A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Have to ask myself why I am incapable of having a proper healthy relationship?Ever since I started dating about 3 years ago my whole relationship catalogue is a disaster (all my fault), so what is wrong with me?It started with a guy I dated for a year, at the start of the relationship i wasn't there for him and he cheated, forgave him, moved on and fell for him.. Then ended up cheating on him about 6 months later with a married man more than double my age (CLEARLY ENDED IN DISASTER)... Broke it off with both of them.Started sleeping with a guy (friend) with a girlfriend (also much older than me), who I ended up falling for and he rejected me (in his defense he told me it was meaningless sex to him if i was cool with that and i was... then fell for him).Then I started dating another guy, lovely, deeply in love with me, wouldn't hurt me EVER (but im not IN love with him, though i do love him), yet i cheated on him with a one night stand... And since then was faithful with him for months and months but met another who is 18yrs older than me, have fallen in love with him except hes MARRIED.Clearly i know this aint gonna work out, so im guessing subconsciously i pick guys that i know i cant have? Maybe why i pick an older man, or unavailable one?I have suffered with depression, dont know if this has anything to do with it.Despite what it sounds i am an intelligent person and i know my behavior is unacceptable and i/possibly others will get hurt, but i do it anyway.. The question is why do i get into something i know is gonna hurt me or has slim chance of working out?(This is over the space of years by the way I know i've listed the events to seem one DIRECTLY after another, but this is about 3 years worth of my dating)So, anyone know why I can't stay away from trouble or settle down with a man who truly loves me?I realise I am wrong and have problems, trying to get help here so please, thanks, ACES.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Some women (especially young) just naturally seek unhealthy relationships. Some men too, but its much more common with women IMO.
The standard version of the story is that they all must have some underlying emotional issue or trauma to cause it. But the un-PC truth is I have know some people without any explanation for it at all. Some people are just like that. You can bring some people up in a healthy environment and still get chronically unhealthy behavior anyway.
Maybe you have a reason or maybe you don't. If there is something deeper going on then you will be a whole lot better off trying to find it. Trying to stop dysfunctional habits without dealing with the underlying reason is almost impossible. I suggest you look within yourself with some professional help and see what you can find.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (18 November 2013):
These are things you need to talk about with a psychiatrist; it's beyond the power of advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): First off, you should try just dating guys without sex being the means to lure them to you. You are most likely a very young and attractive female. You know your power, but you haven't learned how to use it. You need validation and acceptance from older men; because you may have issues due to a distant, abusive, and/or in-affectionate father. You also may find them attractive due to their maturity and the very masculine image they project. If they're out of reach due to another commitment, you enjoy enticing them away from someone else. Like competing with your mom and siblings for your dad's attention. This is all purely speculation.Forbidden fruit is all the sweeter. You are highly aware of your sensual power. You can easily flee when you can't deal with things emotionally. You have built-in excuses and use them to manipulate men. You aren't hurt by being dumped; because he wasn't yours to begin with. Convenience.You've recognized your problem, now do some research. Go to the library and online, and search for books and publications about commitment-issues. Books with topics about dating married-men. Then read psychological studies about abandonment issues and distant detached fathers/parents. Take time off from dating while you do your reading and research. If you have access to counseling, seek some.You have some inner-issues that are symptomatic to your depression; and it does effect your behavior and how you approach relationships. You may need to talk to someone more than you need medication. However, if you are already on a prescribed therapy, you must resume or continue your medication.You are loveable and a very loving person. Your writing shows evidence of it. You are on a self-destructive path; because of your family-history.Maybe you need to concentrate more on your mental-health; and get therapy centered on your family-issues and depression. Those issues are affecting your ability to form healthy and stable relationships.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (18 November 2013):
This is odd it seems you have created unnecessary trouble for yourself. I think you enjoy challenges. I noticed how you didn't much feel for the guy who loved you back because he was available. Not being funny but if you do find someone they might not like the fact you have cheated and slept with married men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2013): I think its crazy when people are unhappy in a relationship and cheat i have multiple friends who have been in that situation and i still dont understand why?Mainly because when i was in a relationship and i developed feelings for sombody else i ended things straight away no questions askedI guess you have hurt a lot of people with your actions ( and im not here to lecture you) but im guessing your every womans worst nightmare. But its great that your facing upto a questioning your actionsYou should ask yourself what do you truly want from a relationship!? Did your previous relationships lack any of these things? Did you cheat with other men because of arguments bordum or was it the sex that was dissapointing?I think stepping away from this married man is the best option for you right now start fresh and new and take some time for yourself to figure out what you want in life in order to keep you satisfied in a relationship One day somebody might cheat on you that you are head over heels with and its going to hurt you so much and you will see the pain you caused to others with your actions ! I hope you figure out something and find true happiness !
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