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anonymous
writes:I need a litle help... this is a complex story and my head heart and body mind all torn!Well, I met my boyfriend november 2009 we were so happy both dairy farmers and so much in common going everywher together, now I had personal problems at home with money and he knew this from day one as was always very supportive, anyway as time went by my problems got worse and to make a short story short bank went for repossession on my family, now when this happened i fought hard to save it but didnt work.At farm auction he never came to be by my side dispite knowing how upset id be and how much i loved my place no sign. it sold under hammer broke my heart and to be fair he came that night but kept telling me to stop crying sick of me and big baby etc not nice is it eh?Then I had a business man approach me to offer help, offer to do a share business with me offer me a lifeline rly to start again rgt!My ex hated this started accusing me of sleeping with him and all sorts of crap which to this day is all untrue.now this guy asked me for interest sake to go view new farms to start business on even though i wanted to stay in local area and start again, i didnt tell boyfriend was going to look place 100 miles away he found out by accident and went mad said i hated him and i was a big sh*t and all words under sun. I said only looking and even if had to move away i would come down every weekend as needed work and business to have money and I loved him so much id be willing to make go of it and try after ive had such public humiliation from whole sitation in my life.He turned round saying evrryone says i deserved what i got and noone feels sorry for us, hurtful horrible thing to say and he couldnt stick me anymore and dumped me right at the time i needed him.Anyway since june 3rd i been alone heard very little from him except him expected me to run after him and apologise and move to his farm, (very dirty filthy house, but lets not getinto that, but ud understand why cudnt live there and with his parents), anyway short story short im the shit in his mind for wanting to rebuild my life in my own identitiy in case anything went wrong i have my own life rgt?Anyway a month ago I start seeing a lovely guy whos kind, treated me lovely, takes me out, never makes me pay, looks after me and genuinely lovely. But stupid me I go thinking about my ex, get in touch with him and see him, he kisses me says he loves me but he been seeing someone else a month too.I dont know what to do, is he one for me ? because still keeps saying i must give up my business opportunity and get job and live alone in flat down road for when he feels like seeing me. Still says im a big shit although he saw someone first. I though he didnt want me like he said and hated me.What should i do? Am i the big sh*t for wanting to rebuild my life ? or am i justified? Is he right or am i wrong ? Does he just sound wrong for me full stop? please help i keep crying mind so messed :'(
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI won't lie I'm still very hurt by my ex and feel the ejection of it all daily but my partner is so special and thinks the world if me, but I think once again I have a controlling man but this time he wants to help me reach my dreams not drown them xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I'm not going to meet him x
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Let me give you this word of warning - if you meet with your ex, regardless of whether or not it is just 'talking', you will ruin your relationship with your new guy and pretty much put the nail in the coffin there and then. You will ruin the trust so early on in the relationship that you will never be able to recover.
Imagine this scenario - you meet your ex, he feeds you a line that he is going to change and you can still have all of your dreams and you believe him, you decide to take him back. So then where does the poor old new guy stand? You would have to admit that you have met your ex, and then break his heart by breaking up with him and going back to your ex.
You have to make a choice now, you cant have both men I'm afraid. If you want things to work with the new guy then DO NOT meet with your ex. EVER AGAIN. Simply say to your friend that you appreicate they have been trying to help but it is over and you want nothing more to do with your ex.
Alternatively if you cannot stop yourself from meeting your ex, you cannot lie to your new guy and go behind his back so you would have to come clean that you are hoping to give things another go with your ex. Yes it would break his heart, but if he is a good guy he doesnt deserve to be messed around and for you to play games with him. He is not the reserve option, either you want him or you dont. If you want to see what your ex has to say, well you have to let go of the new guy so he can be with a woman who wants him 100%.
You deserve more than your ex, but your new guy deserves more than a woman who would go behind his back and meet her ex. Imagine if you found out that your new guy was meeting up with his ex girlfriend, how hurt would you feel? You would feel betrayed, lied to and the trust would be gone. Dont make that mistake - be sensible here and make a choice.
If you are foolish enough to meet your ex (who will NEVER change, I can promise you that much) then you have to accept that you are still so hung up on your ex that you cannot truly give yourself to your new man. But I do hope that you are not going to be so stupid to think you should give your ex another chance, cut him off once and for all and move on with your new guy. Your futute lies with the new guy, not your ex. Re-hashing the past and re-opening old wounds wont help you, let him go otherwise you will lose your new man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the original poster,
Since I wrote this he has got my best friend involved in the situation trying to get her to act as a go between saying wants to see me and talk.
No truth is he wants to get me to give up my dreams which would make me very unhappy.
I am willing to meet with him, but if he isnt willing to accept my life is going to change and I will have to go where business takes me then it is over.
It hurts alot but not as much as he has hurt me already, I do know deep down he wont change and wants everything his way.
Why did it all have to be this way!? :(
Anyway new guy is so kind and supportive i can never let on im talking to ex to him would break his heart. I do realy like him xx thanks guys x
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 September 2012):
Of course you shouldnt give up on the chance of having this farm, you need to follow your dreams and do what makes YOU happy, forget what he wants and put yoursef first for a change.
Many abusive, controlling men often put on an act at first to lure their partner into a false sense of security, he obviously knows every trick in the book. He lured you in, made you fall for him, and then once he knows you are hooked he changes into the real him - the abusive, nasty man. And because you are in so deep so dont attempt to get out, so you are stuck in the cycle with this awful, awful man.
You have a fantastic opportunity now to break free from your ex once and for all, you live a fair distance away and have a chance to get a farm and make a fresh start. Stop looking back, realise that your ex is simply not right for you and start looking to the future. Focus all of your energy on your farm and making a better life for yourself, dont waste any more time on your ex - he is not worth it.
You need to write him off and resign him to the past, once and for all otherwise you will always feel yourself being drawn back to him. You obviously loved him a lot and put a lot into the relationship, but he gave nothing back to you. And that in itself is weirdly addictive - because you have put so much effort in you are reluctant to let go because you dont want to accept that everything you have done with this man has been wasted on him. But you need to wake up and face the truth, he is controlling and abusive and you have been his victim. You can never be happy with this man, he is incapable of making any other human being happy, all he can ever think about is himself.
HE WILL NEVER MAKE YOU HAPPY. HE WILL NEVER BE THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE.
Keep telling yourself those words every day, every time you think about him or think about talking to him again, remind him of how he has made you cry, how much he has hurt you and how you deserve so much better.
I understand that right now you have lots of questions and are struggling to let go, but as I have said before you really need to cut off all contact so you have no way of contacting him, and tell yourself repeatedly that it is over for good and you are never going back. You might not believe yourself at first, but if you tell yourself every day that you are never going back you will eventually believe what you are saying.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I am the poster of this, and I lived 60 miles away from my ex anyway and would drive several times a week a great cost to see him but still he says I never bothered with him and I didn't try. Why should it be me who has to give up on all my dreams for him? How can a guy go from being so loving and kind and turn into a bully that makes me cry everyday placing all blame on me? Am I right to think I shouldn't give up my farm chance as he may change mind and say don't want me again :(
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reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (6 September 2012):
 Your ex is an idiot. How could you still possibly entertain being with him? Forget him and move on with your life. If you don't love your new man, that doesn't mean going back to your ex, it just means you'll be single for a bit until you find someone you can love and who'll love you too.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 September 2012):
I think you know deep down that your ex is so wrong for you.
You have 2 choices her, the emotionally abusive, controlling and selfish ex boyfriend. Or the new man who treats you well and treats you how you should be treated. So what do you want from life? Do you want to be abused? Or do you want to be treated well? I think it is an easy decision really.
Let go of your ex. He is an asshole who only thinks about himself and has very little respect for you. He only wants you when it is convenient for him, and does not care about you or your feelings at all. All he cares about is having you close by so he can call on you when he feels like it - that is not a real relationship.
Any man that calls you a s**t is not a man you should waste a second of your time on, that is verbal abuse and should never be tolerated.
You deserve better than this, he is a bully and has brought you down over the years, that is why you are struggling to get over him because he has made you feel so low that you are questioning yourself. Stop doubting yourself, you have done everything right in this situation and all he has done is be nasty and selfish towards you. You can do a lot better than him, and you have been lucky to find a decent guy. Cut your ex out of your life once and for all, delete his number and make sure you have no way of contacting him ever again.
Focus on rebuilding your life and dont let this man control you anymore, he is an awful human being and he couldnt be more wrong for you if he tried.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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