A
female
age
51-59,
*oila713
writes:Hi there,First off, I'm a mature woman - 43 years old, and yet here I am in a painful situation after ending a relationship w/a man I was engaged to. I probably never should have gotten into a serious relationship w/him in the first place - he's 10 years older than me and never been married. He had a child w/a woman @ 11 years ago, and yet he told me, when we first met, that he'd never been in a serious relationship. Though he never lived w/her, they were together raising the boy for 3 years when they broke up. He blamed her, stating that she can't sustain any of her relationships, she alwasys wants to move on to someone new. I questioned him quite a lot though, and came to the conclusion that he didn't do much on his part to keep her interested - never took her out, golfed all the time, blah, blah, blah. But he seemed to admit to that, and so I wanted to believe he'd treat me differently. Well, long story short, he gave me an engagement ring @ 9 months into the relationship, after a not-so-nice evening spent w/him on my birthday (where he was planning to take his son w/us for our romantic dinner until my teenage daughter convinced the 10 year old boy to stay home w/her and my older daughter). So, even my daughter thought the idea of him coming w/us was ridiculous. Then, we went out, but he managed to insult me on the way home, and I told him to leave, I was so disgusted. He showed up w/a ring a few days later, saying he was sorry. The engagement, though, didn't really seem like an engagement. He never wanted to plan a wedding and would get angry when i'd bring it up and make excuses as to why we couldn't talk about it. Finally, 3 weeks ago, I'd had enough and told him we're through. Close to that time, he'd told me that he *thinks* he loves me (nice of him to figure that out this late in the game), that he wishes he'd gone along w/my original idea to wait 6 months to have sex (instead we only waited a month), and yet he wanted us to consider buying a certain house together (which by the next weekend, he was saying was too far away). I told him at that point, that I didn't want anymore contact, that if he wants his things - including the ring, to text me if he'll be in my vicinity and I will arrange to get this things to him. I've heard nothing since. My questions: why, after almost a year and a half, does he realize that we should have waited to have sex and put me through this pushing and pulling of his? I guess, I know the answer, and yet, I'm pained, as though he realized he didn't love me. I never did anything to hurt him, I gave him his space, we had fun together - I don't understand why he couldn't love me? It hurts very badly. Secondly, why hasn't he asked for the ring back yet? It was very expensive and I know he's still making payments on it. Is he thinking things over? Or just waiting until he's in the area when he can nonchalantly inform me he'd like his things (thereby cementing his lack of concern for how this has left me feeling)? Or is he guilty and not wanting to ask for it back? He would sometimes offer me money, and I wasn't always sure I understood why. Before this final break-up, he was telling me he wanted to give me money so I could buy myself something to make myself feel good. It feels a little like he's trying to assauge his guilt by paying me off or something. I suppose w/out you knowing him, there's only so much you can say, but I'm hurting so badly, I don't want to ask him for the answers to these questions because that's pathetic, and I'm just wondering what an outsider might think. Thanks for your help.Ms. Lonely-Heart
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broke up, engaged, money, move on, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I agree with the other poster, you should return the ring and his belongings. If you can afford it, have them shipped by certified mail to his house, or return them by way of a relative or mutual friend. Its not doing you any good to keep them, you'll always feel a bit tied to the situation with that ring in your possession.Unfortunately, we can only speculate about his motivations then/now (and probably less accurately than you yourself can). I don't want to tell you I have an idea about what he is thinking, because I'm not sure. What I CAN say, is that all this speculation can easily turn into obsession, and it doesn't do much good for your broken heart. You need to accept that things are over, because it appears that they are. All you can do now is appreciate that you learned a lesson, had some good times, and need to move on now. Work on regaining your self-confidence as a single person, and get back out there to start looking for someone else. So, my advice is stop torturing yourself with these questions, and do your best to distract yourself from thinking of him (maybe by trying to find someone else...). You have no reason to hope that he will be the person you want, really, so the questions are irrelevant. Good luck with moving on!
A
female
reader, voila713 +, writes (19 April 2010):
voila713 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully to my questions everyone. cnith - yes, your answer is harsh, but I know I deserve it. I could've saved myself a lot of grief if I'd taken all those red flags early on seriously. Believe me, I knew I was taking a chance, but then again, I fell for the old, "I'm older now and realize I've been selfish w/my time and my life, and I want now to meet that woman I can spend the rest of my life with." He had a lot of good qualities, and so I hoped he really did mean it. Believe me, I've learned a very difficult and painful lesson from this. I was out of the dating game for a long time after my divorce, so I guess I was naive. I just hope this hasn't proven to be such a painful lesson that I close myself off to all men. I'm scared maybe as they get older, they all develop these commitment issues (I dated before meeting this one, and recognized a lot of commitment issues out there and walked away. I don't know why I gave this one the benefit of the doubt - he may have actually been the most problematic of all, looking back!). Anyway, I do appreciate at least that all of you seem to see him for what he is, and that comforts me. I guess I felt a lot of confusion and was just wondering what others thought of the situation. I'll probably just keep the ring in a safe place until I hear from him, and if I don't, eventually yes, I'll sell it. BTW, the birthday dinner was supposed to be just him and I - we planned it that way, which is why it came as such a shock to me when he said his son was coming along (though he may not have understood that when I said "just you and I" that I was equating that to romantic - I get your point). Also, I had to go back to the store where he purchased the ring, to have it resized, and I got all the paperwork, so it wasn't a ring from his boy's mom. She couldn't remarry as a matter of fact - her religion forbade it. He made me feel like that bothered him, but now I realize that probably convinced him to have a relationship w/her! She would never expect him to marry her.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (19 April 2010):
 You went out with a distant, perhaps emotionally disconnected man and you're wondering why he didn't "love" you? Are you sure you're 43? OK that was harsh, I apologise... a little. I apologise for insinuating you're acting like a 15 yr old girl.
However, think about what you've written. You said you KNEW he was like this but somehow thought (god knows why) that a tiger would change stripes JUST BECAUSE it was you not her. Um, no... guys/stripes don't change so easy, if at all.
To take his son to dinner may have been normal in his eyes. Was it YOU who said it was romantic? Sometimes we women folks look at things from rose coloured glasses...or rather what we'd LIKE to see, not what it is. Guys do it too but it's different, we're so complicated we make it worse for ourselves.
It was your birthday, I get it. I'm not really into birthdays so if your guy had taken me out, I would have brought my kids too. Not a big deal. However, if you wanted him not to do it that way, you could have said something prior. Maybe, you know, my birthday is next week and I was thinking we could have a romantic date, just the two of us, what do you think? blah blah blah and then great! I'll let you plan it so you can surprise me. It'll be great to have just the two us alone for a bit. I'm looking forward to it!
Oh I know, WHY should you have to do that?! I know, pain in the ass... but you have to remember, guys are literal and they don't do hints. You have to be specific and you have to tell them what you want or they go in a different direction. I once told my bf to tell me a story. We had been flirty up until I said that, next thing you know he's talking about some man with six cats. Not at ALL sexy. But my fault. I said tell me a story, not a sexy story. lol. :) Oh well, I learned.
Going back to you though. If he hasnt asked for his things back I wouldnt worry about it, I'd move on. Pawn the ring even. Who cares? OK maybe I'd wait a couple of months but then I'd hock it.
Next time, open your eyes and go with logic. If a man is 50 something and never been in a 'serious' relationship yet has lived with someone for three years...um...chances are he LIKES to just be casual. And he gets away with it from women like you and his ex whomever. He doesnt have to change because you gals will just give it up anyway.
The good news is you found this out BEFORE you were married. Imagine the legal bs that would have come if you had found this out after. No thank you! Be grateful and move on. Easier said than done, I know. But move on.
Should he come back tell him you need him to be more serious and committed and come back to you when the date and church (or whatever) is set. Otherwise, forget about it. Some guys use the 'ring' tactic to keep you around but never intend to marry you. They know girls will eat it up and the idea of being engaged is enough. For all you know, that was his ex's ring. My ex husband did that to me. He gave me his ex gf's ring. *sigh* I had to marry him, I stupidly thought, because of our kid. Biggest mistake of my life. Never again.
Hugs and good luck to you. I know I was harsh, but I hope I woke you up, a little bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): He hasn't asked for the ring because it was a girt. Its in very bad taste to ask someone to return a gift and even though its expensive and he is still paying for it, he wont ask for it back.
From everything you have said it sounds like he is a person who does not know what he wants. He seems unsure of everything, and you even mention all the ''pushing and pulling'. Also it seems like he is very reactive. If something goes wrong or not as he expected he obviously acts like a spoilt brat...but then when he gets some time to himself to think about it, he seems to either realise what he has done or feels the need to patch things up and runs back to make things better. The example there would be your birthday dinner and the ring.
IT also seems like money is the answer to everything for him. If something if off o amiss he offers money? Something is not right there.
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A
female
reader, Jo Rocks  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Your ex fiance sounds a bit selfish and impulsive. Instead of expressing his heart and feelings, giving you true love with a hug and a kiss he took the easiest way out for himself and that was purchasing a ring or giving you money.
If you had married him it looks like it would have been a loveless union, one of which you would be truly sorry you had ever entered into in the first place. This man is not able to be in committed relationships with anyone as he has proven when you look back over the history of his relationships with women. He is emotionally unavailable not just to you but to any woman. Perhaps it has to do with his childhood or his parents relationship.
I would put the ring way and if the day comes for him to ask for it back, give it back. If he decides to ask for you all to get back together you should realize that people do not change and at his age he is who he is. Is that who you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Don't look at the brief moments of happiness or that one little detail that makes him so great. You should look at him as a whole person and how he makes you feel most everyday. His lack of communication and intimacy is a huge issue but only you can decide if that is a compromise that you are willing to make.
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