A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:On Christmas I went way overboard and bought my boyfriend a very expensive gift. A bit over $300.I know. But I'm young and stupid and I guess it's one of those mistakes that when I'm older I'll look back and tell myself "well, that was ridiculous", specially because by Christmas we had been together for 5 months.Anyways, things are rough. Pretty rough actually.Although I love him very much, I suspect he has been lying to me and doing very wrong things and I think we'll eventually break up, probably within the next months. I guess a part of me knows I deserve better, but there's this other part that can't let go of the company and the loving memories. My heart is already broken, but I'm trying to deal with this the best I can and I'm trying to focus on the fact that I'm very young and have a whole life in front of me.I've always "lent" him lots of money (that he never payed back per se, though he bought me a couple sdomewhat expensive presents). Now, I don't want to look greedy, but if we do break up, should I ask for the gift back?Also, for a reason I'm not going to discuss here, my parents are trying to get a hold of my bank extract, and I know they'll eventually get it (they will, no bother saying they can't). They will see how much I've spent and.. I don't know how they'll react, specially because they absolutely hate my boyfriend. How will I ever deal with that?I'm scared. I feel alone in this and know in a couple months (maybe sooner) I'll be officially alone and feel miserable, on top of having my family hating me.
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male
reader, Fionnlagh  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 I think the answer is unanimous.A clean break means you cut your losses and move on, otherwise live with the baggage of a bad decision weighing heavy on your mind for the rest of your relationship days. Never ask for a gift back. Gifts signify your feelings at the time when you gave it and shouldn't be seen as something you can retract whenever you feel like it. Important experiences come with important lessons.Your relationship surely meant something dear at some point in time? Don't let this be about money.Be brave and handle what wisdom your parents have to impart to you on your spending.A scary notion, but you may be surprised by what they have to say to you, their daughter.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Agreed that a gift is a gift given with no strings attached and no expectation of return (as Sageoldguy said an engagement ring is the only gift that is returned upon the breaking of an engagement).
I know you are afraid of ending the relationship for various reasons but the anticipation is actually making it worse for you.
I also think that the best thing to do, if your parents are “attempting” to find out your private business, is to come clean with them and “take your punishment” as it were. Yes they will be sad and frustrated but they will not hate you and they will not ALWAYS be upset. At first they will be so it’s better for you to control the situation and face it head on rather than get blindsided by them when they find out. Besides you said you know it’s coming and again the anticipation is probably way worse than the reality is going to be.
The truth is new experiences are always scary and you are entering uncharted waters for you. Breaking up with a boyfriend is never fun but it’s one of those things you will have to do. Being confronted by disappointed parents is never fun but again if you are so sure they will find out, then I think it’s much better for you to go on the offensive and tell them right now and be adult enough to admit your mistake and learn from it In fact, going to your parents with the whole… “well this relationship has been quite a learning and growth experience for me and while I have done things I am not happy about, that is the past, and I plan to use the newfound knowledge to improve on my choices and interpersonal relationships” may help them realize you know you made a mistake. Parents want their kids to be healthy, happy and whole. We do not like punishing them or making them feel bad. If my adult child came to me like this I would be more inclined to help them and support them than yell at them. Hopefully your parents are that mature as well.
You are NOT alone. AND if you are proactive you will not be alone with angry parents and you won’t be miserable. Taking charge of your life and owning your mistakes is very empowering.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 April 2013):
 No, you can't ASK for a gift back. The whole IDEA of a gift is that is is GIVEN not LEND.
So you need to SUCK it up when it comes to your parents. Learn from this and don't give EXPENSIVE gifts til you are heading for a long term relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): You never ask for gifts back. There are no guarantees in relationships or life. If he borrowed money, that he should pay back to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Your family will never hate you. They may be disappointed in you and they may dislike your boyfriend. They saw everything wrong with him from the very start. You couldn't wait to prove them wrong. Well, you have a big "I told you so" waiting for you.
NO, you don't take back "gifts." Google the definition. If you take it back it had strings attached. You had an ulterior motive behind the giving; or you were just trying to impress him knowing you were over-spending. Truth is, the money spent on that gift was not intended for splurging.
Well, you really don't need any advice from us. Your parents are about to lay down the law.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 April 2013):
 NO, NO, NO .... you DON'T ask for the return of gifts...
A lady is supposed to offer to return the engagement ring, IF she calls off an engagement.... BUT all other gifts, given in good faith.... remain "gifts" and not subject to return......
Good luck...
P.S. IF he offers to return a gift that seems to be out-of-proportion to the relationship... THEN, take the darn thing back, and count your (financial) blessings....!!!!!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 April 2013):
Why are you prolonging the inevitable? Break up with him, forget about the present, and move on.
Dealing with your parents I can't help you with. Just learn a lesson. Don't spend money when you're not making it or you'll be forever broke.
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