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Why are white men always falling for white women and not me, the Puerto Rican?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 December 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 8 January 2013)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello dear cupiders,

I am puerto rican. shoulder length cruley brown hair/ very tan skin/ reg. brown eyes/ short/ I believe I'm attractive I give myself a 7 1/2 out of 10.

I am attracted primary to 'white' men. (Not that I'm racist or anything! Its just what I'm attracted to). However I've find it that 'white' men usually prefer 'white' women... the straight hair/ blue-green eyes/ light skin girls. I've had many men white and non white boyfriends dump me for these kind of girls. I find myself wanting to look more like them. Not that I have done anything to make myself look more like them... Its kinda my dirty little secret... I am not ashamed of being Puerto Rican... but find it that sometimes I'm not good enough... or pretty enough... the strange thing is that I don't consider myself to have low self-esteem, I am confident... but these observations hinder me a little...

my recent x- boyfriend dumped me for a dirty blonde/ light skin/ green eyes/ rosey lips girl... the guy that I'm crushing on now has a girlfriend that is blonde/ crystal blue eyes... and much more...

I have a very friendly attitude and very diverse.

it couldn't be my personality...

I am I just Losing it? Are my observations just absolutely ignorant? Will there ever be a guy that I'm attracted to that will be fully attracted to me?

View related questions: crush, has a girlfriend

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013):

As a Latina I am blessed to be in an amazing relationship with a Caucasian male and we are blissfully happy. Yes I love his light eyes and soft hair but it is much more than the physical. We get along in many levels. He is my soulmate. I am 40 and my true love is 50. This is the first time he or I dated someone of a different race. All I want to say is love will find you when the time is right. Who knows, your true love might come in a different wrapper because that is all that skin is. It is our largest organ:)

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A male reader, Alfredo United States +, writes (30 November 2010):

The young lady who is Puerto Rican and was dumped because her boyfriend wanted to date a white women who was of a lighter skin needs to understand this.

Puerto Ricans is only a nationality. Not a race. If you are of a darker skin or molatoe, then you are black and need to be proud of your black race. Puerto Rican compared to the other carribean Islands is 80% White of European decent; 20% is Black or molatoe. Cuba is the next 65% and is white. Puerto Ricans who are White need also to be proud and not ashamed to say so. People who are very IGNORANT and believe only by what other people say should look up the facts .. starting from the census on to the migration of the Island. Be proud of who you are because you are the beautiful design that God created.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009):

True love is a very hard thing to find, even under the best circumstances. But I understand how your confidence can be crushed when you're dumped by anyone, even an immature loser who didn't appreciate what was good. Never stop believing in yourself and your power to attract and keep a man. Men don't even know what's hot, what's not? Look at who they wind up with usually. Your Mr.Right will come, but you must be patient. Sexual attraction is a start, but wanes very fast...so does the sex, so don't rush into it...hot sex, boring sex, the increasingly "bourgeois dog-and-pony show" called SM, whatever, it all wanes very fast. It just doesn't matter to men. So don't think a man is going to stay with you just because you live up to some stereotypical notion that Hispanic women are supposedly "hot" in bed.

Be the proudest Hispanic you can be. Continue to develop yourself as a human being. Refine talents, clean your house, do something for others, take care of yourself, practice warmth, dress classy, learn to debate, etc. And flaunt that beautiful curly hair. Clearly define what you want from a relationship. Marriage? Then, don't play around with men. Let them know you have standards and won't budge. Men seduce and lose women faster than you can blink these days. If he's really interested, he'll stay around, honey. If he doesn't, he's not worth getting to know that well anyway. I know.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009):

A lot of the opthers have given very excellent advice, but I'd also like to add another perspective.

Sometimes, with we who date outside of our race (I'm a Black woman open to anything... my boyfriend is White), we have to be careful when dating outside of our race. Why? Because although when we date a man we think "a great guy" sometimes White men look at us and think "Ooooh, a hot Latina!" or "Oh, a Black woman... never been with one of those" or "I've always heard that Asian women were ________, I'd like to try that!" and become victim to the stereotype they've always had a fantasy of living when what we want is a man, who happens to fit our physical/emotional/mental preferance.

For example... there was a white guy I was talking to once. He actually had the audacity to ask me, "So, what's Black p*$$y like?" My response was, "I don't know... I've never been with a Black woman." Right then I knew not to bother with him again because while I was looking for the man beneath the skin color, all he saw was a chance try out some Black poo-tang.

One of the first questions I asked my boyfriend when we were getting together was if he ever dated other Black women. I wanted to know this because I wanted to make sure in my mind he wasn't trying to get with me based on some Foxy Brown/Coffy stereotype about Black women in bed and was actually trying to get to know ME, as a woman, as a person.

Believe me, I've heard it all. I know of Black men who want to White women, because they've heard White women are "easy" and "freaky". They want Latina women because you all are supposedly "Hot in bed". They want Indian women because they must know the secrets of the Karma Sutra (as if its passed on through the genes or something). And then there's women who want Black men because supposedly Black men have these "Mandingo" dicks that hang to their knees; or White men because they have lots of money and are generous; and Latin men are full of romance. Its all ridiculous. And untrue. I know plenty of small dick Black men and cheap, broke White men and VERY unromantic Latin men.

My point is, when you get involved with a guy (White or otherwise), please make sure they he wants to date YOU. Not the stereotype of who he thinks you should be because your last nmae is _______ and you're not some exotic stereotype for him to play with before he decides to go back to where he's most comfortable (his own race). Once you can pass that hurdle, then you'll be dealing with a man where your race/color/ethnicity no longer somes into play and anything that happens after that is between 2 people: not a White man and a PR woman.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009):

well, i am also hispanic and my wife is a white women, we have been together for about 3 years now. i used to go out with hispanic and peurto rican women before i met her, now i am also in the military and deploy alot,... so it may just be the choice of woman, but they never waited for me to return before they started having sexual relationships with other men. now with my wife NOW, i have deployed and she actually took the time to be very supportive for me and was there for when i came back! its my opinion however, that interracial relationships tend to appreciate each other alot more due to the exoticness of the situatons they are placed into.

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A male reader, GuyLuvsLatina United States +, writes (12 March 2009):

I can honestly say that I think that these guys have lost it. Puerto Rican women are some of the most wonderful in the world. Why someone would leave a PR woman to go out with a blonde, white girl....and that be their only reason is unclear.

I would love to have a PR woman who actually stayed with me.

Don't ever desire to be like other women, you have something that you should be proud of. Don't think twice about it because of your ex men. The guys who would never leave you are out there.....Trust me. I am one of them.

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A male reader, Mike517 United States +, writes (9 March 2009):

White men love Hispanic women. Your problems with men have nothing to do with white mens' racial preferences, they are just the interpersonal drama that everyone goes through. Everything else being equal, White women have nothing over Hispanic women.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all your post.

emporessmystique- I do not hate white, attractive, blonde hair women. I do not hate you. I thank you for taking the time to help me!

Its hard to explain exactly what I feel... I do believe that I am beautiful (most of the time/ we all have our days) However my past hinders me... I always second guess myself "He likes me now, but if he sees an attractive, blonde, blue-eyed babe, is he going to leave me? Is my curly hair/tan skin sufficient enough --to him...? Do you understand... I might face some self-esteem issues... but can you blame me... I don't let it deteriorate who I am... Its just a hinder/like a clown above my head /like a voice in the back of my head saying 'you're so ugly...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008):

you are definitely not a racist.Everyone of us are attracted to a particular physical pattern.

Just think how boring the world would look if all of us looked the same.

Though you think you don't have a low self esteem,you don't have a high self esteem either.

A high self esteem comes from not wanting to be like anyone else.That's the first step you need to take towards self improvement.

Confidence brings a sexy charm that's undeniable.

Guys are different from us.We are more emotional.They are more visual.

If it was looks alone that could keep a guy in line,most of my friends who are much prettier than me wouldn't have got divorced.

The initial attraction is mainly due to looks.I agree.I am no different from that.The first thing I noticed about my husband was his spectacles.I always had a thing for a guy with glasses.

All of us are human beings.None of us are saints.

The next level of the relationship depends on the physical chemistry.How good you are in the sack.I am sorry to be so blunt.But that's a fact.

But most people start getting bored by this too.you need to reinvent yourself when it comes to making love.It is very important in a relationship.

Once the thunderstorms of the physical chemistry mellow into pleasant rain showers the most important part of the relationship comes in.

Definitely that is not your skin color.Its how loving,caring,forgiving,gentle and patient you are.Did you know the beauty of the heart adds a glow that never fades with age.Its your intelligence and being fun that makes you interesting company .

Most of the guys value a fun time outside the sack too.you need to live each day of your life as if its your last.I am sorry if it hurts you ,I feel jealousy and resentment towards the white girls from your post.Good news is you can overcome it easily.

Start loving yourself.Do not want to be anyone else.you were successful in the first two steps.The guy got attracted to your looks and you were in a relationship with him.

Start working on making your heart beautiful.That's all it takes to make sure your guy never looks at any other girl.Mine never does.:-)

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (9 December 2008):

DoubleM agony auntIn my opinion, you may still just a bit too young to realize that many young or older white men can and will love you, and would be proud to be your lover or husband. I'm old and way out of your league, but in my youth, my lovers included quite a number of Latino and Asian women, with whom our experiences were among the best in my life. While I readily admit that none were everlasting, it had nothing to do with cultural differences.

In my case, I was always proud and felt fortunate to love across these cultural lines, which to me were invisible, because my attraction and relationship with them was always personality. Conversely, I think that many Latino, Asian and black young men today do, as you suggest, just prefer to chase white chicks as a sexual conquest rather than anything meaningful. At least in many cases, it seems and has been documented much more a case of "seduce and leave them," often with unintentional children. It reflects a hopeless stupidity among many young Caucasian women, in my opinion.

Nevertheless, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your interest in Caucasian men, and like many women of Latino origin, you may among us find the love of your life. These days, it goes both ways and that is fine as long as your man is true. Most of your disappointment is due to age and the immaturity of your boyfriends, regardless of origin.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (9 December 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntHi, have you ever considered the idea that there might be an guy of Asian heritage who thinks you're gorgeous and wants to date you? Or maybe an African-American? You probably don't give them much of a chance because they aren't your type. Do you think they might write in here and ask why this lovely girl with brown hair and very tan skin doesn't even give them a second look?

So I can't speak for all young males of caucasian ancestry, but I expect there are quite a few that would want to date you. You just need to find the one that will ask you out, and hope he's a good guy! And I'm not going to try to convince you that racism doesn't exist, because it does, and it affects lives. I think 95% of people in this world find it easier to stay within their comfort zone, to stay with people who look like them, talk like them, think like them. Maybe this encompasses color of skin too.

I think that Daniel had an excellent answer to this question, actually. Read his answer a couple of times. I also doubt it's your skin color or heritage that led to the breakups. I could be wrong here, but I think there was something else going on.

My advice would be to move to one of the cities where there is a whole diverse mix of people and you'll have a better chance of finding love in the pool of men you're willing to accept it from.

Look, when I was your age, I thought I could only ever find a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy attractive. What was I thinking? The really memorable dates were all with guys who were anything but. Now I've got a guy with lovely grey hair mixed with some black hair. Am I sad that I didn't wind up with that fantasy blond guy or regret my marriage to my great guy? Um, no.

So you'll change, you'll grow, this might develop as you gain some more experience in life and allow yourself to make friends with ALL kinds of people, not just SWM 18-21.

And when you find true love, and he loves you to bits, you'll realize that hair color and eye color and skin color is the least of it.

I wish you good luck in your search for love!

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (9 December 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI'm a "café con leche", that is to say, mixed blood, but I agree with Steaknife. Preferences do exist (and, sometimes, racism, too), but I wouldn't say these guys have dumped you just because of the color of your skin.

Say you're a racist. If you already made the connection to the girl with the brown/black/yello/rainbow but not white skin, you won't leave her for that very reason, will you? If a person's color or ethnicity or whatever bothers you, you don't get involved with that person, do you?

I think this guy didn't leave you for your being Puerto Rican.

If you say "white", do you mean "White Angle Saxon Protestant"? If this is the case, I have another remark to make, and this might be your answer. You know, many of us Hispanics, when we live in the US or Canada, tend to marry Hispanic anyways. The reason is a cultural one: the woman/man knows how we think and what to expect from us, and so do we. Are you sure this is not what's happening?

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A male reader, steaknife United States +, writes (9 December 2008):

i don't think it has anything to do with you losing it. but i can't say that white guys only fall for white girls. i know this because as a white guy I've had crushes on Asian girls, black girls Hispanic girls etc. it just has to do with the guy's personal taste. keep looking, there are guys out there that are into girls outside of the white girl.

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