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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I think I may have a problem with self-image. The thing is, of late, I've more been around more people who really take into account appearences before they get to know people. They are my boyfriend's friends and they are often discussing and debating the hotness of women, as if that's all there is to us. My boyfriend calls some of his friend "beautiful people people."The girls they date are super thin, have perfect skin, and look ready to pose in a magazine at any time. I feel so self-conscious hanging out with my boyfriend's friends. When a bunch of us went on vacation, I dieted to look as thin as possible, out of fear and axiety that they woudn't want to get to know me if I didn't look like the other women/girlfriends who ressemble stick thin models. Why are some men too threatened to hang out with women who are less than perfect? I don't understand how I am supposed to fit in with my boyfriends crowd. I know I have quite a degree of attractiveness, but my flaws bother me when I am out, these guys and I feel I have nothing to talk to them about. Why are my boyfriend's friends so harsh on women needing fit a certain prototype? I don't understand. I've always been accepting of people for who they are. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 It sounds like you got two parties at fault here.
Yes your boyfriends friends are shallow, hell they a business students, what do you expect?
You on the other hand seem to worry a bit to much about it all. Social science student, what do you expect.
They should be less shallow, you should stop trying to analyze /cure everyone especially since you haven't yet cured yourselve of your anxieties.
Did your bf pressure you in anyway to diet or was it all in your own mind? He has friends but that doesn't mean you got to be friends with them as well. Just get along with them when needed and ignore them the rest of the time.
He likes you and unless there is something you ain't telling us is happy with you the way you are. Does dating a less then perfect girl who studies social sciences mean he isn't allowed to have shallow friends?
For that matter, where is it written that people can't be shallow? Let them life their own lives, especially since they don't actually seem to do anything to hurt you from what you told us.
People are allowed to hate fat people, it is a free world. You hate shallow people after all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for so many responses!I know it's not about looks. I have been more superficial than I am now. In recent years I made friend with people who these guys wouldn't even bother to talk to. But these new friends... wow, they are incredible people and so down to earth, and so great, and interesting...so much personality and interests. When I bring some of my friends out, the superficial boys don't even talk to them. One of my best friends is quite large, but she's the sweetest most optimistic person I know. Too bad these guys will never see it. So sad. So the groups are kept very seperate and don't mingle.. I try not to bash my bf's friend. He gets defensive and starts saying how they're not all that bad. I hope those guys grow up though. I don't know why my boyfriend is different since these are the guys he grew up. They are also soooo materialistic and come from wealthy families. I come from a wealthier family than any of them, but I don't care to show it off. They're all taking business in school and brag about how much they cheat and copy off of others in their classes. I just role my eyes. I am social scientist and they call me "the communist." They're so dumb and homogenous in their views. So ignorant. Bah. I don't understand why they are this way!!
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A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I think this comes from one being shallow minded thin isnt always good nor is looks you can have both or either and not be a good match or have a personality like a box of rocks .. I truly think there is alot of this going around and it comes from the media for the most part and what they think the perfect girl should look like WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG..... Beauty comes from within
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (29 April 2008):
My ex bf's friends were like that. VERY superficial and materalistic. It bothered me quite a lot too as I'm not like that at all. THey would constantly talk about the looks of females and if they werent hot then they would pay them out about everything. They would also critize any guy who broke up with a 'hot chick' and thought it was outragous he didnt stick wiht her! They would say things like 'why the hell did so and so dump his gf? she was hot! what an idiot'. Obviously these guys they were talking about knew what was most important- and thats not looks.
I hated being around his friends. They never approved of me going out with him because I wasnt 'cool' enough.But the thing is with those type of people no one is ever good enough for them. NEVER! Ive done modelling before but recently quit because I hated being around so many superficial people. So yet despite me having done that, I still wasnt good enough for them. I wasnt into all the materalistic things that they were into and I def wasnt a poser liek all them.
Perhaps part of the reason why these guys are so superficial is because they are yet to find out the REAL importance in people. Sooner or later they will find out. When they get a exstremely good looking gf who may not have ANYTHING in common with them, the ywill get bord and will realise that there are much more important attritbutes to look for n a gf. Unfortunately it takes some guys a while to get this. At your age, in your early 20's they probably have a fair while left to experience this superficial way of life I think. It wont be until there needs change and are not being met by someone who is only hot and that being there only quality.
If your bf isnt superficial like this then thats a good thing for sure. I understand you really want to fit in with your bfs friends but if thats how they are then it might be impossible. Have you told your bf how his friends make you feel? If not then I suggest you do this. Hopefully he will undersand and wont expect you to be best buds with his mates.
I think as long as you are just friendly to them then he shoudlnt be expecting to much more from you. As long as you smile and ask how they are...
I dont think he should expect you to hang out with them if it makes you feel uncomfortable. He shoudltn be putting you in that situation.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Your with your bodyfriend not them so it doesnt matter what they think. To your bodyfiend you are beautiful. They may 'date' beautiful girls but are they in love with them or are they dating new girls every week. At then end of the day you fall in love with who you fall in love with and although my husband is of course gorgeous to me there is so much more to relationships than looks. Dont try and make yourself be like them as your boyfriend fell for you as you are and you are probably more beautiful than you feel - we all have self image issues - Ive been super thin and super fat and in between but Ive never been happy with myself until I met a man who loved me for just being me. Good luck it sounds as though your fella is ok xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): It is good that your boyfriend isn't flaky like his friends are.
You need to try not to let them get to you. Be yourself and tell yourself that if they don't like it, then tough. If they do say something, then your boyfriend should have the balls to put them in their place. I know I had friends (no longer keep contact), that even surprised me that they were capable of some of the things they'd say. Even had a girlfriend that would wait for me in her car until I got home. This was extremely disappointing and eventually I found a new place to live. Twenty some years later, I doubt they have changed much.
If it does bu you enough, you may want to try steering the relationship in different direstions, like having him meet your friends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):
Just don't lose sight of the fact that this group is your BF's friends -- not everyone out there.
And not all guys are like this either.
For what it's worth I find some groups of girls to be just as superficial. Sometimes it's about social status & money instead of physical looks.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 It's the herd mentality .
They live in a superfluous and unreal world of make beliefs.
They believed they are Gods perfect creatures and nothing but the best for them.
All this is very vain and nothing more.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Hi there,
your boyfriend needs to realise what a bunch of wankers he's hanging out with - and I guess so do you, by this I mean you have to realise that wanting to be accepted by them is a fruitless task - they will dump you like a dirty rag the moment you are no longer "in" with them - these type of people are incapable of real feeling or friendship.
It is such a strong motivator wanting people to accept you. But superficial people will never accept those who are not like them. You have your own values yet you seem to want to embrace the values of these a-holes. Surely you can see the light of day and realise that it is not about you making the effort to have them accept you , but its about your boyfriend accepting that his friends are jerks and you have every right to call them on it.
That is the key , until you make him accept that you are different to this type you will never be truly accepted by these people. Just think about what they probably say about you when your back is turned, and believe me they will, the small minded individual only has the intellectual capacity to gossip - anything else is way to cerebral.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses so far. My boyfriend is not like his friends--he's far less threatened by people who aren't this tiny perfect looking thing AND he has more personality... The thing is, I just want to be able to fit in with his crowd and I want his friends to like me (we've been dating for almost 2 years and I keep promising him I will try to be friendly and fit in).
I want to be able to feel comfortable and myself, but I feel like I'm being judged all the time. I also thought men didn't exactly like stick thin women, but that's what these men go for. I mean I thought I was thin until I met some of their girlfriends who are clearly all around 100 lbs. My boyfriend also think they're way too thin to be all that attractive.
One of the guys even broke up with a gorgeous girl b/c he claimed she had too ugly of a mole on her leg! Like what do these guys expect? Also they HATE fat chicks. I find this offensive b/c I have a few amazing friends who are a little bigger, but they are incredible people. It's just sad, ya know? I wonder if they will ever grow up. I wonder if I will ever enjoy going out with his friends? I secretly hope he'll drift away from this crowd and meet 'real' people who actually have useful things to say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses so far. My boyfriend is not like his friends--he's far less threatened by people who aren't this tiny perfect looking thing AND he has more personality... The thing is, I just want to be able to fit in with his crowd and I want his friends to like me (we've been dating for almost 2 years and I keep promising him I will try to be friendly and fit in).
I want to be able to feel comfortable and myself, but I feel like I'm being judged all the time. I also thought men didn't exactly like stick thin women, but that's what these men go for. I mean I thought I was thin until I met some of their girlfriends who are clearly all around 100 lbs. My boyfriend also think they're way too thin to be all that attractive.
One of the guys even broke up with a gorgeous girl b/c he claimed she had too ugly of a mole on her leg! Like what do these guys expect? Also they HATE fat chicks. I find this offensive b/c I have a few amazing friends who are a little bigger, but they are incredible people. It's just sad, ya know? I wonder if they will ever grow up. I wonder if I will ever enjoy going out with his friends? I secretly hope he'll drift away from this crowd and meet 'real' people who actually have useful things to say.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (29 April 2008):
Hi,
your boyfriends friends sound like a bunch of superficial jerks.
Guys are visual that is true, but these guys are a bunch of wankers if you ask me.
For a start, most guys prefer girls who have a figure, not a stick insect. There is no bigger turn on than seeing a girl naked and having bones poking out every which way - yuck!! Real men like a woman with some flesh on her thankyou very much!
I hope your boyfriend is not as superficial as these other guys, if he is, stop starving yourself and find a new crowd to hang out with - ask yourself this, do you have a really good time in their company or is it all just image and pretense?
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A
male
reader, Mason Stanley  +, writes (29 April 2008):
Guys are completely different than girls in dating. A girl will know if she can see herself sleeping with a guy in the first 3 minutes of meeting him and a guy will know 3 minutes before he meets a girl. When "the boys" are hanging out talking they are rating girls strictly on physical appearance. They don't take anything but an initial physical appearance into consideration.
Obviously this guy is your boyfriend so he thinks highly of you and does like you. By you hanging out with your boyfriend's friends then you are already off limits so there is no reason for them to hide their "true selves".
Don't sweat it, this is completely normal for guys to do. When they debate hotness of girls that's what they are doing, talking about looks. Some of the best looking girls I know have no personality but guys think they are hot. No one would date them once they get to know them but as far as looks go they are good looking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): That's men, for you. They're "visual" creatures - in other words they're superficial, literally. Oh, a word of advice: judge a man by the company he keeps...
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A
female
reader, notinthesane +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Look, as long as your boyfriend isn't as shallow as his friends, don't worry about it. He obviously likes you for who you are as a whole, so that is all that should matter. There are many people out there that can not see beyond the physical, but they arent the kind of people that usually have much to offer anyway. If you love yourself the way you are, don't ever feel the need to change that to suit other people. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder, and your boyfriend must see the beauty in you.
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