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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have just found out that prior to marrying me, my husband who i had been dating for about four monthes asked his ex girlfriend (the mother of his only child who is ten years old) to go to his mums funeral. He emailed her solely and told her first his mum had passed away and invited her even though his mum had not spoken or seen his ex for a number of years. I went to the funeral with him but really cant understand why he invited her when she did not get on with his mum anymore and why did he tell her first??.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya to the last poster, well yes this lady seems to have a very similar problem to the one i am talking about and i sometimes see posts on here and think it could be about my own life lol. But im not sure if it is her or not, this sight does attract a lot of people so maybe she has seen it and since me and my husband had his daughter over christmas maybe it has been playing on her mind as it has mine. Well i dont think that he has anything to do with his ex directly and to be fair she doesnt make it difficult in terms of my husband seeing his daughter. But my husband himself admitted what i have posted and so i am now questioning why he has gone about things the way he has. But i do take all comments on board and i have decided to work on my marriage and to stop being so susicious, i guess it comes with the territory of being his wife and accepting he has a daughter and probably loved her mum.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):
I'm sorry anonymous, but how can there be 'no harm intended' in such blunt and painful words? Could you honestly say similar to someone's face if you were sympathising with a newly single friend??
It is impressive, however, that even the OP of this question is able to show more sympathy towards this woman, and when it may very well be her husbands ex wanting him back!
To the OP, do you think it is likely to be the same ex? -it seems so coincidental if it's not? -Is this ex still in regular contact with your husband? -Do they just stay in contact solely for their child's benefit? And are things otherwise good with your husband apart than this ongoing niggling issue?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): OK Dear Cudpids, i need to explain something. : I am one of the anon females who posted the words in response to the OP regarding her ex's apparent rebound marriage :
'I mean telling someone who you think is still in love with someone that their ex is having hours of hot sex and dont care about them at all would upset me too. " ALL i tried to do is tell her KINDLY to move on. As with any newly wed isn't sex one of the favourite passtimes. I tried to show the OP that while she was pining for her ex to come back to her, he was getting on with his life. And that she owed it to herself to move on with her life instead of holding on to the hope that he was coming back to her. There was no harm intended.
She took offence to another anon aunt asking her bluntly "why do you care".
My words : "why do you care? because you love him and maybe you either want closure or maybe you still want to hang around hoping that he made a mistake." tried to show her why she cared for this man. But it backfired and seemed to piss her off even more.
Makes me now also wonder whether this post and the Rebound on is linked. But i can tell you the OP from the Rebound story is hell angry woman. She is spitting mad and takes no prisoners. Hope I clarified my words, and not caused more confusion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for pointing out that post, not sure if it is her at all but what i will say is that i can see why this poster would be upset regarding what the anonymous posters put. I mean telling someone who you think is still in love with someone that their ex is having hours of hot sex and dont care about them at all would upset me too. And she asked why you remain anonymous, i have to wonder that myself considering no one on here knows you anyhow.
But thanks for pointing that out, really nice of you to do that x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): If this is the crazy coincidence it seems; you have nothing to worry about regarding his ex- she sounds genuinely rude and in no way could I imagine he still habours ANY feelings whatsoever for her!
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/will-the-rebound-marriage-last.html
Please don't worry about this post- it sounds like you have absolutely no competition in this ill-mannered ex whatsoever!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Share Bear, you raised some valid points with your post x
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 A lot of posters come on here wanting a specific answer, rather than honest guidance. Often if someone if having an affair they want to be forgiven or told that someone will eventually commit to them.Interestingly, it does not seem to be reassurance that you are after from your follow up posts. I'm wondering if your suspecting that your husband told his child the truth; when he lost his parents he became lonely- and turned to his ex inviting her to the funeral even though there was no direct connection except through their child, and when he remained lonely, he proposed to you.Okay, I'm not going to say that this isn't possible, and in many respects it is logical. My sister and her very long term and committed partner decided to marry after we lost our mum. Up to this point it just wasn't something they felt they needed to prove how completely committed and together they were.It may very well be that your partner was more willing to introduce some committed stability into his life after he lost his parents. But this isn't to say that he didn't love you anyway, nor that he wouldn't have chosen to propose anyway, or soon thereafter at any rate.My gut feeling for why he invited his ex is twofold; partly to support his daughter, especially since he wasn't sure how he would be coping and it could be that his ex would be less emotional, and thus more able to support his daughter if she had not been especially attached to his mother herself. Secondly, losing someone makes us think back over their life. At this point you were only connected with his mother for three months. His ex was around long ago in the past at a different time in his mother life. He may've wanted to connect himself with/ be with people who were associated with his mother over a long a period of her life as possible. Perhaps he could talk to her about times shared/ character traits/ habits of his mother's, or even what she would have wanted for her granddaughter's future. A lot of family comes out of the woodwork to attend funerals. We look to the past rather than to the future. It's a time for reflection. His ex was his past, you are his future.It is of course entirely possible that he made the comment about marrying you because he was lonely so as to gain sympathy rather than resentment from his child, but your follow ups show that you remained concerned there was some truth in his comment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is really nice that you and your ex still had that respect for each other but my now husband said he hates his ex and vice versa and there was no love lost between his ex and his mum, as i said they did not see each other for years. But i take your points even though you cannot see why i am feeling that it doesnt make sense to let your ex know first. I also cannot see why he wouldnt simply say he married me for love, instead of 'I was lonely now i dont have a mum and a dad' but you all have given your reasons why you feel he said this to her. Thanks for your efforts in getting your opinions across to me!
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 It is not about loving her mum, it is about respecting her as the mother of his child, ... and the FACT that she is the mother of his mum's grandchild and SHOULD be there for that child if nothing else! Why can't you understand this?
Personally, when my dad died last year, I did not decide who could and could not pay their respects when organizing his funeral. As far as I was concerned anyone who EVER knew him was welcome.
This not only included my ex in the capacity of father of his grandson and one time partner of his daughter (me), but I actually asked him to be one of his pall bearers and carry his coffin along side my brothers and my dad's best mates. I am so pleased (as I know my dad would be too) that he was mature enough and willing to show respect to my dad at this level! I even got extra handles put on his casket just so we could have more pall bearers and try to include all the most important people - like my ex.
I don't give a shit who I am with when the time comes, I expect and KNOW my ex will be at my mothers funeral too. He will come because he is a decent person, she was once his mother in law, he owes her that respect, and he is father of her grandson. Simple as! Frankly I would kick his arse if he didn't, ... but I don't have to worry about him doing the respectful and decent thing by my mum, me, and our son, by being there.
Likewise, you just try to keep me away from my ex's grandad or parents funerals no matter what time line has passed. Uh-uh, aint happening! I am not going to lose respect for my ex-in laws as people, I am not going to disregard their eventual deaths to please anyone else, ... I would have some serious issues if I could wipe people with no regard. Even if I did not interact with them again, like hell I would have my son feeling like his mother was not respecting his grandparents and being there for HIM on the day.
It is a very trippy and baffling contrast to me that you object to such common decency - both in her attendance, and your partner letting his son's mother know.
Neither myself or my ex would ring up and tell our son directly that he has lost a grandparent, ..we would inform one another and decide from there the best approach to telling him. Would have zilch to do with our feeling towards each other, but everything to do with our feelings towards our son.
Get over it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe split with his ex when his daughter was a baby so i cant see why he would be concerned taht she might be upset that he doesnt love her mum anymore!
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (11 January 2010):
If you hadn't wasted everybody's time with insufficient information in the first place then we would have been rushing with comments. Right now its a collective "for crying out loud... Now you tell us".
Anyway, its obvious that you have unresolved issues with your husband, I suggest you raise all these issues with him directly. Over here we can all speculate but he would be the only one able to tell you what the truth is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): He might well tell his child that he married you because he was lonely after the death of his parents as this is something which the child can probably empathise with. Do you really think it is good parenting to tell his child "well, me and your mum don't love each other anymore so I've found someone else whom I love more than her." How do you think this will make the child feel? In any situation like this is it hard to the child to deal with a parent finding a new partner, and so it is very important that he introduces you in a way which is least troubling for the child to deal with. Otherwise it could be perceived that you were taking the most important place in the dad'd life, when of course that place is taken his child. Children are sensitive and need to be dealt with accordingly. The child might see you as taking their dad away from them. Try and see it from their point of view. It's not about you, it's about the child. Why does it matter what he told them about you anyway? You seem to be getting overly possessive about things which seem of little consequence in the big picture.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (11 January 2010):
...coz she is the mother of his child, the mother of the deceased's grandchild, ... it was respectful and courteous, and also not offensive to the child that his mother disregarded his grandmother by not being in attendance, ... what more reason do you need!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo no comments to my last post then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe got married six monthes after his mum died,his dad also died two years before his mum. He never told his ex or his daughter he was getting married and i have since found out that when he told his daughter he had married me he gave the reason that he was lonely because of his parents passing away, not what i thought he would have said,'Being in love with me'. So maybe you might understand further why i am now trying to add things up in my mind!
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (11 January 2010):
I can't understand why you are making such a mountain out of a mole hill. He is with YOU, he married YOU. Yet you are upset about why he invited the mother of his child to a drab and somber event like a funeral? If he had invited her to his bachelor party or a festive event then we might understand; but his mother's funeral?? You really need to let it go. Even if they didn't get along, in death all is usually now in the past. Maybe his mother told him she should be there... This is an unnecessary issue and if you already having a fit about this minor issue, then expect to have a rocky marriage. Why are you seeing her as some type of threat when he chose you over her already? If you are really concerned and can't let it go then ask him why he did it. We have tried to help you but you are refusing to accept objective opinions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy then boyfriend asked me to go to support him and we loved each other then as we do now. He still took his daughter, without her mum so still cant see why he invited her at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd he claims he cant stand his ex so why email her first and then invite her to the funeral??
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis ex didnt get on with his mum and he emailed her first that's why i am miffed. And we are married now, he never married her and left her when their daughter was six monthes old. They had been split up eight years at this point so cannot understand why he invited her that's all!!
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (11 January 2010):
... And your problem is what exactly? You do realise that the ex has a child who's grandmother had died, right? How could the child be expected to bury a grandparent without the child's mother there for support? Even more puzzling you were there to guard your husband against any snatching from the ex!! If you are going to have a happy marriage you had better start accepting that the ex will always be in your lives forever; it's a lifetime bond. That child is going to have many events in life that the original parents will need to participate in; first day in high school, parent teacher conferences, plays, graduation from high school, graduation from college, weddings, first grandchildren, crises in the family... and guess what? You may be excluded from some of this. And you are already complaining about a funeral of ALL things!! You have a long long way to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Wow, it can't be all about you 100% of the time can it? The woman died, and he told her, and "invited" her to the funeral. This is not a tea, with invitations- funerals are way different than a party, so get over the invitation issue. She was paying her respect and providing some emotional support for you husband. I fear that with your self centeredness, maybe he knew he'd need someone who could think about him during the ceremony.
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (11 January 2010):
 Older sister has a point thats what i was gonna say
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Probably for some sort of extra support, she is the mother of his only son after all, so there must have been some sort of connection with her and the family. I wouldn't worry about it, or see it as some sort of betrayal etc...
Maybe you should concentrate on helping your husband through this rather than worrying about why his former partner and mother of his son was invited to the funeral
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