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Why am I kept separate from his family?!?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 March 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2019)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Im not sure what to do.

Ive been seeing a guy who i met from work for around 2 years, we dont work together now and we have separate places too.

The relationship got off to a rocky start due to work colleagues gossping and me cheating with an ex, however, we are both still together and still serious. he stays at mine every night and has keys to mine so its like we live together just he still has his place.

What is bothering me is the fact he has two kids and hasnt introduced me to them all this time, or his family or his friends, he seems to keep his life compartmentalised.

he seems to share childcare respectively with his ex partner and they seem to get on, however, it was his daughters birthday the other day, they had a meal him, his ex, his daughters, all my boyfriends family, his mother brother, sister, nephews the works, and it really made me jealous as i was just sat in alone and not included.

Is this normal? He also pleads proverty all the time, always has an excuse as to why we cant do anything together and yet he paid £400 for his kids birthday, it just really does get to me. why am i not included? why am i kept separate? i feel like the mistress or something and i talk til im blue in the face, he says youll meet his family when you need to and so on, it will happen when it happens, well cross that bridge when we come to it, i am so frustrated and just dont know whether its worth staying in this or just ending it, as i feel as though he is hiding me, or just cannot and will not commit.

I really dont know what to do anymore, talking gets me nowehere. part of me thinks should i give myself a time limit and if nothing has changed then maybe end it?

View related questions: his ex, jealous, mistress

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 March 2019):

My presumption is that he is still working-out some of the leftover matters of divorce. He has kids, and he's trying not to create drama by introducing a new woman into the mix.

He's afraid it would look like he went out and got a replacement for their mother; and tweens and teens will act-out, if he has kids in that age-group. Their behavior tends to ripple through the family; and that gives his ex-wife cause for pause. She'll blame it all on him and bringing "that woman."

Teenagers can be manipulative and cause the younger children to follow suit. So he's trying to keep a lid on things; but he's deluding himself. He has to make them adapt to the changes in the family dynamic. That means being open and honest to everyone.

He has had more than adequate time to introduce you; unless he is attempting to reconcile with his ex-wife. You should certainly ask if that is the case? Don't attack him, just ask him in a civil tone. Some guys kiss butt to keep their exes off their backs for late child-support; or ease her scorn when he's dating someone. She'll find ways to retaliate.

You should inform him you refuse to be treated like an outsider; and if he has a justifiable reason for it, you deserve a full explanation. Not just told something to shut you up like a whining child.

You deserve respect and not to be hidden like a dirty secret.

His kids, parents, and his ex will just have to accept the fact that he is moving on; and he has a new woman in his life. Not try to pretend like he's still married; and appeasing the kids like they've never divorced. I've seen this sort of situation before. Everyone becomes apprehensive when one of the parents starts dating. Then there's an emotional reaction.

It's all to maintain a facade of normalcy for everyone. To show that the divorce didn't change anything. The divorce has changed everything; and he can't pretend it hasn't. His ex-wife will have to bite the bullet and deal with it. They aren't married anymore. He doesn't want to be the bad-guy!

You'll be a secret as long as you will allow it. The only other thing I can think of, is he's not serious about you; and hasn't made up his mind how long he wants to maintain a relationship with you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI also HAVE to question if the divorce is final or not.

He STAYS as your EVERY night, so you don't go to his place much? His place is also separate from you?

I have to agree with N91, why start a "time limit" now? It's BEEN 2 whole years already and nothing.

I think that NOT introducing kids too soon is a good idea. If a relationship is going well at about a year, it's time. However, my guess is his EX doesn't know about you and they get along well and raise the kids together still - though I wonder WHY he doesn't have the kids? If he is at your place every night? When does he have HIS kids?

And INTRODUCING a new "GF" shouldn't be done at a kid's birthday party anyways. That party is about the birthday kid. NOT the GF. So in a sense I CAN see why you weren't invited. However, 2 YEARS? and not introducing you? Seems off to me.

The financial issue is another thing. He will ALWAYS have his kids to be a higher priority than you. Which isn't a bad thing, but he also prioritize saving his money for things for the kids. Again. NOT a bad thing. BUT it does leave YOU a bit in a bind. As he won't have any money to pitch in to do ANYTHING really, with you. AND that won't change either.

You DO seem like a "mistress" or even a "Friend With Benefits". Having a key to your place means YOU have included him. Let him in so to speak. Have YOU introduced HIM to your family and friends?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2019):

I have a different take on this.I think he is still very much married and you are just the side girl. The reason I say this is that your are a secret from his friends and family.I think in two years you would have met at least some of his friends and family.Yep you are his girl on the side.Dump him he will never give you what you want or need.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2019):

I think you blew it early on by cheating. He hasn't committed to you in any way. If he wants to finish it tomorrow he can hand back your keys and go back to his life without too much disruption.

Everything else is the same- no difficult conversations with his family or children.

He has prioritised his children. He spends his money on his kids and their stability is key. Even if he was committed to you these would be good things. I guess you haven't managed to convince him you are a good long-term prospect.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (15 March 2019):

mystiquek agony auntNormally when a person is in love they want to tell the whole world and are proud of their partner. Doesn't that sort of say it all? It sounds like you are his dirty little secret for whatever reason. Why do you stay? If he won't give you answers and just keeps putting off your questions then don't you already have what you need to know?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 March 2019):

N91 agony auntWhy start the time limit now? It’s been 2 years. Does anyone actually know about you? Has he told anyone? Or are you truly in the dark?

This doesn’t sound like the signs of a positive relationship, it’s clear for all to see. You started by cheating on him, that’s not really the best foundations now is it? I can see that possibly being a factor still that he’s not fully gotten over it and may be keeping you away from his family because he doesn’t see this as a serious thing, it’s somewhere where he has sex on tap without having to fully introduce you to his life.

If one of your friends came to you and told you that they were being kept secret by their partner, would you tell them to give it two years and see what the situation is? Or to find someone who doesn’t mind letting the world know they’re together?

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