A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question has been on my mind lately and it has to do with how girls choose their boyfriends. Here is my background. I'm relatively short for a man at 22 standing at 5'4. I use to have skinny figure until I started to get fit going from 100 to 135 pounds of lean muscle mass over a one year period. Girls that I went to high school with complimented me on my change when I saw them but after awhile they got used to seeing me that way. Anyways I'm very intelligent, go to college, and have a very well secure paying job. The problem is that no women seems to be interested in me. People always tell me how good looking I am but yet girls aren't attracted to me. My friend said it could be because I've never been in a relationship before and that women don't like that. Is that true? Am I being deducted from women's list because I have no experience? If your wondering why I have zero is because recently I was diagnosed with something that is known as Extreme Empathy and paranoid personality disorder. This stemmed from when I was sexually abused when I was little. This resulted in me not trusting any females (because my abuser was a woman) so I pushed them away. So what is the reason I'm being overlooked if I am stable in my life?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 September 2012):
 My advice would be to go to places or events where you will meet all types of people...men/women, old/young and start making conversation. Even if it is only your local farm market...you need to get out and broaden your social circle, start to feel some worth in yourself, and then move to focusing on women you might want to date. Do you work with women? Can you make conversation with them? "Dealing with women" is no different than dealing with men. We're human beings and like to be treated as such. It sounds like you need to get out and live your life a little more, talk to lots of different types, races, sexes of people without any pressure to make a move or date. You will start feeling more self-assured and will possibly meet someone that way. Just look at it like you're out to meet and get to know everyone, therefore taking pressure off yourself to meet women. Also, get more counseling if you need to.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 September 2012):
 i agree with Tisha that your height will not be a turn off at all.
But you might like to work on your Self esteem and set some goals to achieve the aim of meeting girls in non threatening situations, such as a volunteer group. Or a group that has a common aim or a common theme. This way you can interact with girls without actually dating them, unless you feel you 'click' or you start to enjoy their company.
You will start to meet girls who are nice and genuine and start to show real interest in you. Then is the time to ask a girl out for a low key casual outing. Nothing too expensive. And even then you will still only be 'getting to know her', not dating her.
Dating comes a little later.
Go slowly and do not be overly pushy.
Also try positive affirmation, repeated daiiy, to try to increase your own confidence level,
Regards
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel this way because my past had hindered me from living life as a teenager and made me push girls away leaving me with no real women interaction such as going on dates, kisses, or showing any affection. I'm trying to move forward and live life. I guess I can't make any connections with girls even being friends because I didn't learn how to interact with them during my youth like normal guys do. My height doesn't bother me. But I would think it bothers some women. Every time I ask a girl out to dinner I always get the run around or no response if I call.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2012):
 "all I had left was to move forward with my life but in order to do that I needed to start dating"
I'm not sure I understand this. You needed to start dating in order to move forward with your life? Why do you feel this way?
Why not simply get to know a girl and then maybe start dating her?
By the way, your height isn't the issue. I have short male friends who are in happy stable relationships with taller women. I also know very petite women who would prefer men under 5'6".
So when you ask a girl out on a date, you are told 'no thank you'?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I didn't understand at first after it had happened but as I grew older that's when it had an effect on me. I would be real angry when girls would treat me bad but the only thing that kept me safe and grow up fine was the parenting I had. I grew up in a loving house hold so it helped with pushing all the bad away. In a weird way being abused showed me to treat people with respect and that no person should ever be used like I was. I took counseling to get rid of my anger towards my situation and it worked. Even though I was advised not too I confronted my abuser and found some closure. I've never seen a person cry so much in my life and ask for forgiveness. They told me of the abuse they suffered when they were little thus doing on to me as they were done on to by someone else.(I was 4 and they were 16 at the time of the abuse we both suffered). After all my anger and the person was confronted all I had left was to move forward with my life but in order to do that I needed to start dating. So I found myself not attracting any ladies but the thing is I'm nice,friendly, Very confident, make eye contact and I have no hatred towards anything. So I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Are you in treatment for the abuse? Do you still push women away?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 September 2012):
It has nothing to do with "experience" and everything to do with how self-assured, confident, and how friendly you are. Women, including myself, love a man who feels good in his own skin and is not afraid to make casual conversation with us. You do not know how many men I have met who never smile in my direction, always have an intimidated or frightened look on their faces, or are "laid-back" to the point of seeming like they don't even know we women exist. I have a boyfriend, but I still meet men like this. When you see a woman you'd like to meet...you have to make eye contact with her, be friendly, smile, and treat her like she's a human being. If you can do those things, you will be able to get a woman. If you can't, sorry, but it is going to be a long haul for you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 September 2012):
Hi
I have seen guys who many might think they would not be able to get a girl, but they do. And I think Inner Self Confidence can really help.
Code Warrior has put it well in his article on Confidence:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
Your own self beliefs can become a reality and the negative ones will really derail you.
Please accept my commiserations that you suffered sexual abuse as a child. Have you had adequate counselling, do you think? Because the legacy of sexual abuse by a woman, of a male child is especially cruel. Are you familiar with Michele Elliott who has become a beacon of light, shining the spotlight on this very distressing aspect of Pedophilia?
I do hope that all your counselling has stressed the fact that you were Never to blame for the abuse, and you were always innocent of any complicity in the abuse you siffered as a child.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michele_Elliott
Michele Elliott has written a number of books including:
"Female Sexual Abuse of Children"
It may be that you could benefit from some support to improve your confidence in you and help you to be more assertive with woman.
Woman love a confident man who can take charge and lead the way. Sometimes that may be difficult for you, because of the abuse, and you may appear too willing to do what the woman appears to want.
Girls may not know why they step back, but if they sensed that you were too eager to please them and too intent of meeting their every request then that may seem 'different'. Where you correctly read the woman and empathise with all her needs, to the detriment of your needs.
If you have never been in a relationship it may be that you have suffered too much domination in the past and there are still some "too servile" ways of behaving that you need to unlearn.
Some may say the solution is to get a woman who replicates an abuser, but I say they is a backward move. It does not help you go forward. And only reminds you of past abuse.
Far better to focus on your healing.
Fortunately you are young enough to learn new ways of interacting.
By the way, as a gentleman you do not have to spill your whole past dating and sexual history to a new woman. You can be a gentleman and (if asked) say that "a gentleman never talks about past loves" - because this is true in any case. What you did or not do in the past is NO one's business but yours.
But if you still want to talk about your Sexual abuse to very new girlfriends then this will derail some potential relationships.
Right now focus on joining some groups (mixed) to learn new skills and find friendships while doing some volunteer activities as I think this is likely to help you connect with woman.
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