A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please help I am really struggling I am trying to understand the pattern of events that keep happening. I have just got back onto the dating scene and wanted to have fun to gain casual experience, but ultimately looking for more. It seems recently that there is a pattern of men talking to me a week/ 2 week non stop, (to the point I can't even keep up with how much contact there is) and then just ghosting me.. block/ delete disappear etc. Sometimes this happens even close to when we've arranged to meet, had in depth convos, and we even established sex might be on the cards!I recently was taking to a lovely fireman for almost 2 weeks.. he lived quite far away but worked 7 miles from me.. he would constantly tell me how funny I was, compliment me, we would joke a lot, and he just was constant with the contact (to the point of apologising for not getting back to me within an hour!) I even said the messaging was a little overwhelming for me.. We went on a first date Wednesday, he booked a travelodge because of how far he lived, he was finishing a day shift at 8 (he did hint he would open if i wanted to come back) had a lovely time he told me I was fascinating, we had sex and (i was kindof drunk) Thursday Friday he still was in contact, saying I could come to his house in bedford etc. I bit the bullet and asked him when he was next free.. since then he has disappeared and not responded.. last time he spoke to me Friday evening. I just feel so shocked and rejected, felt a connection like we liked each other and did play it cool, we even had a long chat about how I was up for fun, but how we were both looking for more ultimately- he is divorced at 33 and said the worst thing he could think of was a casual relationship at his age..For me it's such a blow.. the date went well and he was keen after.. even the fact that he hasn't messaged me again just to have sex hurts, cos it's like I'm not good enough for A. a relationship OR even good enough for more fun :(( kept saying how sexy I was etc. couldn't keep hands off me It just feels like no one wants me for fun or relationship, have it once and never get back to me, I feel like a part of my identity and core has been torn apart, like I am worthless and not good enough for them. Please I would appreciate insight cos I am struggling to not take this personally Thank you so much
View related questions:
divorce, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): Hi all
I would like to thank you for your honest replies it is exactly what I needed to help better understand events
I am realising that I do need to speak to someone professionally about my self worth and feelings, because the pain of rejection is still hitting hard
Objectively I can see what probably happened, but it's not changing the way I feel:(
Thanks anyway, these replies have helped me understand things more objectively!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2021): Dear Lord, these people are using you.
But it's kind of your fault too for not being clear about what YOU want.
You either want a serious relationship or a f-buddy.
If you're having that, you have to leave all your emotions at the (hotel) door, and be prepared to be treated like trash by increasingly dishonest (probably cheating) men.
Sounds like you need to step away from it all, look after (and respect) yourself (which means putting YOUR needs first), and call a good therapist.
Happiness and strength is possible, but I don't think you have it right now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Rhinocerous  +, writes (2 August 2021):
 Some men have a certain type of low self-esteem, insecurity combination where they desperately seek affirmation of their self-worth by being desired for their sexual virility. This happens even in men you would otherwise never believe were insecure or had low self-esteem, even very attractive, very successful men.
It sounds to me like this guy (and probably many others you choose) falls into this category. In reality, he’s likely married and doesn’t want to be seen out with women locally in his area. So, he makes up this story about living and working far apart. This helps him 1) get away from being home or where he can be spotted, and 2) gives him a reason to give you for why he has a hotel room instead of a home to invite you to.
He’s a “nice guy” in his mind, so he thinks complimenting you to make you feel good about yourself is a fair trade-off for wanting just sex from you. It’s also the reason why he continues to flirt and chat with you for a bit after he has “had” you - so you won’t think he was just using you for sex (which he was, to fill his need for that affirmation). But then, it’s gets to be too much work so he ends up ghosting you and is already working on his next accomplishment.
So in a sense, you should absolutely not take this personal. But on the other hand, read some of the other answers below about the type of men you’re choosing. They’re really onto something about what’s going on with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): Easy-sex usually shortens the interest of your prospects; because they've gotten what they wanted too soon, and there's no incentive to carry-on any further.
Stop putting yourself down, or making too much fun of yourself. You said you were told you're funny, I suspect a lot of your jokes are "self-degrading" jokes. I notice a lot of women do that. It may seem funny, but you're more or less highlighting your flaws or weaknesses; and people chuckle, but it sticks in their heads.
You have all the potential anyone else has for a relationship. Dating is hit or miss; because you don't hit a bullseye every time you shoot an arrow. You miss, or you hit far from the center of the target. That's life, and that's the dating-world.
You'll get anxious, desperate, or needy; after breakups, or failed-connections. It shows, if you're trying too hard. We all do it, because we want to make a good impression. We tire of the relentless search for "the-one." You've offered men sex, because you feel that's what they want. It is, but some guys are rotten to the core; and they'll judge you as cheap, or too easy. Some guys are looking for a lady who's sure of herself. One who knows it's a two-way thing; he has to meet your criteria as much as you have to met his! There are good-men out there, only they get overshadowed by the losers; who are more aggressive at chasing females, but mess them over when they get one. Ladies are attracted to the bad-boys. Then after they get burned for playing with fire, they blame all men for being no-good! NO! NOT EVEN!!!
Sorry, but I don't care if it's the 21st-century; there are still Neanderthals out there who set double-standards for women. Meanwhile, they're nothing more than man-whores or manbabies themselves! They put on a smooth front, and appear to have a good game. They'll woo you and put-on this nice-guy image. Some get a kick out of playing you along, screwing you, and then dumping you. That's why you have to develop resilience! To pick yourself up; when you get knocked-down!
Many online-dates are trolls and wolves in sheep's clothing. It's not always your fault. Just see each guy as an individual. Take your time to get to know him, and feel him out. Give him a chance to get comfortable, that's when he'll drop his guard; and that's when you'll see him for who he really is. You can only keep-up a phony nice-guy act but for so long. The real-him is squirming to get out! You've kissed a few frogs. So be it! Keep trying! You're in too much of a hurry; and your desperation will give you away! It will also make you dismiss and overlook red-flags. If you look-down on yourself; in-effect, you'll lower your standards and criteria for the type of men you date.
If you're on a desperate manhunt? Sister, abort the mission! Needy-women always find the worst man-types! They grow like weeds, and it's hard to miss them!
The right-person isn't easy to find. They're like jewels or treasure; rare, and hidden from sight. You have to hunt for them. You also have to have your act and head together when you find them. You have to have a healthy self-esteem, a reasonable amount of self-confidence; and you have to teach yourself to bounce-back after rejection or disappointment. These men are human just like you, sweetheart! Looking for love! They too have flaws, weaknesses, insecurities, and imperfections. They might be good at hiding them with bloated-egos, and narcissism.
Beware! Some jerks are purposely out to break hearts and hurt somebody!
It's not always on you, who has to gain "their" favor and validation; you should also be evaluating them for strength of character, open-mindedness, maturity, and fairness. Good-chat and things in-common are a good start; but they're not everything. You have to get inside his head, not just his shorts! You have to wait to see signs of real interest, and not feel you need to seduce men into sticking around. They won't, if they feel it's just about rolling in the sack.
You have to know your self-worth. Even when guys don't comeback, or they're too blind to see it! It's not always you, sometimes it them! They don't know what they're looking for, or they're just looking for a quick fling; but they have to pretend they're interested to keep you on the hook.
Be patient. Get to know them. Refrain from pointing-out your own flaws. If they seem to lose interest quickly; maybe it's because sex happened too soon. You don't always have to put-out! That's often an indication sex was all they were ever after.
You deserve better than that, and you better start believing it, girlfriend! If finding what you're looking for isn't easy, that doesn't mean you give-up. You don't whine and pout. You work on your self-esteem, always seek self-improvement (for your own sake), and find ways to boost your confidence. Rejection happens to everybody!
Be fierce, girlfriend! If you get dumped by one man, he's nothing but a teardrop in an ocean of men. Shake it off, and move on!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): It sounds like this guy is married or at least taken. Men trot out the 'looking for something more' line more often than you can count, because it gets them sex!
He found you on the internet, a woman pronouncing that she is happy to have sex straightaway. He thinks, 'Great! Some sex with no ties! Can't wait. I'll book a hotel room and we can have some fun!'
You both meet, you have sex. He goes home and messages you, thinking maybe you can have sex again at some point, but when you ask when he's next free, that's too desperate for him. Especially if he's married. He thinks you are a good time gal and he is a good time bloke. And that you both understand what is going on here. When you nearly asked him out, you freaked him out! He started to worry that you were catching feelings for him. He imagines you are getting it on with other guys, he's very likely getting it on with other women. He sensed you liked him more than that and ran!
If you want something more, stop pretending you don't. By talking about sex so easily and so quickly, and then making good on your promise by sleeping with a practical stranger straightaway, you will more than likely be weeding out any men who are seriously looking for something more.
Sorry to say this, but a woman who has sex with a perfect stranger (talking over a device does not count, you don't really know the first thing about him) they have met on the internet is not usually someone a man WANTS to get serious about. If he were looking for someone to marry and trust, a woman behaving as you are, isn't it.
Please have some self worth. If you don't respect yourself, no-one else will.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 August 2021):
 As my partner is an ex fireman, the part of your post which immediately rang alarm bells for me was when this guy said he lived quite a distance away but worked close by. It is seldom that fireman work a long way from home (unless there has been a change in their personal circumstances and they are waiting to be re-assigned to a station closer to home). His story would, however, be a perfect cover for him staying in a hotel overnight. Not saying it wasn't true, just that it would ring alarm bells for me. I would have been asking a lot of questions about that.
I had to smile when you wrote you played it "cool". If jumping into bed with someone you've only just met and wanting to travel miles to his home town for more sex is playing it "cool", I would hate to see your version of "keen".
It may be an old fashioned way of looking at things but, in my experience, people seldom value what comes too quickly or easily. Chat is cheap. This guy could have a number of females he is chatting to. Or he could be home now for the week-end, with his family/wife.
You seem to have an external locus of identity. You base your value/worth on how others see you, rather than knowing what you are, what you are worth and not selling yourself short. All it takes is a few compliments and you appear willing to jump into bed with a complete stranger. Not only does that line you up for being used, but it is also quite dangerous. You knew nothing about this guy, except what he wanted to tell you.
What is your rush? Why are you so desperate? You should never be in such a rush, and certainly not in your early 30s.
I hope you, at the very least, had the common sense to use barrier contraception. There is nothing like pregnancy or a sexual transmitted disease to put a dampener on things.
My advice: learn to value what you can offer, don't be so keen to give it away and get to know someone properly before committing to having sex with them. If they are genuine, they will wait. If they don't wait, they were never meant for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mb2435  +, writes (1 August 2021):
This is a painful situation. Men think about getting the sex first then consider a relationship. I think women may be the reverse. Try to keep it platonic for like a month at least. The book Why Men Love Bitches may be up your alley. It’s about being pickier and setting boundaries, standards, etc. don’t beat yourself up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 August 2021):
 I think you need to decide what you want, casual or a relationship. If you are "ultimately" looking for a relationship then don't settle for something casual.
Doing casual means you will be "used" and "use" others for "fun" and really you will get little out of this. Sure, you might get some sex or and std or .. both. But at your age is it really worth it? Emotionally?
This guy SAID he was divorced, he might not have been. So when you suggested a "date" he ran. This indicates that either he is seeing multiple women, has a partner, or WAS only really looking for sex.
I would suggest you spend a longer time getting to know a person (IN PERSON) before jumping into bed. He got you in bed in about a week? He might not WANT to date someone who will jump into bed with an ALMOST stranger. He is picky. That doesn't mean he didn't want the sex.
And perhaps you need to also be pickier yourself in whom you CHOOSE to have sex with.
TAKE your time. You can't expect an instant relationship. It's unrealistic. And it's unrealistic to think that you can really get to know someone in BARELY 2 weeks.
You might come off as desperate, tbh. If you talk a bit with someone jumps into bed and then try and plan a date that seems like someone who is not quite aware of the situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2021): You are gullible and naive. You are immature and far too trusting. These guys are just after a quick fix to scratch their itch, they play it by ear, you sound ok today but someone who has bigger boobs or lives nearer takes your place tomorrow. They also want it both ways, they want it all casual, all for free - so they can avoid paying prostitutes who get paid a lot of money to be that way with them, and then they lose respect for you. They think she is an easy lay, she puts it about, she is easy, she is so daft she gives it away for free to just about anyone, so your nothing special to them.
...............................
|
