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steveosos
writes: Hey out there, I'm going crazy. Well I'm having trouble with my girlfriend's past. She has had sex with 15 other guys and had sexual relations with at least 6 more. I try not to bring it up but it comes up in my head a lot, to the point where I get frustrated. I can just picture it and visualize it in my head and it drives me crazy. I love her a ton and she is such a great girl it just hurts to think about. Is this normal? I know I'm such a freaking jerk for feeling this way. Can someone help!
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male
reader, Samir Eltahan  +, writes (20 November 2008):
its masochism..there are people who are sick and love it..the psychology itself derives pleasure for them..there are girls who go a fling where they get nothing at all and pay money for it..to get abused degraded..just because they like it..but when you meet such people you shouldnt turn your back to them NOR marry them but help them..i am not telling you to become a prophet and marry every sick mental person..but dont fall in love but try to advice them i met some one like that one and half year i suffered WHY WHY WHY would a girl go and get such a thing..and what she wants from me..maybe i am boring cuz i cant treat the soft creature like that to me women are mothers not a sex toy..if she wants that get it from some one else not me..so i left and now i am looking for a nice person to marry some one who gives and wants affection not abuse..
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): how many women have you slept with? also, how old are you? the older you and she are, the higher the number of sexual partners you're likely to have. face it, like 99% of people has had sex with others than their current partner. almost no one saves themselves until marriage and that's just a fact of life. if you think 20 is too many, you've probably slept with far fewer women. While I've slept with over 200 women (I'm 30 years old), for a split second I felt like you did about the woman I'm with now (who I plan to marry). From what she and I have talked about, I think she has slept with 25-30 guys (she's 28 years old) It also bothered her that often when we went out, we'd run into women I had slept with. It's sort of natural that we are possessive of the ones we love.however, keep in mind that if she's with you now and she's been with men in the past, at least she's experienced enough to know what she likes and you're it!! I'd say, find the positive in the situation instead. Also, bear in mind that virgins are terrible in bed. While it's nice to 'train' them exactly as the way we want them to be, it's tiresome and takes soooooo much effort. don't worry man, enjoy your girlfriend and forget the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Men value women for their chastity and beauty, while women value men for the security they can give. IMO, it's only fair that the sluttiest of women end up with the worst of men, meaning those who have no jobs and drinks all day.
I say leave her. You deserve someone a lot better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Only problem my friend is that its to late when you are trapped in a marriage!! I suggest either you do you!!! or move to the next person!!
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reader, AaronTJ  +, writes (16 June 2008):
Ah yes, forgot to mention.
If your girlfriend/wife has done over 20 people, in my opinion thats way too much. All these guys who are with girls who have slept with 20+ and had threesomes and what not... i dont know how you do it guys.
My gf has had 2 one nighters and a 2 week fling and im already in deep depression.
If i were you'd walk away, plenty of other women out there with a lot lower number and lots of women out there who hold the same opinion of sex only in a loving relationship.
Ditch those slags, they dont deserve a Man like you.
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reader, AaronTJ +, writes (15 June 2008):
My name is Aaron, im 23 from UK.
Im having the same problems although, im some respects, my situation isnt as bad as a lot of people on this topic.
However in the end, im still in this situation and i have a word of two of wisdom to help.
Been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. She is my first major love and i kept my virginity until i feel in love for real, i've only slept with one girl before and thats my current girlfriend.
She on the other hand has had 4 sexual partners prior to me.
her first boyfriend she dated online for a year, then he flew down from another country to visit, they had sex right away and he took her virginity, now she did this in the name of love, so it doesnt bother me too much, even though he did everything in the book with her, then broke up with her after 2 months.
After that she went out clubbing and met a Canadian dude, he ended up renting out a cheap hotel and they had sex.
This pains me the most because its a one night stand and in a hotel, its simply disgusting and having no value to your own self worth. Hurts me a lot knowing she stooped to this level and i know this guy would of got his moneys worth since he paid for everything.
After that she met a black guy from a dating site, they had a few drinks then they went back to hers, he happened to have a huge cock and they had sex.
Im mixed race myself and im not small, so this guy must of been huge.
After that she went to another city to spend 2 weeks with some guy, he paid for everything and she stayed at his house and she had sex with him.
On our first night she tried to sleep with me, i was planned as another one of her one night stands but she ended up falling for me, and for me at the time thought she was a decent and respectable girl, i didnt know about her past. She also told me it was 6 months since she had been with someone, when in fact it was a month.
I found all of this out about 8 months ago ? possibly a year ?
It tears me up inside every single day. Any little thing can trigger the thoughts off, most times its just there from the moment i wake up to the moment i go back to sleep.
It hurts to know these dogs have had their hands on her.
It hurts to know she's felt other men and held them close, these strangers!
She's taken away her specialness because she's been used so.
She's taken away my specialness.
My virginity means less.
Im not as exciting as i would of been since she's been with someone darker then me.
Im never gonna be able to give my girlfriend the sensation she got when she slept with the big guy.
Our first anniversary was tainted because she'd already been taken to a hotel.
Other guys have felt her special place and ruined it all.
This is no double standard, i dont sleep around, i believe sex is special and shouldnt be done outside a loving relationship.
I love my girlfriend to death, i want to marry her, i protect her, i do all the things and more the perfect boyfriend would do and she loves me to death, like someone else said, she literally would give me the shirt from her back if i asked for it.
And this is what makes it all the more terrible.
She is perfect except for her history. Its not as easy as "The Past is the Past" or "if you really love her, it wouldnt bother you" the only people who say this are the people that dont understand and its a poor excuse.
I dont think my girlfriend is a slag because she's only been with 4 people, to me its still a lot but nothing compared to a lot of other women. However she says she would of had more one night stands if we didnt get together, so maybe i got to her in time and she really is like that ?
She tells me now that she wouldnt do another ever again because of the pain its cased us.
However the only reason she regrets it is because it hurts me, she doesnt understand that she should regret it because of how much its taken from her and me.
I love my girlfriend more then anything and i love her with all i can give.
She's given me everything she can but at the end of the day its not everything because these slagmen have taken that away from her.
Now it boils down to the two options as always.
Break with her or stick with it and try conquer these thoughts.
First, breaking up.
Its hard to leave someone you love. Its hard loving someone who hurts you so much. If you've tried everything you can to deal with this and it still persists, you just arnt compatible as a couple.
Now let me tell you, there are a lot of guys out there who think sex is special, have high values for women and good morals in general and the same is for women.
There are smart and classy girls out there who dont buy into the slutty society image, they think just like you and they are out there.
There are girls out there who only have sex in a loving relationship. So dont go sticking with your relationship because you think you wont find anybody else.
Now, we all love our women so lets ignore the breaking up part for now and try focus on dealing with this.
First off is to admit, YES THE PAST DOES MATTER. You also need to admit to yourself that your girlfriend ISNT a victim. She always had the final say if sex would happen or not.
She brought herself down to that level, not anybody else.
You need to accept she has different views on sex... which hopefully would of changed by the time she has been with you.
(accepting doesnt mean being alright with it, accepting is just knowing and well..accepting it)
Now, onto the important stuff.
You are the fucking MAN!
Think about it, she's been with all these assholes but she's picked you. You're the one who gives her the best sex of her life, the most orgasms!
Your the one she seeks protection, affection and comfort from because you do it the BEST!
Not one of the other guys she's been with can measure up to you! Otherwise she'd be with them.
Your a BETTER man then they are, your sweeter, more charming, have better values and morals.
These other guys aint got fucking shit on you because your the king in her eyes.
If you use this, it takes away most of the insecurities which is a BIG fucking step to dealing with this.
Talk to your woman, communicate in a way that wont offend her and tell her how everything makes you feel, every single detail and she will hopefully understand how all of this makes you feel.
Then leave it there, tell her you and yourself that those other guys dont have a thing on you.
For me, I just got a new fucking ace job AND got into one of the top uni's in the UK.
From the age of 18, i trained myself up from nothing and now at 23 i got accepted by a top uni, while injured AND while i had a chest infection. For the auditions most people there had professional training and it was their 2nd try to get in.
I got myself a suit and from being unemployed for 3 years i went to a top end open day and landed myself a great job as a sales consultant.
I get to wear a suit, i make lots of money. I went through 2 interviews, 3 weeks of training and an exam and got 81%
Im fit, im strong, im smart, im good looking, i have a good sense of humor. I have the best morals and values any person could wish for and i did ALL of this by MYSELF, i have no father and everything i have I GOT FOR MYSELF.
All these pathetic dogs who have touched my girlfriend wernt worthy for her and they cant fucking touch me.
She's had someone who's bigger then me ? so fucking what, the asshole didnt know how to use it and he hurt her.
2 weeks ago i have my gf a 7 hit multiple orgasm and made her cum like she never thought possible!
She got taken to a cheap hotel for the night and banged.
That aint got a fucking thing on the hotel i took her too for our romantic night. 4 post bed, hot tub, tv, sound system, champagne, the lot.
The guy that had her for 2 weeks... You had my woman for 2 weeks and you could only make her orgasm once ?! LOL, i could make her cum by using my little finger.
Use the things that make you a great man and know that she chose you to be her knight because these other guys just didnt measure up in the end, You are brilliant men with good standards.
God speed on getting over this.
I sure as shit havent but thinking this way really has helped.
Go out and buy some new clothes, get new shaving kits and creams for your face, make yourself feel fresh and handsome and be all that you can be!
I came to this conclusion yesterday and it helped. I still find it hard and i still to this point dont know if i can continue a relationship under these circumstances but im sure as hell gonna try a little while longer!
Good luck Men!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Biology is just not fair about this.
Men get these feelings about women (against their wills). And women most don't get them anywhere near as much, so they don't even understand & respect the pain and guilt that it's causing their man.
If most teenage girls could experience how their past will someday make their future beloved husband feel for just one day, they'd probably come out of it so totally shell-shocked that most of them would decide stay virgins until they're married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): After reading 100's even 1000's of posts and sleepless nights and so many images and confusion and havoc...... it was all clear to me..... the one thing the most important thing..... I am human and so is she.... I made mistakes and so did she..... but all in all who am I to judge the woman I love and cherish.... It doesn't mean that it didn't hurt but occasionally I just have to remind my self that I am the man the strong one and now she can be sure that in her times of weakness I will carry us both... and that is why I am her man...and this is why I am here for her and only her....and so the story will continue....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): hi my name is jose and you are so right man its so hard to forget is like you want to but it dosent let you and sometimes i feel bad cause i bring it up and it causes me and my girlfriend to argue. she lost her virginity to the wrong person it shouldve been me but she tells me it was a mistake but i think having sex 5 times with that person is not a mistake i think its a decision you make i love her to death and i really want to forget about this. she broke a promise that she was gonna lose he virginity to me but she broke it its like i cant forgive her it hurts me so much i want to get this out of my head but it just wont leave i need help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Interesting question Steviosos, a tough one too.
I think most of us men feel this way not because of how it reflects on this girl, but because of how it reflects on our sense of Self. Our very identity.
Underlying your feelings are probably several lines of thought, and despite what you would expect, they are not necessarily logical either. Emotions and intellectualism are two different things. There is no reconciliation between them.
E.g. My girlfriend degraded herself, I am her boyfriend, therefore I am also degraded.
My girlfriend slept with many men, therefore as a man and a human being I am not worth being 'waited' for.
My girlfriend, by being with many men, cannot therefore have been loyal. I am now one of those men. Therefore I am not a man to whom it is worth being loyal.
The offshoots of these very fundamental thoughts are: jealousy, pain, anger, neediness.
And the offshoots of jealousy or neediness for example are, of course, a constant need for reassurance.
This newfound need this implies to our 'Self' that 'I am weak, I need to be supported,' and that 'I cannot live without this person.'
This often turns into a cyclical problem, a man spirals into questioning his core values. And thus he asks for more reassurance, the pain loops back into itself. This gathers momentum and beckons us to try.. just one more time.. to find that the 'one perfect answer', that one final rationalisation that will salve our egos.
This is the root of our pain.
Life is a harsh teacher, it tests you first and teaches you after.
Of course the easiest solution would have been to simply ask how many partners she had been with before you were too far gone. If you can't handle it, leave. Any man incapable of leaving a woman whose core values conflict with his own, even to his own detriment, must grow a pair of testicles.
If you do this, you will have 10 times as many girls, and those girls will be girls that YOU choose and YOU want.
Set your parameters, be secure in your core values, stick to your rules. Womens' feelings have a logic, but a logic set in a different context with different ultimate aims. Believe me, women will notice even if they don't know why.
What your core values tell me right now, is the best girl you can find has banged 15 guys before you.
And no one wants to believe that.
C.H
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I have a similar situation... Some worse than others on this page, some not nearly as bad... This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have searched for someone exactly like my gf... She is perfect for me in every single other way. She has prevailed where all of my past relationships have failed. She has made me so happy in so many ways, but this one thing... This one single thing... Seems as though it might be too much for me to handle.
She has been with 14 people, both men and women. Like quite a few people said here, its not that she has had sex before in her relationships, its that she has had cheap sex outside relationships... Mostly while under the influence of drugs. Cheap sex., where she was used groped by pigs and assholes... I so strongly feel that by being with her, I am in some way on the same level as those other men... But I do not want to be.
I am not a saint, but i am also not a whore... I understand how a one night stand can happen, because I have done it as well... But when you start racking them up, one after another... Something is wrong... I am so fucked up over this, I can almost not bear it anymore. I feel like an emotional time bomb... I can be smiling having a great time, but the instant I picture some asshole drilling my gf and her clenching onto him begging for more my heart sinks, my stomach tuns, and my eyes feel with tears...
How can what we have be special when she has shared it with so many others... How can I respect her when other men used her as a fuck... How can I accept that she was at one point of her life, a slut? What is even more confusing for me is how can I love her, knowing all of this?
I don't think it would ever be something I could get over with her... I have made similar mistakes, but nothing to the extreme that she has... She says that she regrets what she has done, and that it was mistakes... But, for her excuses I really do not care... Its like saying to me, im sorry that I ripped your heart out but I promise to never do it again... At that point, with her... I am already dead...
I have only been with her for about 6 months now... And recently we moved in together... For some reason I did not have as much of a problem with this until now... It has always been in the back of my head, wondering... But the other night she told me that one of her x's called her to tell her that she just might have herpes... She told me from the get go that she was clean, and had been tested... But now, I found out that she has not been tested since she slept with her last fuck... So, now she had put me in harms way of all sorts of things. She told me how sorry she was, and that it was the worse thing she could have done... And you know what, she is right.
She went to the dr... And she was clean, her x had caught them from his new gf... But this is the kind of thing that will always plague my mind. I thought that her past was her past, and that I should let it go. But how can I let the past go when problems like this still arise?
Obviously someones past is not something that you can just forget... For example, say that your girl once did something very notable and sincere to help someone else, something that you found very attractive and a good quality about her... Say it was 2 years ago, something she did quite a while back... Should you forget that too? Should that not count in how you see her? I think that someones past is something that makes someone who they are, and by saying that you can not let the past effect how you think of someone is rubbish. Now it may not be something to obsess over or focus on, but it should definitely help give you an idea of who that person is... Remember, just because someone says they are different does not actually mean they are.
Every time I fuck my gf I see how much of a slut she really is. At first I liked the dirty kinky sex we had.... But as time is going on, its making me more and more sick to my stomach to think that she fucks me like this, she fucked all other 14 like this as well... I am nothing special to her, she has robbed herself of that... I dont think I can deal with this any longer.
I fear that tonight when I get home, I will no longer have my gf.
Thank you all for your help, I wish you all better luck than myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): The worst in my thoughts, is the fact that she slept with a married man, 10 years older, father of kids.
It's very difficult, because I can not stop thinking "how could she". For me, a married man is off limits. Completely unactractive (do you like someone who's cheating on his wife?).
She was on a foreign country, alone, with some spare time, and this guy came. He give her attention, what she lacked the most at the time. But she slept with him, she saw his kid, she knew he was married. When I ask her why it didn't bug her the fact he was married, she said : "it's entirely his responsability".
I can not agree. I asked her why she did that. "I wanted to try, it seemed really easy, I saw a lot of people doing it around me, so, why not me? He was really atractive and I was alone".
Wanted to try? And now, because of that, I have to think of a married man, father of kids, doing "it" with my love! She was disapointed after this story, because she understood that sex without love wasn't ment for her. But I don't see her really regretting it, if she regrets, it's more because it's affecting me. It's the worst, it seems. I don't hear a simple "I was stupid, I loose my mind" but a "oh, he was married, I prefered a married man, I didn't wanted to be engaged after beeing hurt by my ex, and with him it was no prob".
The fact that she did that, that she could, is always crossing my mind. Maybe if I was in her place, I would do the same, I don't know, but because of that, I can not stand jealousy from her.
How could a woman who slept with a married guy can even think of beeing jealous? No no!
It is really hard to think of her past sex life like this, it's not really a problem the numbers, is more "with who did she slept".
A note of hope : with the time passing by, and with some crazy stuff we made together, it's every day more simpler to ignore this "episode". To understand "how could she".
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Amazing threadLike the poster and everyone else in here, I have the same problem.Almost every emotion, every feeling, every single dark, desperate, hopeless, angry thought I have had on this issue with my girlfriend, has been covered in here.I have no answer, hence why I am here.Reading through almost the entire thread, I can happily say that it has made me feel rather silly. I used to think 'oh woe to me, poor me, my girlfriend has done all this, I cant accept it, I cant believe it' and so on....Now, reading this thread, it has made me realize that hey, I am not alone. My situation is not unique. I am not dating the one promiscuous girl out there, while everyone else has the most perfect partners. Somehow, I am not stuck with the one and only 'dirty' girl. I have realized that she indeed is NOT dirty, that what she has done in the past is simply a common, common thing that so many other more men are stressing over. I think that this fact somewhat trivializes my issue.I thought I was the only poor fellow out there, but now theres thousands, we all have to go through it, it somehow makes it easier to deal with.The thoughts, opinions, scenarios, experiences etc. posted in this thread (including both extremes, the solutions telling me to STICK IT OUT and GET OVER IT and LOVE her, and the LEAVE her, DONT put up with it, END IT NOW advice) is brilliant.It has helped put me on the path to making a decision. Somehow, I think that this decision that I plan to make (getting over it and understanding that her love means too much to me, OR end it, and close the chapter of promiscuity that is haunting me) will be easier. By reading this thread, so many good reasons to go either way, has made the decision easier. Which ever way I choose to go, will be easier because the rationale behind the decision is supported by so many well thought out words here.I hope I will continue loving this girl. I also hope that I never have to think about the terrible imagery of her that tumbles about in my head again.Its going to be tough, but thanks to everyone, and every post in here. From the brutal truth, to psycho analysis, to the simple opinions in here. It has all helped me deal with it.I told my girlfriend and it made her so happy. I have been resentful, and punishing her emotionally due to my obsession. But she is so happy, because she sees I have made the effort, and am on the right track. Thanks to this thread.Brilliant. Thanks people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): I've been married for eight years and not a day has passed that I haven't felt this gut wrenching feeling of revulsion at my wife's past. It eats me up on the inside, I feel such an enveloping anger and sadness which, try as I might I can't just shrug off. Thoughts of her with her ex boyfriends are like some hideous screen-saver that glaze over my mind at any given time of day triggered by the most oblique connections. And yet I still love her to bits and would never want to give up what we have. We have great sex and there is enormous passion in our marriage but in a way this makes it all the harder to deal with - if I didn't care about her it wouldn't matter. It is made all the worse by the fact that I know her last boyfriend - the guy's a sleazy little turd (even from an objective point of view - they were known as "beauty and the beast" when they were together). I just find it so hard to accept the fact that she would give herself to someone so worthless. We don't argue as much as we used to about it as I know how damaging it is and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better so I just carry the feelings within me - festering. I know a lot of posts go on about the hypocrisy of all this but women couldn't possibly feel this as deeply as a man. Some of the very things that a man finds attractive in a woman - beauty, purity, femininity are so compromised by the thought that another man has fucked her before. I just feel so sad to think that the woman I love so tenderly could have allowed someone to have their sleazy way with them. It sickens me to my core and bar having a lobotomy or being dractically hypnotised I don't know how to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): It's helpful to hear other's thoughts. My 33 year old girlfriend has recently admitted to a history of having slept with more than 25 men, many of them married, and of having non-intercourse sexual relations with more than 50 more. My gut feeling is that I should end this but I've already fallen in love. Since she told me I can't stop wondering that everything we do is something she's done before and that it's impossible to be original.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I just found out my girlfriend aint a virgin im kindof pissed about that but if u love her enough u can put that behind
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): mate,i was thinkin the same way untill i sat down and thort to myself "why am i thinkin like this" then i thort i should't think about it coz now she is wiyh me and that is all that matters. hope this helps a bit,good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): I am a woman who is in love with a man who has a very promiscuous past, yet he can't seem to leave my past alone. I have had six partners, including him, yet he acts like I'm a whore. He becomes jealous and angry at the thought of me having been with other men or at the possibility of me even talking to other men.This is a very unhealthy situation with couples. My suggestion to you and to all men is to let it go. If you love your woman and know that she is a good person and want her to remain in your life, you have to put aside your insecurities and jealousy and give thanks to God that she chose YOU! Hang onto what you hold dear. Know in your heart that her mind, spirit, and BODY now belongs to you and you alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): You got an option, you can move on now, or deal with. The sad truth is that what ur girl did was good compared to todays standards. I was lied to in my relationship and I also was with 1 prior to marriage and took it sacred. The reality is that its a hard sacrafice to make and the truth is that it is even harder to find one that has been with only one or a virgin now. I was tricked inot a marriage, so I had to "do me" if I was to stay married, because now whats special about it? My heart goes out to you. U have the option to accept, or find someone that has lived like you, which is not impossible, but highly improbaly. My heart once again goes out to u! Question is if u found out she lied after marriage, would u have divorced her???
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): hello, i am a 24 year old man. as with many of the guys on here, i have an extremely hard time dealing with my girlfriend's past sex life. i have always been a very moral and upstanding guy, especially with my sexuality. up until recently i had sex with only 1 girl, who was a girlfriend of 5 years whom i loved very much. i have even turned down drunken sexual advances by girl's who just wanted to fuck me (something i have been ripped on by some of my guys friends for doing). i beleive sex is sacred and should be special. i do not feel this way because i am unattractive or sexual inadequate. i do not want to sound arogant, but i am an extremely attractive, muscular and intelligent man. i am also very well endowed having a penis of over 8 inches so i have no insecurities about my manhood. i just have strong faith in God and deep rooted morals that i refuse to compromise.
the problem is this: my girlfriend of 24, who i love more than anything in the world, has been with 7 guys, only 2 of which were boyfriends. she is ashamed of her past and has even expressed that she regrets it completely and it meant nothing to her. she even expressed that with these guys she never even achieved an orgasm and comparatively to me, they were all "tiny". as our relationship progressed and we decided to have sex, (just my second partner at 24 years old), i couldn't help but get vivid images in my head of her with those other guys, two of whom i know. as time has gone on, it has goten even worse, i think about it constantly every single day and it has been driving me crazy, almost to the verge of crying. i love and respect her so much and when i look at her it kills me to think that some scumbag guys had their way with her and veiwed her as a peice of meat. her having sex with the boyfriends who cared about her bothers me, but not nearly as much as the other guys who just wanted a cheap fuck. i know the past is the past and poeple change, but the problem seems to get worse everyday. at times i almost find myself repulsed thinking about all the other guys who have used her.
please someone help me with my situation. i know some of you will say i am unreasonable, and i understand your perspective. if i was a guy who fucked alot of girls then i would have no right to be judgemental. however since i have only been with two girls, both in relationships and never had a ONS, then i feel that my emotions are valid.
i love this girl more than anything and i want to marry her, i just need help getting over myself and her past so i can move on and be happy with her. if things continue in my mind the way they are, i fear our relationship will fail, which would kill me. once again, someone please give me some words of wisdom and god bless the other men on this site, i share your pain and it hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): The "don't ask" approach is psychologist's way to deal with a person who has had a slutty past, but the problem is that it avoids the issue. It is a form of reality denial. But deep down, one always knows that there is a "past", and that that past has prevented the present from being all that it could have been.
Its not just about sex. Its about slutty sex. A relationships with a person who has been married does not trouble one in the way that a relationship with someone who has has a slutty past does.
Women should realize that they do sacrifice their long-term relationships when they engage in cheap sex. The marriage will never be as good as it would have been. That is a major reason why there are so many divorces now. The bonds are weaker when there is that loss of fundamental respect.
Pretending that the partner has not had a past, or not asking about that past, is just buying into the game. It is sad that men have to compromise and give up what they would truly want in a marriage partner because women today feel the need to engage in a pornographic lifestyle (i.e., sex outside of a committed relationship). Again, its not sex, its the cheap sex that troubles many men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): The way I avoided all of these issues with girlfriends' past lovers is by not asking her about it and not allowing her to ask me about it. My standard answer is, "I only want to know how you are with me, so there is no discussion here." And believe me, when girls with fewer partners are comfortable in a relationship, they can rock your world in bed better than the sluttiest of women, because they are doing it for YOU and not just themselves.
If you feel the urge to ask about her sexual past, fight it. Fighting that urge is a lot easier than fighting the images that enter your mind after you know the number of partners she's had. At the point when two people that care about each other are intimate, the past should be mostly irrelevant. I made a "don't ask, don't tell" pact with my ex that worked wonderfully and although I knew she had exes with whom she had sex, the images couldn't enter my mind if it was never discussed and we focused on ourselves. After time, the need to know dissipates and you are left with something that feels more pure than knowing you're one of X-number of men. Don't forget that she's number X of women you've been with, and that's only for you to know.
Men, choose woman that care for and know themselves emotionally and don't use sex as an emotional crutch or a manipulation tool. That just makes *you* a tool. Past sexual experience is okay, but why deliberately cheapen your partner by making her into a slut by the images you create in your own mind? The only other person that makes her a slut when she's devoted to you is yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): I am going through the same thing. I love my wife and I believe we bring out the best in each other and I dont want to lose her over this, but like other guys on this forum, I cant get the images out of my head. There are so many aspects of this subject that are bothersome. 1) As men we dont want to think of anyone with or girlfriend or wife except us 2) We begin to compare ourselves to her previous partners 3) The fact that 10+ guys banged her is disgusting, and in my case 4) she lied about her past for years until the truth finally came out recently. I'm still searching for answers on how to deal with this. When we are having sex and she's doing things or saying things, I cant help but think she's said that or did that with other people. She has said with other men it was more of an acceptance thing, she just wanted to be popular and fit in, so she gave it up and just layed there. If that's the case then where did you learn everything you're doing with me???? I guess I really dont have an answer to your question, just wanted to share that you are not alone in this. One thing that worked for me for a little while was focusing on the good times we have (non sexually) but then you get to a point where you need to have sex again and thats when all these images flood my mind with her in different positions and doing different things with random people or casual friends. Hopefully someone else can give a better answer because I cant and I struggle with this everyday. I even went to seek some professional help and that worked for only a couple weeks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): I definately agree with you!!! The good thing about your sitiuation is that at least you know about your person's past. U have a choice to leave, and I would leave. The messenger above is 100% correct. Its your life and your sacrifice. Don't let anyone subject you to this liberal post modern nonsense!! As men have a primal dynamic to proctect their women, women on the other hand seek to nurture. She'll never understand you because she is a woman. You find someone that lived similar to ur standards, or maybe u may want to experiment also. But 17 men is to many, however, she was was honest unlike so many that lie to get their husbands and then the man is made to feel inadequate and guilty. Enjoy your life and find your queen, you deserve it! Its a high honor to perserve yourself in this foolish culture!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): Don’t make a mistake. The obsession with her past that you are experiencing today will haunt your tomorrows; I dare say it will haunt you forever. You and the relationship will be like a pressure cooker without a relief valve. One day it WILL pop.Why should you have to live like that? If someone says you have problem and you need therapy and perhaps even medication I would say the same for them. Having self esteem and basic standards does not require the aforementioned. Who has time for someone else’s baggage becoming yours? I would say at least start on an even field with someone who has similar and mutually acceptable life experiences, long term marriage is hard enough without additional unnecessary encumbrances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Question to all the guys: if a woman had 17 partners and her 17th partenr is a love of her life but he can't accept her past what should she do? She was honest with him from a very stary , told him everything, gave him a choice but he still obsseses about the past. She loves him very much, realizes she made mistakes before, regrets them all and is a changed person now. However, his obssesions are slowely killing her imense love fr him. What is she to do? Should she just give up on a hope of a wonderful husband, children, family? Should she just shut herself at the age of 31. in the house and not have a right or hope for true love? She realizes that the promiscuous behavior is a cruel hoax planted on women and she regrets it very deeply. She is a changed person and wants to return to her spiritual virginity. So, will the gut that had only one sex partner stay with her? She loves him so much and want to give him her whole world but can't live with his obssesing. What is she to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): I am having the same thing.I met my current girlfriend in a nightclub and we hit it off straight away. At the end of the night we jumped into a cab, went back to hers and had sex. Great?well I was shocked by how easily and quickly she jumped into bed."Well you didn't exactly say no" my friends told me when I explained. Icouldn't help feeling I was just as bad, but somehow not to blame.I asked my brother, who is a psychologist and he said "there IS a fundamental difference in the wiring of a mans brain when it comes to jealousy. When man was a hunter gatherer the alfa male would try to impregnate as many females as possible to give the tribe more chance of survival. females who mated with many different partners have increased vaginal bacteria (check a smear test of a girl who has lots of parnters) that can cause various problems and can potentially complicate birth. We instinctively know this and have primeval aversion to females who have had multiple partners. For the male, the risk much smaller. Modern society has brought equality up to date, but it may take hundreds of years before we stop seeing messages posted on sites like this.Now my girlfriend has had 24 ONS, 2 threesomes MMF and FFM and 1 relationship of two months and she is only 21. I am 26 and I have slept with 18 women so I'm no saint, but the thought of all those men fucking my girl makes me sick. Well it did until I found a video she had made with her ex. It was rubbish. I had imagined her in all these porno style poses, frowning and groaning but it was actually boring and clumsy. the reality was nowhere near as bad as the thought. It was just my instincts kicking in and good on them. I don't know why but the consuming thoughts seemed to just just dissolve. It made my own chest beating seem daft and it was no more threatening as if he stuck his wet finger in her ear.Fact is, I love her and I trust her and we have the rest of our lives to completely dwarf her sex tally into nothing. In fact, we have probably done it already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): You are a good example of what has gone on in the past 30 years. a typical example of how the 25-40 year old male has been forced to accept slutty behavior from their women, and to reconcile their conflicted feelings by thinking/feeling about this issue in a womanly way. Your approach is exactly the way women view this: the past shouldn't count. This is the way women get to do whatever they want with no consequences (they think there are no consequences, but there are). They let themselves be used, and have their "fun", and then find a nice guy who they can settle down witn now that they want a famly. The poor guy is left with dealing with the natural bad feelings about slutty behavior, and on top if that made to feel guilty for feeling that way. So, the solution is the one we get from modern psychotherapy: no morality to sex, just accept and go on. But we all know that we would not want our daughters to act that way. How will you teach your kids to act? Does your woman accept that how she behaved was wrong, or does she insist that you are wrong in judging her? Important issues to resolve. The "Sex in the City" lifestyle is a fool's paradise, and it has hurt families, and women themselves, tremendously. Your solution, to accept, is a good one if you want to be with a woman with a "past" , but there is something wrong about the notion that behavior has no consequences.
Good luck to all who are dealing with this issue.
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reader, Chicago1  +, writes (31 August 2007):
I can sympathize with you completely. I too have fallen in love with a women who has had a slew of liaisons over the years before we met. And not a day goes by that thoughts of her promiscuous past doesn’t cross my mind.The “right” for women to have a sexual past just as their male counterparts is not the issue. Women enjoy sex just as much as men. And this is only natural. However, women, have complete control over the whole sexual encounter. Sex happens ONLY if THEY want it to. Men must ask for permission. Women need only say yes or no. And it is in this fact alone that men have issues with finding out that the women they love have had a great deal of sexual partners before them. For the one you have fallen in love with to have deemed a great number of men worthy of sharing that kind of intimacy with them in some way or another makes their current mate feel a little insignificant at times.Having said this, I have taken great comfort in knowing that my girlfriend, who takes pride in the knowledge that she has always been in complete control of her sexuality, and the number of men she has shared that with, has found ME to be the one that has allowed the memory of those before to fade into nothingness. Though I am only one of many who has had sex with her over the course of her life, I’m the only one she feels to be worthy of spending the rest of her life with.She has asked me to marry her. YES. SHE asked. My girlfriend is a realist. And knowing that she has reached a point in her life that she is willing to forsake all others and spend the rest of her life with only me has helped me grasp a new understanding on sex and love. Her sexual past bothers me a lot. But like I previously stated; I take great comfort in knowing that , though I have qualms about the life she lead before me, I know that her past experiences have lead her to realize that , when all is said and done, there is ONE man or women out there that completes us in every way.The road one travels to reach this understanding, at least for some, may have a great deal of twists, turns, and crossroads, ups and downs, that help us become the person that we are today. My girlfriend has walked away from a lot of previous relationships and turned down a great deal of men who wanted more than just a “one night rodeo” with her. Her willingness to “fall in love” has come from this road she has walked thus far.You, my friend, like me, may never be able to get the thoughts of previous liaisons out of your head. It is again, the man in us that finds these thoughts troublesome at times. But know that if she is the right one for you, the thoughts that go through your mind will eventually change from “disgust”, per say, to ones of complete understanding and acceptance.Leave the past in the past. And know nothing but the future with the one you love.Peace out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Bunny,
I appreciate the good spirit of your comments, but I think you are wrong when you say that the feeling about prior sex is the same for men and women. First, men feel this far more strongly than women. Yes, some women feel bad about their lover's prior sex life, but on a whole far more men feel far more strongly about this than women. Just look at the posts on this issue in this forum and other websites. Look at any book on sexual jealousy. Men generally feel far more strongly about this than women. Men have thousands of years of cultural history that tells them to feel a certain way about this, and that cultural value is based on biological and psychological wiring built into males. So, some women have a feeling about this, but most do not, and that feeling is not as strong with them as it is with men. Remember, we are talking about generalities, and the fact that a few women may feel this to some extent does nothing to refute the general rule that men feel differently about this than women. That is why it is a tough issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): First hand, one thing we forget is what a man may feel in this situation may be the same with a female in the same situation. so avoid saying that "you wouldn't understand how i feel." I am a virgin and I, myself, felt bad about my love's past. I asked "why is it okay for men to go and play around, and girls shouldn't(i know it's because of higher risks, ie prenancy) or if they did they'll be unrespected." So i opened my mind, and search what guys would feel if in my situation (reversed, girl slept with a lot of people, and the guy is virgin). Reading through the comments here, it's basically the same...
moreover, as they say, past is past. ACCEPTING it is easier said than done, but nothing is impossible (although sometimes i wonder impossibility may also be possible too, lol). I think it's all in our will. The good thing is he/she is willing to change. He/She is with you because he/she loves and want to be with you, and is not treating you like a "one night stand" or "just fooling around" as what he/she did with the other people.
Past is important, but the present and the future is more important. She may be the person she is now may be because of her past. Afterall, experience is what makes us. We just have to choose which to take. Don't let your "fantastic," current (and possibly future) relationship be ruined. Hard as it may seem, WE (yes, we) just have to accept the past, to achieve the love and happiness with our significant other. We know our limits though. But.. Yes! We can do it! We can accept it! GO! GO! hehe
-Bunny
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): I would like to add one more thought to my last post: men are not entirely blameless when it comes to this issue. While I do think that there should be different standards for men and women when it comes to sex outside of marriage, with women having a higher standard, I do think that men also have a standard of behaviour. That standard is to treat women with a degree of respect, and to get into sex only within the confines of a true relationship. This is pretty much the standard that I think also applies to women, only that women have to be more careful about ensuring that it is a real relationship before having sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): Men have been placed in a terrible situation in recent years due to the way society has taken the "slut" as the ideal modern woman. If this really bothers you, you must either end the relationship now, or get some help quickly before it really takes root in your mind and feelings. I am not saying you are wrong to feel these things, only that you must do something about it. The relationship will not work if you feel this way. It will get worse over time.
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