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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi there. If a couple is pregnant, married, and has the means to bring up the child well (financially speaking and in a good neighborhood with a good education, etc), and one partner wants to have an abortion and the other doesn't, what should be done?Should the person who doesn't want the baby be made to be responsible for another life that he/she didn't want and made clear from the beginning?Should the person who has wanted a child all his/her life be able to have their dreams come true, or go through a long period of devestation and depression? (Emotionally speaking, adoption would have practically the same result.)If the question sounds a little "flat" or "hollow," that because I don't want to bring sex (male/female) into this at all since it could cause some bias. I would just like a straight answer please.Can someone please give me his/her thoughts? It would be very much appreciated. Thank you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your answers, everyone. It's really helped us to focus on things and see things from different perspectives. This sort of thing is so emotional, and even though it's our decision in the end, we still felt like we needed to reach out to someone you know? Like for answers, even though there's nothing "wrong" or "right" with either deicions. Thanks especially to those who shared their own stories. Thank you for taking the time to be there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): Everyone has such great advice!!!! I don't want to force my opinion on you i just want to tell you my story and you can do with it whatever you want. I feel pregnant to my partner of 6 months i wanted that baby with all my heart but i was 17 and we had nothing, my partner and my head said we had to abort the baby, my heart said that this was my child and i couldn't destroy it. My partner from the moment we found out said we had to abort the baby. In the end that is what we did, i had an abortion. I know that it was as much my choice as his but i still can't help but blame him a little bit. After the abortion i mourned my baby, he didn't understand what i was so upset about. I don't mean to offend anyone but being pregnant and being the one that has to sign the form giving permission for them to kill your baby is something that only the women will ever understand, No matter what the father will never understand the guilt you feel after, even if you knew you had to do it. He always said it's done know theres nothing you can do, you have to get over it. But every baby you see you think my baby would have looked like that or thats how old my baby would be right now. Sorry to drag on and on, but i guess what i'm trying to say is yes it is both your baby but in the end its the womens body and its her who has to live with what she allowed them to do. I think the women should have the final descion. Goodluck, please think long and hard, but whatever you deceide just remember its your body and your mind, you have to live with your thoughts and feelings for the rest of your life, you can't leave or turn them off. Goodluck i hope it all turns out ok xx
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reader, chunkymunky  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 i dont think there is a straight answer because either way it will put a strain on the relationship. Personally if i was pregnant and my partner wanted me to keep it but i didn't then I would have an abortion anyway, it's my body and i sure wouldn't want to bring a child into the world that wasn't wanted by both parents. and i agree with ariel, i would definitly suggest councelling x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2006): I had the same problem, i feel pg and i had just left my job , we had just moved into a small shared one bedroom place, we had no money, i didnt want to keep it and i went into major depression just thinking about how a baby would totally distroy my hole life, i told my bf i wanted an abortion and we both arranged it, he even drove me to the place to get it done, but afterwards he says he didnt want me to have an abortion and he says i never asked what he wanted, yet he agreed to get it done, if the abortion is done and the person not wanting it done then they can just use that against the person to make them feel lke a bad person in fights and stuff, you need to come to an agreement on what is going to happen, like if you do have the child just remember if they hear that one of there parents never wanted them in the first place, that could cause major problems for that child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): as someone who was persuaded into having a baby that i wasn't ready for. i would say it much better to wait until both people are ready. As having a baby is ment to be a happy time for all who are involved and you don't want it ruined by the unhappyness of the one who didn't want it. Plus once you have a baby you can never take it back. on the other hand you can alway try again.
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Hi There,
Here is my personal take on Abortion. I my personal philosophy, birth control and such is the man responsiblity. When a pregnancy happens, its because he did not do his job. That is why she gets to decide to have the child or not, becuase he had his chance to prevent it.
An abortion is a physical act that can have consequences and side effects. These may include her inability tog et preganat again. One person must never have the power to decide the actions on a body of another person, unless some sort of life threatening messure requires some power of attorney issue.
Now lets, say one person does not want to be involved with the child if it is born...I am torn about this. The BEST interest of the child is to be wanted by a parent. A forced parent may not be a loving parent. One parent of love is better than one parent of love and one parent of duty. If someone wants out, let them sign away their rights HOWEVER, if they ever change their minds and want contact, any contact, they must step up legally.
The last thing to consider is a paternaty test to ensure who the father is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006):
I think that the distinction will be between "want to keep and raise the baby" verses "doesnt want to keep and raise the baby".
The distinction between wanting an abortion to occur and wanting a birth and then "doesnt want to keep and raise the baby" seems kind of small. Like if there is an adoption and you never see the kid again, it seems like a small difference after the first year or so. Unless the process of giving birth would cause irrepairable harm to the mother, that shouldn't be an issue after while. It might be painful and uncomfortable, but it is doable.
Ok, my view is that the kid should be born but should it be kept and raised or given to another family to raise?
I doubt that a couple could raise a child without both parents being involved. You do have to give up a lot of freedom and mobility to have a child in your life. So if really an agreement can not be arrived at between the couple then some form of adoption will need to be arranged. Or they could agree to some form of seperation.
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reader, Astrid  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 I would say it is the woman's choice as it is her body but if the dad reakky wants the baby he can try to convince her that he will take care of the baby finantially and personally even if they broke up, I suppose they could even sign a conttract about it. Anyway if it is the lady who wants to have the baby she should have it straight ahead as a baby is more important than any relationship though the goos it can have been before, I am death against aboirtion but for the mother's health being at risk or sexual abuse as psychologically a woman couldn't be possibly storng enough to bear in in most cases.
My advice is try to convince the other to have the baby or to promise to take care or him/her on his/her own if this soesn't work please break up
good luck
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reader, Fernikle +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Oh Sweetheart, what a terrible position to be in. Your answers lie before you, and they are moral, yes, and emotional.
A lot of talking and a lot of strength is needed to be able to face this predicament.
Your recent replies, as I read them, are directed from the view of the female being the one who is yearning for the baby. I would like to tempt the fates and reverse the viewpoint.
This embryo-foetus-baby (don't know how far gone) has been created by 2 and there should be an equal right to the decision. This is hard as the woman does have the body image change and the health issues to contend with, but the man has the feelings of helplessness in the situation.
Talking between each other, and contemplating would the man be prepared to bring-up baby, whilst the woman continues with her career and to be the main income provider could be a remedy to answering the issue. People could also be surprised at how the womans views would change toward the infant after going through the emotions of pregnancy and birth.
If there are serious health concerns about anyone involved be it either parent or the baby, then more concideration must be given.
Either option is going to be a tremendous strain on your relationship, and I encourage you both to keep talking. Write a letter if you cannot talk face-to-face, but be totally and utterly honest with each other about how you feel.
I sincerely wish you the very best of luck with whatever way you decide. Ultimately though, be FORGIVING to each other. We are only human with human emotions after all, and that means we are weak.
God bless you and guide you
Mwah X
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Here's an option, go ahead and have the baby and hope the partner comes around and loves it after all. It has happened before and may happen again. Also just hope the one parent can raise the child as a single parent because that may happen also.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Ariel and Dr Pete. Thank you for your answers. You're right, I guess there are no real "right" answers, I just feel like I need to hear some input from people, you know? Dr Pete - you made some really good points when you broke it down. Ariel, maybe you're right about the counseling. Honestly I don't know what I'm looking for. I just needed to ask someone something about this.
***I would also like to ask people not to rate others on this thread because it does have a lot to do with personal choices. Please just give me YOUR opinions and don't knock anyone else. That's not what I wanted - a thread of arguments. I just need to see some "options" (or whatever you want to call it) from people.***
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reader, Lemonpixie +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Well why did this couple get together in the first place? However it really in the end is up to the woman. It's her body, the man isn't going to have to carry around a human for 9 months. And really most babies end up being primarily the mothers responsibility, however I feel this couple should have talked through things about children and other important life decisions before they said their "I do's" If it's the woman she has to weigh out whether or not having a baby is worth possibly destroying a marriage. Either way, I think they should both consider therapy, or finding someone else who has the same goals in life. But with no outside issues such as poor finance being a problem the couple should truly think things through before any rash decision is made.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): There are no straight answers to a question like this.
This is a question of morality and ethics.
All you will find are peoples personals opinions. My reply to your questions would be:
1) If one person wants an abortion and the other doesn't, it's ultimately the womens choice. It's the womens choice because it's her body.
2) Difficult one that; how do you mean; responsible? financially responsible? or responsible for being his father? A man, hypothetically speaking, if he was with a women who wanted to have a baby, but whome he himself did not, then he would only be financially responsible. Not out of choice, but because that is the law.
Myself, personally, though; I couldn't even imagine knowing I had a child in the world without being its dad. But, that is just me.
If a man does not want to be a dad, he only has a legal obligation to the child. I do though think, any truely honest, responsible and caring man would feel morally obligated to the child to be its dad too.
3) The person who always wanted a baby; the women? She has a difficult choice to make. However, if I were a women, and my married partner was telling me to abort my chance of having a child, knowing I always wanted one, I would be very doubtful about his feelings towards me.
Also, a note to mention, statistically, relationships are very likely to fail if there has been an abortion or miscarriage, it's very, very, difficult for a relationship to survive through such loss.
A women who chooses to abort because that is the view of the man should be very, very conscious of this fact; that the relationship could end any way. No baby, and then no partner.
Your question isn't flat, or hollow. But be prepared for a lot of personal opinion.
A women in this situation can listen to a thousand peoples views, but ultimately she is the one who will have to make that choice, and she is the one who will have to live with it. She should listen to close friends, family, loved ones, but ultimately she must choose what she feels is right for herself and not anyone else.
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