A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone,why do i always end up in abusive relationships?im a bubbly, sexy, supportive girl and i always try hard in everything. I know i have flaws too, im no angel but no matter what i do i end up with guys who are perfect at first, then they change and its really painful. in my last relationship my partner cheated and so i had some trust issues for a little while but we got through that, maybe i did something that stuck then?i know i may be the one who ruins things but i dont know what? any ideas why im having trouble finding someone who gives a damn?thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): It honestly could be a lot of things OP but chigirl is 100% correct there are always signs, always and you're just ignoring them.
I'll give you a few, jealousy even a small bit of it early on is poisonous, it's not cute, it's not a sign he cares, it's an early sign of an abuser or a guy who's insecure.
Chi already told you the family thing that is big one. Another is how he treats people who are providing him a service, waiters, waitresses etc. and not just how he treats them to their face but how he speaks about them when they walk away or when they're done.
Another one OP is tantrums. Grown men shouldn't throw tantrums about minor things, okay a bad mood every once and a while is forgiveable we all have those but a guy who will throw a tantrum because he didn't get his way is a boy and not relationship material.
Taking things out on you, in any way is not acceptable, ever. It doesn't matter how bad a mood I am in, I would never shout at my girlfriend, call her a name, nor be in any way bad to her because of it. That's not who I am but it's also not something she would ever tolerate.
To be honest though I think this is just the kind of guy you like. You see you list "supportive" and "trying hard" in your list of your 4 best qualities, that says a lot to me. You sound to me like a fixer, a girl who likes the idea of dealing with a broken man, who feels good about being with a guy who is troubled and trying to fix him and it also tells me you don't know when or how to quit. I've seen this type of girl lots of times OP and they're very attracted to the little boys of this world that "no one else understands" I say that because you also mention beyond a doubt the biggest excuse I hear from women who just won't let go of an asshole men "i have flaws too, im no angel". I honestly don't see how you having flaws has anything to do with your selection of men OP, we all have flaws it's not an excuse for anything and it's definitely not a good enough to reason to accept a shit person in your life.
"i know i may be the one who ruins things but i dont know what?"
Again, you think you're some kind of problem, you're no angel, you have flaws and you ruin things according to what you've just said, you don't seem to have a very high opinion of yourself OP and no matter what you've done in your life or what mistakes you've made you should think well of yourself.
The best advice I can give you is this: A strong, happy, confident woman who is self assured and happy with who she is rarely fall victim to abusers because they don't tolerate even the minor of transgressions because they don't have to. Get to that point in your life if you're not already. OP supportive isn't a positive trait, it's a given, you may aswell list female as a positive trait. Besides you should be looking to get with a guy who is already a pretty complete package, who doesn't need to be fixed and doesn't have the kind of flaws that you think need to be fixed. We all have flaws but you must have a good refined list of which ones are deal breakers to you. For me jealousy is one others include clingy, needy, very insecure, prone to mood swings, talks bad about people behind their back, tantrums, depression, overly judgemental, name calling, physically aggressive, too distant, a record of bad behaviour that shows a pattern over the long term, serial cheating, too close to or never shuts about an ex, poor family relationships, inability to maintain long term healthy friendships I have quite a long list I have refined over the years and none of them are negotiable for me I won't waste my time with a girl who displays any of these traits, I don't have to, I can go find another girl there are plenty of emotionally stable, kind, caring beautiful people out there.
It's okay to try hard but always choose your battles well. Some things are no worth looking past, some flaws are not worth trying to overcome. Make a mental list of those and don't deviate. Good qualities never paper over deep flaws in a person's personality.
And the most important thing is to take a close look at what you like about guys, what is it these guys all had in common that drew you to them, physical appearance, behaviour, lifestyle, write out a list of common traits in all of them including the negative traits that attract you OP because we all have negative traits we like about people too, write them down, identify the pattern and discard some of those as necessary, I bet you'll find that there are certain things you like about guys that leads you to this sort of man.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Speaking of early signs, a very good hint is to look at the way he treats his family! If he isn't nice to his family, ignores them, or puts family members down, then he WILL do the same to you. No matter how much he denies that it will happen, it will happen.
If he, on the other hand, is respectful, generous with his family members, giving and loving, then you are more likely to be treated that way as well.
A girlfriend sort of falls into "family" emotionally when a relationship deepens. That is why you should look to how he treats family members, because the closer you get to him, the more he will treat you as he treats his family.
I will give you 3 examples, one boyfriend of mine would stand up for his mother and help her out, but he was distant. He was critical of her choices, and wasn't close with her. He resented the fact that she had a child with her new husband, and as such didn't treat his new little brother with much love. At least he didn't show him a lot of love. When I started living with him he became the same with me. Distant, ignored me at times. Sort of living in his own world, wasn't socializing with me, didn't want to go out and do things etc.
Boyfriend number two was terrible towards his mother and sister. He would openly swear at them, yell and scream at them, insult them. He promised he would never act that way towards me, and that his mother and sister always had it coming, they deserved it. Since I wasn't them he said he wouldn't treat me that way. Surprise surprise, he did. Not at first! But after about 6 months together he slowly started doing it, and then after a year he was treating me the exact same way, calling me bitch and whore and acting as if he did nothing wrong at all.
Boyfriend number three, in this little example line-up of mine. He treats his family with love and care. He is very kind towards them, openly expresses that he cares for them. He is active in doing things to please them, such as taking his dement grandmother out, or visiting her every day. Always patient with the grandmother, even though she is dement and keeps saying the same things over and over. He is also very patient with me, never raises his voice, expresses his love and care often (and in the right ways). He was a bit more distant at the beginning, but as we're getting closer I am being treated more and more like he treats his family (as I thought would happen).
Bottom line is: the way he treats his family is the way he will treat you after (approximately) a year into a relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): "i end up with guys who are perfect at first, then they change and its really painful"
You don't end up with guys who are "perfect at first" and you don't end up with guys who then "change," you end up with con artists and manipulators who are putting on an act to appeal to your ego and vanity: fawning over you, showering you with compliments, making you think you're "special", and that ever-popular DC expression "treating you like a queen." In short, they tell you what you want to hear because they know what you want to believe. Once they've lured you in, they drop the act and become the jerks and scumbags they really are, always were and always will be.
There is no such thing as a "perfect" guy, and you are likely looking for guys in terms of what they can do for you instead of picking up on on their appealing personal qualities and admirable character traits.
Instead of thinking of how the presence of a guy in your life would make it better, think of how much better off a guy who possesses qualities and traits you find attractive would be with you in his life.
Instead of being "bubbly, sexy, supportive girl and i always try hard in everything," why not try "smart, confident, self-assured and self-respecting" instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): maybe because you have a habit of being a doormat? I'm not saying you should become mean-spirited and selfish. That's clearly bad. you should be respectful and nice to other people. but at the same time you mustn't be a doormat. you need to set and maintain boundaries. expect your partner to treat you as well as you treat him. also you may need to get better at recognizing early signs of an abusive personality so that you can walk away before getting involved fully with someone. For example if the other person criticizes you a lot, puts you down, or lashes out at you, and then denies that they did anything wrong, that's not someone you want to deepen a relationship with. often people won't behave like this to someone they're not familiar with or invested in. With the outside world they are the most charming and sweetest person. Only once the other person gets close to them (i.e. becomes an official partner) then do they let their true colors show. If you find this has happened to you, cut your losses and leave, do not stick around trying to make things right because people like this will always do this no matter what you do or dont' do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2012):
You say you always try hard. I think that might be the problem. You don't expect much, you work hard, and you (perhaps naively) believe that everyone else will naturally try just as hard. But they don't. Plenty of people just drift by, letting you do all the work in the relationship, starting to take advantage, starting to do damage etc.
Don't always believe the best in everyone, and let people prove themselves to you before you grant them benefits (benefits can be sex, trust, commitment, time, energy etc.)
You give too much. Your partner cheats on you, and here you are thinking it was YOU who had trust issues that needed to be worked through? You should have dumped him and found someone who "gives a damn" as you said. Your ex didn't give a damn, and proved so by cheating, yet you still hung on to him for God knows what reason.
If you want someone who gives a damn you need to ditch all those who don't. And without a second thought. People do not change! If he doesn't give a damn now he wont in the future either. That means, if he's done anything that is below your standards (and Im not talking about leaving the toilet seat up, or not shaving every day, but serious things like cheating, laziness, mooching etc.) then you dump and move on.
If you want a man who gives a damn and works hard on the relationship.. then quit settling for less in the hopes that one day they'll change for the better.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (4 September 2012):
 Because, you are supportive, you try hard to help the other person, and when things go bad you tend to blame yourself. That is what a user is looking for. They want someone who will cover for them. They want someone who will accept whatever they dump on them. They really like it when they don't get blamed for cheating, yelling, abandoning, or hitting.
You have a wonderful nurturing personality, but you don't understand what these guys need. Guys do not need a mom, they need a fan. Save your nurturing for children. He needs to see you being nurturing to children, so he can trust you with his. But, when you nurture him he reverts to his teen behavior and you end up being his mom. You don't want that. He may want that, but if he does, he is not the right man.
What a real manly man needs from his girlfriend / future partner. He needs her to be able to think on her feet, solve her own problems, and be alone if she has to. You have that. He needs that to respect her. Then when he is there she needs to be able to stand back and watch him take care of the messy stuff. She needs to appreciate his manliness, and complement it, and most of all expect and demand it. Be strong and feminine. Lean on him when he is there.
The real trick with men is they will rise to whatever level you expect of them. Lately it has become popular to think of men as being week and unreliable, prone to playing. If that is all we expect of young men. That is all we will get when they are older.
If you start from the first meeting expecting and demanding that the guys you meet, are the men you want, the users and the abusers will run from you.
Things to avoid. If he asks you to drive him somewhere or run errands for him, (unless it is parts for the car he is up to his elbows in), don't. If he calls you to come visit him when he is sick, don't. If he asks for a present, don't (you should have already given him one). If he makes excuses instead of dates, or if he cancels dates for guy stuff. If he asks for money, run.
Remember if he is a man he doesn't need anyone to put a band aid on or make him a sandwich, he can do that himself. At some point you will probably have to hold him down to treat a wound.
Sexy and bubbly are great, they deserve a real man.
FA
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