A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would consider myself to be a social outcast. I have a very few select number of friends, people reject me and I'm just not all that popular. I'm not part of the clique at work, and recently missed out on a promotion because of this. The girl that did get the job is loud, obnoxious, rude "in your face" but part of the clique. I'm not loud enough, rude enough or obnoxious enough to be cool. I'm always the person to make the person left out feel welcome, and I never bitch about people behind their back. Never. Yet, I'm the reject.The girl that got promoted is constantly bitching about people. No reservations in her topics Iof discussion. But she's friendly with management. Also...What's your opinion on what's more important? What predicament would you rather be in?- single. Earning $10k more than your previous job. Popular.- loved unconditionally by a wonderful man, who earns $20k more than you. You are building a house together.What's more important? Preferable?
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't mention that I used to be a lot more sociable. But it drew the wrong kind of attention to myself. Just over a year ago, I got badly stabbed in the back by someone I thought was my friend. She went to management and said I asked her to lie for me (to cover a mistake). I would NEVER do that. Since then, I made the decision to step back and do my job. Don't get me wrong, I do socialise, get to know people... But people (some) mostly dismiss my comments.
I've noticed a trend though. The people who are nasty to me (purposely leave me out) tend to be a bit bigger in size than I am (I am a size 1). I am called pretty. They aren't. The only thing I can think of is they may be jealous?
A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (29 November 2011):
There is no better feeling than being loved by someone you love. I would rather live in poverty than be powerful and go home and have no one and nothing to think about but who you can be a bitch to at work tomorrow.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): I think a lot of people have both. You can have both a good career and a good man and friends. It should not be an either or dilemma.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2011):
 I vote for the man who loves me.
I'm 51 and have a good secure job and make good money...
I'm with a partner who is younger than I am (by 13 years) who makes about 25k LESS than I make... and we both have lousy social skills and FEW friends... but together we laugh and love and build a life together... it has it's bumps and ups and downs but I'd rather bump along with him than have a life totally devoted to a career that will one day end...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): If getting the job meant mixing and socialising with management and colleagues then that was why the other got the job. She 'fits in' shes somebody they feel comfortable with. You on the other hand are reserved compared to her - you can be brilliant at your job but you also have to play the game, or get left behind,left out.
As for the question, being loved unconditionally is probably what 99.9% of humans strive for in life -eventually. Hence these problem pages and sites, people who want to sort their relationships, find mr/miss right etc. If you have a career as well as the perfect man, you've got your life sorted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Unconditional love every time with a loyal reliable loving man. wins hands down.
Have you considered that the workplace you are in is Toxic?
When dodgy ill-informed management are so horrible that they recognise themselves in a new recruit and so promote her into a higher level job over a nice person like yourself. That is the time to start looking for another job. You can bet that Ms Bitchy envies you and all that you have.
And when you are with a loyal reliable good man your face will become more and more relaxed and at peace.'
While Ms Misery at work will not be happy until everyone else is as unhappy as she is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): Put "woman" in the place of "man" and I'd choose the second every time except I don't have to choose because I just do both.
I used to be like you OP and was perfectly happy keeping my nose out of office politics and cliques but I quickly learned that you get nowhere then and are just treated like another part of the furniture. That's fine if things are good and you have no ambition, but it leaves you in a precarious position if times are bad because while you may be the best at your specific job in a choice between you or their "friend" who's shared time, thoughts and themselves with them then who do you think is going to win?
Who would a boss trust more, a person they socialize with and hence have gotten to know and bond with? Or the friendly drone who doesn't really take the time to connect with them?
It's simple group psychology OP. Your behaviour is that of a follower and the bitchy backstabber has the traits of the leader even if that leadership is despotic.
Forgive me OP but when you say you're not rude and obnoxious enough to be cool, you sound just a tad bitter. You sound like one of those guys who always complains that women only like assholes yet never actually engages in trying to woo them, the guy who refuses to play the game, become more dominant and participate in the hunt. You know the type of guy I mean? The guy who thinks he's just so lovely that women should want him instead of the guy who takes the time to hunt. Like that guy OP you can be an outside observer, complaining and slightly bitter that stuff doesn't magically happen for you or you can actually take part. For that kind of guy the answer is easy isn't it? Of course women don't prefer assholes they just want to be fought for, seduced, wooed and feel desired by a guy who has that spark and fight in him.
You can be both OP, you can be a person understands work isn't just about the practical application of your skills to produce a product or perform a task. It's also about being part of the "family" becoming someone the bosses know they can rely upon not only to do their job but someone who can be relied upon on a personal level.
It all made sense to me in my 20's I worked in 2 different supermarkets, the first I kept myself to myself and never really got in with the in-crowd and I was left out in the cold and became a target for the bitches and assholes of the main clique, I never got anywhere there and people talked behind my back without me ever taking the time to show they were wrong. I didn't last two long in that job for that reason.
The second time I got to know my managers, invited them out for drinks to watch sports events and became friendly with them outside of work, did little favours, babysat etc. and generally made the effort and was given a lot more responsibility and was made a supervisor after just a year.
If you don't want to play the game then fine, just understand you have to be in it to win it. The bitchy backstabber didn't get the promotion because she's a loud bitch, she got it because she ran the race, you didn't even bother. The thing is if you are more reliable and better than her then it is your employers who lose out on a better worker. So in that sense it's almost your duty to step up.
OP being part of the clique doesn't mean you have to be a bitchy backstabber, all it means is you have to get to know those people. That girl who got promoted may have a lot of bad things going on in her life, there may be reasons she's like this, or maybe this is just how she plays the game and outside work she's completely different and very nice.
If you're not going to play the game OP then don't complain if you don't win.
There's nothing wrong with being the way you are and if you like the status quo then you're fine. But if you want more out of this job if you want to go places then you have to get in the game because only players succeed.
...............................
A
female
reader, delightful84  +, writes (29 November 2011):
To love and be loved by someone special is priceless.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 November 2011):
 For me it would be the second option hands down.
...............................
|
