A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I'm a single guy. And I was told that I'm having an affair with a married woman. It's not what you think were NOT sleeping together. We dated when we were younger, we lost contact after high school and have reunited about a year ago. A female friend of mine informed me that I'm having a "EMOTIONAL AFFAIR" with her. What is that? I mean we talk and text everyday. Is it because she cries on my shoulder and I listen? And yeah I give her compliments mostly because she needs confidence. Is this wrong? Mind you she did send me some pics that could have been looked at as racy but it always had a funny message so I chalked it up to her needing a boost. So am I having this "EMOTIONAL AFFAIR"?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): Yes you are having an emotional affair. Basically, does her husband listen in on your conversations and not mind? If you would be uncomfortable with her husband being there in the room while you're talking with her, or if you would not want him to see all the texts and emails between you, then yes it is an emotional affair. Basically an emotional affair means that you and her have emotional intimacy - sharing your thoughts and feelings for example - which surpasses the emotional intimacy between her and her spouse.
it's also very telling that she leans on you for emotional support and when she needs a boost. This is what a SPOUSE is for, if one has a spouse. If she were single then no problem with you fulfilling this role for her. But since she is married, her husband should be the one fulfilling this for her. And if he's not (I don't know how good their relationship is), it's inappropriate for her to be getting this from outside the marriage. if the marriage is so barren it's more honorable to get divorced than to stay married but be having emotional affairs to fill in the gaps.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2012):
 Very much an emotional affair.
YouWish has great points.
and the racy pictures even with funny captions... not what friends do.
do you see her hubby? does he know about you? NO? AFFAIR.
her dirty little secret...
folks think that a physical affair hurts worse but I gotta tell you, I would rather my hubby do a "one and done" with someone than carry on day after day with another woman.
and if she was your wife or gf would you want her having the kind of relationship she's having with you with another man?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 December 2012):
 YouWish pretty much nailed it.
If either of you still have feelings for each other you two are NOT friends.
And her sending "dirty pics" that is NOT what friends do - if she needs a "pick me up" she should SEND those to her husband not her "friend".
I HAVE male friends and I do not discuss my marriage or send them vagina short to boost my "morale". I don't FISH for compliments, I don't CRY on their shoulder. We talk, we laugh, we are FRIENDS.
Consider this. The make this hypothetical. IF she was YOUR wife and she was having THESE conversations with another dude, would you think that was OK? Really?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2012):
 Let me give you the "emotional affair" questionairre quiz:
1. Do you still have feelings for her?
2. Has she been confiding in you any of the troubles in her marriage?
3. Would you feel uncomfortable if her husband saw any of the things she texted you or sent you?
4. Would you feel uncomfortable if her husband saw any of the things you texted or sent or said to her?
5. Does she ever tell you things that she's prefaced with "I haven't even told my husband this..."
6. Have you ever met with her without her husband's knowledge? Meaning, has she ever hidden meetings or contact with you from him?
7. Does her husband know that you and she used to date when you were in high school?
8. Would you give her the same compliments that you've given her in front of her husband? Meaning, if the three of you were in a room, would you compliment her in the same way in his presence?
If you said YES to any of these, you are in an emotional affair. Just the fact that you two used to date and used to have feelings for each other should disqualify her from allowing you to be close to her as a married woman. It is disloyal to her marriage and erodes trust. You should do well to remember this fact, that it could be you that she is seeing someone else behind your back.
You need to back away from this, because it doesn't go to a good place for you. If you still have feelings for her, it is going to get messy, and you do NOT have a platonic friendship with her, bur rather an illicit clandestine emotional affair that will most likely end up as a physical one.
You should back away from the fire. I would be a worthless aunt if I told you to do anything less.
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