A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were planning a trip to a large city for New Years. Originally, we were going to take his daughter to a special destination (to delight her) but she's not coming (another story). So, we then said we'd just go ourselves but then he heard his grandparents were coming out to surprise the family that week and told me he was going to spend New Years with them. We didn't get into a fight about it but we did discuss it.He spent Thanksgiving with his family. He was spending Christmas Eve and Day with his family. He probably will not be in town for his birthday now as he may have a gig in another city (he's a musician) and has family there he wants to visit.He will also be out of town for my bday as he's going with his family to the inauguration. He's with his family A LOT which I understand. I have never given him a hard time about it and even compromised telling him if he wanted to spend NYE with his family, I'd be happy going along. I don't care what we do but I wanted 1 special day that we are together. I don't think I'm asking too much. Well.......now he tells me he's got a gig on NYE at his church. He said he completely forgot our previous conversation. He said they offered him a lot of $ for that night and he said yes without even thinking about it.Now, because he didn't think, it looks like I'm spending NYE alone as all my friends either have dates or tickets to a sold out event. I know it wasn't intentional and he really just didn't think but I am hurt and I am a bit upset. I'm trying to be understanding after all, it's his music career and I've always said I'll support him and his career 100%. I meant it too but on the other hand, he did not have to accept this gig, especially after I told him how important it was to me that we have 1 special day during the holiday/our birthdays season. . He's told me he'll see what he can work out but I'm afraid it's too late. He's already accepted the gig and I doubt he can back out now. I love this man, I really do and i want to support him but I've also got to draw the line somewhere and make sure my needs are being met from time to time. I do not want to spend my life with someone who never makes me his first priority. I don't need to be first always but once in awhile and when something is really important to me, even if it seems silly to him, I need to know he'll step up. Any solutions to our problem? Suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the suggestion. I do need to learn to put my foot down more often but really, there's very few things that bother me. I didn't give him 5 options. He already had plans for everything else except NYE which is why I told him that was our night. He was unsure because his grandparents were going to be here but I told him that he needed to figure out a way to make it work even if it meant we spent the evening with his family. It didn't matter to me if we were alone, with friends, or his family as long as we were together and I left the details up to him to decide. This was BEFORE the gig came up. When the gig came up, everything went out the window. I guess his family is going to go to his gig now but it's no use in me going because he'll be busy playing the drums and not spending time with me which was the whole point.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (26 December 2012):
 Maybe you should put your foot down on an event that doesn't cost him money he planned to earn. I'm thinking the inauguration is the least important and least family-oriented event he has planned to attend. In the future, be sure to carve out non-negotiable days where he knows it's 100% unacceptable he's not going to be there for you..like your birthday. I think the problem is the vagueness of the request that you'd hope to be fit in somewhere between NYE/xmas/eve/birthdays. That's 5 separate days/events, that he separately figured out on his own. He needs more concrete boundaries to know which days are absolutely unacceptable no-no's no matter the money. in the future, ie. not around holidays, you can say that mondays are Always Always Always datenights, never gig nights. Something like that where it's clear when you can and can't see each other. You can work through this, I don't think it was his not considering you as much as getting caught up in obligations and you falling to the wayside because expectations weren't made as clearcut as they could have. make it a resolution for next year to make them more strict/clear so he knows what's expected of him :)
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