more.
This not to say that you have to indulge her or accomodate her , if you don't wish to do it. You are not her shrink, you are not her social worker. You have any right to pick and choose your friendships, and if , beside her misery and some small talk, you feel you do not share anything in common, you can and should detach yourself. Unluckily, you enrich her life but she does not enrich yours. It happens, also outside of love relationships, and you do not have to make sacrifices just to show yourself, or the world, or Dear Cupid, that you are a nice person.
Just to answer to your " What's her deal ? ".
Her deal is simply that she does not like feeling excluded and neglected by the world at large, and she enjoys , or would enjoy, any occasion not to feel that way . Same as you .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): She's a lonely person and you're the only one who has made any effort to talk to her. So you've been chosen as her confidant and sounding-board.
No offense intended; but misery loves company. You don't describe yourself as much of a happy person. Your only complaint about her is that she won't shut-up and listen to you complain about your life. If neither of you can carry-on a conversation; why are you bothering to go out, or even stay in-contact? Block her!
Just tell her it's not working. You don't seem like a person unable to be blunt and speak your mind; unless nobody's listening.
Her deal is just that she needs someone to listen when she vents and whines. No one else will!
If she's getting on your nerves, let her know. If she's not your type, why waste your time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): It sounds like you are just that, someone she feels she can offload how she feels with little interest in you as a person. Trust your gut feeling on her, it is fine you both wanted to be friends but if you get the vibe she is just using you to beef herself up etc and you don't want to listen to her, you have that choice to cut her off
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