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Why didn't he want to come home with me?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 March 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 5 March 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been dating this guy for about a month now. He said he likes me and wasn't seeing anyone else. On our last date, we had a passionate make out and he said that I was beautiful and sexy and really turned him on. In fact, he had to stop himself a few times from kissing just so he wouldn't get too excited. He actually said something along the lines of how he can't wait to get intimate and I said not yet and he was totally ok with that and said there is no rush. The next day, he took me to a really nice restaurant and the date was good up until the very end. As he was dropping me off, he said that it was fun but he was tired and was gonna go home. It was only 10pm and I know he stays up really late and it felt like something was off. I asked if he wanted to come up just for a few minutes and he said he needed to go. I live by myself and he's still living with him family so he'd rather be with his parents who he sees all the time than be with me. He didn't even kiss me or walk me to my house, he just gave me a hug. I was ready to get sexual with him and he completely rejected me. I don't understand why he didn't want to if he thought I was so sexy. He's 4 years younger than me but I've never had this problem with any guy before.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntHe is 4 years younger than you. THAT might be a clue as well.

If he is impatient or immature, he isn't going to wait around for sex.

It just doesn't make much sense for him to take you out to a nice dinner and then dump you by "ghosting" you. But again, it CAN be that he thinks you were playing games or that he really just is TOO immature for a grown up relationship.

I WOULD advice though, that you hold be a BIT on physical intimacy (as far as making out, heavy petting etc) IF you want to wait with sex. It sends pretty mixed messages when you get into making out and then pull back. And it can also put YOU in an unsafe situation with a guy you don't know that well.

For now though. IF this is how he handles being told no sex... then he probably isn't for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2019):

Maybe something he ate whilst at dinner with you hadn't agreed with him and he felt his guts were going to explode and he didn't want that to happen at your house, within your earshot. Something of a mood killer! It could be for all kinds of reasons that maybe you haven't thought of.

Do guys have to be 100% 'on' and ready all the time? They are just people with the occasional problem, just like you and me. Could have been lots of reasons. Going off you in one evening is very unlikely, but if that is the reason, you'll find out soon enough.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2019):

Well he took you out to dinner so if he was interested in seeing you he wouldn't have even seen you. From the night before he must have been frustrated and decided not to come on too strong and be a gentleman yet that still isn't good enough for you. Don't play games.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2019):

You have been dating for a month, things have been hot and Heavy up until the last minute, and then he just gives you a hug and goes home?

Yes, maybe he actually was very tired, but just a hug goodbye?

Men are extremely bad at taking a hint, and he probably didn't understand that you inviting him home meant you wanted sex. Its obvious to everyone else except for a man... So he probably thought you still wanted to wait.

I just find it odd to say good bye with a hug. But just because you were bummed out about being rejected, doesnt mean you should add a ton of meaning into every little thing. Be cool. See what happens. Dont freak out.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (4 March 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt But maybe he was actually tired and needed to go home ! why is that so impossible ? 10 p.m. can be " only " 10 pm, or " already 10 pm " according to the kind of day one had, which mood and state of health, and what one's has to do the following day.

Anyway, yes it could have been a diplomatic excuse , - very understandable IMO. Just the day before you told him that you want to wait before having sex, - how is he supposed to know that you have already changed your mind ?! He probably assumed that he was still supposed to respect certain boundaries and who can blame him if he was not too anxious to get into another long, drawn out, and, for him, frustrating make out session - he did not want to be tantalized , and have to get all hot and bothered no avail ( but ,perhaps, malinconically seeking relief on his own at home ).

It's a bit like when you are on a strict diet, and your friends insist for you to join them at a fancy restaurant. Sure , you could go , and consume your 3 ounces of boiled fish and lettuce with no dressing, while they pig out on yummy high- calories delicacies - but it's just simpler , easier and less unnerving if you just don't go .

I'd say that yours is a nice problem to have, at least as compared to the many women who post here , complaining about the opposite : men who don't take them out on dates, do not want to spend time with them socially, go to the movies or dining out or what not ; BUT punctually will pop up AFTER 10 pm for a quick, no fuss hook up.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (4 March 2019):

mystiquek agony auntMind up your mind OP and stick with it. The poor guy can't read your mind and maybe he's trying to be respectful. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Men are usually very straight forward and don't play the game that women sometimes play where the man is supposed to know what we want or what we are thinking.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 March 2019):

You're reading too much into this. You can say not yet; but why can't he? Not sure if it was even necessary to seek advice about it. Don't let your ego or vanity get the better of you.

How drastically could things change in the span of 24 hours?

I mean seriously?!! He wanted to get some sleep!

"I've never had this problem with any guy before."

Don't compare him to other guys. Judge him on his own merits.

Guys get to say "no" too! You said yourself he was up late the night before, and maybe he was tired.

Maybe it isn't just all about you!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (3 March 2019):

N91 agony auntYou told him 24 hours before that moment that you were waiting for sex so it’s extremely contradictory to flip out over this.

What’s wrong with him wanting to go home? 10pm is late, he said he was tired. Why should he HAVE to go up to yours and sleep with you because YOU have decided it’s time? Because he didn’t want to now it’s suddenly an issue?

Give the guy a break.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you both for the help. He is certainly not religious or traditional at all! I guess I'm just worried that I did or said something during the dinner that really put him off. He couldn't wait to get the check and it felt like he was rushing me out of his car and I got very hurt/upset by that. I wasn't even thinking of having sex when I invited him in but for all he knew, I wanted to at least do something. I haven't heard from him since so I'm assuming that we're done for whatever reason. I honestly always felt as if I was chasing him and I don't want to do it anymore

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A female reader, Plexi United States +, writes (3 March 2019):

Plexi agony auntCould it be that it is because he was raised in a very traditional family.......wait til marriage, etc or perhaps he is highly inexperienced and is not ready to tell/show you that? Get to know him better and you'll get all your answers!!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI think he is trying to be respectful of you wanting to wait. But a guy can only handle blue-balls for so long and then it might just be EASIER to not go inside with you for a few minutes.

I think you are being unreasonable here. You want to wait with sex (which is TOTALLY fine) but then you get him all hot an bothered and pull the breaks and when he the NEXT day doesn't WANT to come in for a few minutes you act like he is rejecting you. WTF! YOU LITERALLY told him the DAY before: "not yet on the sex" and then get mad when he isn't all over you?

And guess what OP, HE might actually have BEEN tired and wanting to go home and chill.

You are playing games with him and he doesn't know what's up.

That is my guess.

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