A
female
age
30-35,
*vol Angel
writes:My fiance and I are now planning our wedding... things are still tense between me and his father but a new issue has come up and that is the family fued...My fiance is the youngest of 4 children and recently his parents got divorced. There are restraining orders and such against my fiance's father and it's making things difficult. I want ALL the family there at the wedding... but if the restraining orders are still in effect it makes things difficult. if my fiance's father is there... his aunt and brother cant be... and then there is the fact that my fiances mom is with a new guy... and my fiances father hated him. my fiance's father has stated that that he will get along with everybody except the new bf, and that he can't be there. Well now my fiance's mom is saying if she can't bring her bf she wont be there. I feel like I'm in the middle trying to please everybody... and it just isn't working.is one night of everybody tolerating each other too much for me to ask??????
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 November 2009):
 E. Angel,
Good solid advice here about making fiance deal with this. It is a bad sign that ultimatums are being thrown around so early in the game. Who knows what the situation will be when the church bells ring. Until then threatening you in order to blackmail others is unfair and childish. Now having said that. . . When I got married it was a very small church ceremony. My parents, 2 of my 3 surviving grandparents and my best friend and his wife were there for the ceremony. This was mostly to not overwhelm my wife who was unable to have family there. We had a party after and some of her siblings came. That is an extreme case. I have paid the price over the years for not inviting my aunts and uncles. I don't regret it, The wedding is ultimately the brides party and she gets what she wants. I certainly wouldn't sacrifice the marriage for the sake of the wedding.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): For some families, one night of tolerating each other is infinitely too much to ask.
I had to deal with similar issues, although not to the degree you're facing. I was going to invite my step-mother, and my mother had reconciled herself to it (they'd never met, and the divorce was a huge blow to my mother); I was pleased when my step-mother excused herself, saying it was a day where my mother didn't need her being there as a distraction.
My brother had removed himself from the family, a source of intense pain for my mother. I chose not to invite him. That was a mistake -- if there had ever been a chance for reconciliation, that probably took it away.
So yes, it's up to your husband to navigate the minefield. The "Dear Abby" answer is probably to invite everyone, and let them sort it out amongst themselves. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised by the sort of of classy behaviour I was blessed with from my step-mother.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Mettle? (I'm too lazy to look it up. ;D)
I'd probably lay it on them. Assuming the restraining order expires or is lifted, and everyone can be in the presence of everyone else, then they get to decide that they get along with everyone else, or they are not invited to the wedding.
Either they behave like grown ups, who are more concerned for the happiness of their child for 2 hours, or they are excused from attending the wedding.
Worth a try.
You could try bringing in a mediator to negotiate the whole thing. But I tend to agree that it is down to your husband to tackle. This shouldn't be all your problem.
Good luck. And congratulations!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 November 2009):
 must be thinking of Pink Floyd...that's metal
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 November 2009):
Yep it's time to test your soon-to-be husband's meddle. Let him decide who comes and who goes.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 November 2009):
You need to speak to your fiance about this. His family are his problem, and he needs to at least be discussing this with you. I'm afraid weddings can be very tense affairs, as you are finding. But you don't need to take all this on yourself. This is a sistuation where someone is going to be unhappy. So you and your fiance need to sit down and discuss who he wants there. If worst comes to the worst, don't invite either parent.
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