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male
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anonymous
writes: I am really struggling for some answers on how to deal with my situation. My wife and I are struggling with a certain issue which on this subject has really driven a spike between us. My wife's parents regularly come to visit at least twice a year from out of state and stay for periods of time in my home of up to a month. I feel like my home is completely taken over during these times. As well as I feel they try to influence my wife with false sayings on issues as if they know everything. As a result my relationship with her parents is scared. I am very shy and have a tendency to lay back and just get 'rolled' over. When I bring the subject up to my wife it is very difficult. She gets very upset and doesn't think I should be feeling the way I do. Am I feeling the right things as far as feeling like my own home and relationship is being takin' over and influenced during these times?Am I crazy for feeling this way?Please help me with dealing with this situation please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): No, you are not crazy. Who wants to be treated like a doormat in their own home? This is an issue of integrity and respect. Your home is sacred to you and should never feel-shut out of it. But firstly, your marriage takes high priority here....always. Sadly, in-laws problems can make or break a marriage. Your wife is caught in the middle but she needs to re-commit to pulling this marriage with you, back together. The critical first stage is making your wife understand that her parents are right in the middle this marriage and it's sinking fast. Marriage means being a strong, unified team. She seems to be showing signs of being overly dependent on her parents. This behaviour is profoundly undermining the solidarity, intimacy and cooperative work needed by a husband and wife to sustain healthy marriage. Because of this, your in-laws are in the middle of your marriage. It's up to your wife to get her parents to tow the line and respect your home and you..while they are there. She needs to talk to them and resolve this. It can be done lovingly and discreetly, but 'she' has to do it, not you. But, before that can occur, you need to sit with your wife and set some boundries on what you will and will not tolerate from her parents, but be prepared to come to her aid, if your parents ever make life hard for her. Be honest, be truthful and tell her your heartfelt feelings.. that you feel shut out from her at these times and her parent's disrespect for you, in your home, is tough to withstand.
It sounds like you have already decided to just nicely detach yourself from them, whenever they are visiting. Hopefully, you are behaving politely and not reacting to any of their inappropriateness. Right now, the primary focus is your wife. And having her understand how you feel. If need be..you may need some intervention to get her to that point. Marriage counselors can and will do wonders...so consider seeking help if you are unable to resolve this on your own. Good luck
A
reader, Your big sis +, writes (27 January 2006):
 Try this: Ask your parents to stay a spell and take your parents side in the same situations you had with your in-laws. Your wife won't give in until she's in your shoes. It seems harsh, but maybe she'll see that it's not normal to have 2 months out of each year being a guest in your own home. Maybe they should make the mortgage payment those two months then you'd be happy to be the guest. Best to you.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Dearie, i think u should let u wife know that the situation is really bothering u. She obviously feels that u dont want her parents in your home. You have to make her see the other issues u dont like and put your foot down. Make her realise that it is a bigger issue to u than she imagines.
I really dont think u run away from ur home becos of this. if u still love ur wife then u have to struggle to get her on ur side.
If she still wont listen then maybe u should get her brother or someone u are close to in her family to talk to the parents discretely or u can talk them directly.
Goodluck dear
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): run as fast as u can and never look back..it's ur wifes job to control them and if she hasn't already she never will..find someone new thats so not so controlable by her parents
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (2 January 2006):
 At some point in your life you need to make a choice. You can have people trample all over you and get sad and frustrated about it. Or you can be a man, and take control of the situation, and put your foot down. Sure there are risks, and dangers, and potential troubles to this approach. But you will take control of your destiny.
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A
male
reader, devilz_162 +, writes (2 January 2006):
i sympathise with you.. certain parents or in-laws are very frustrating to be around. however, u should be happy if your wife loves you and vice versa as it is her you married and not her parents..
there are three things you can do..
first, theres the option of talking to your wife.. and make her see and understand the situation.. you should try to talk to her first.. and ask her nicely to maybe talk to her parents.. if she loves you, i am sure she is willing to talk to her parents.
second, theres always the option of just letting things be.. and getting used to it. 2 months in a year is long and it can be hard.. so i do not believe that this will be your choice.
if your wife doesnt want to talk to her parents about the situation, then theres one last thing u can do.. why not talk to her parents yourself.. you dont have to talk to both. just the one you think you are more comfortable with.. talk nicely and i am sure they, having accepted you into their family will be willing to listen and atleast be a bit more tolerable..
i am sure they are not trying to talk your wife into believing false things bout you.. and i am sure if they are, your wife will not take much heed into their influence as she loves you..
you could also try to be more vocal and less shy.. this will show your in laws that you are the man of the house and that their wife is not marrying a push over..
i hope i have shed some light into your situation..
Happy New Year!!
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