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What wrong..he can't get erect to satisfy me? Is it me or all this porn he watched?

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2006) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 August 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Hi there, I have just started seeing someone who i really like. Last weekend we had sex for the first time at his place, it was great, although he didn't cum. We then drove back to mine, and altough we were really "into it", he wasn't errect. The same thing happened the next morning... I asked him why and he said it was probably becuase he was tired. Is this normal? I thought all blokes got "the horn" when they woke up in the morning? He is pretty small, and seems to not hold the errection for long when we have "fooled around" before. The other day, he couldn't get it in, and i'm thinking this was because he wasn't hard enough. We were cool with it though and he made a joke and said he was loosing his errectness, although we did get it in with my help. Becuase he said it has not happened before - I am wondering now - is this my fault? I don't want to make a big thing of it with him as I know this could lead to more problems with the errection thing and he may not be able to get it up at all! Do I not turn him on enough?? Or does he just not fancy me that much? I am confussed. He seems very into sex and has lots of pictures of naked girls and porn.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006):

Yeah I agree with those others that say this is not a big issue.

Give it a little more time and I think everything will be fine. I highly doubt this has happened because he doesn't fancy you. Actually; he probably fancies you a lot - which is making him worse! You see, if a guy starts having thoughts like "I'm not going to be able to keep this erection" then it will cause him to loose it. It's weird really, it's a self-fulfilling prophesy, like panic attacks I suppose.

Relate this problem a women not being able to be wet enough for sex. Imagine how she feels; she blames herself, and the guy thinks she does fancy him.

If you wanted emotionless one night stand sex then this is not the guy for you. If you want a caring, considerate guy then you just need to reassure him a bit and before long he'll be performing.

Also I wouldn't automatically assume he has a small penis, if he is really nervous about all of this, there will be very, very little blood in his penis and it certainly wouldn't erect to it's full size. Again, that is probably something he is worried about and is making him worse!

Good luck!

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (23 August 2006):

Wendyg agony auntHey, I think this guy is plain old nervous!! And saying he feels tired is a way to say maybe leave it for now.. also he could genuinly feel tired or a bit run down as this will result in his performance being a little off par... He is into you if you guys are getting that intimate, just because the erection fades doesnt mean his longing for you has disappeared but slight apprehension instead. The more he gets used to it its likely to calm down, just be patient and dont make a big deal of it or hes likely to feel worse, if you try stuff and it happens to fade just move on to the next thing, ignore it and give him some time to get his nerves in check. As far as looking at porn and then not being to get hard around you goes, thats got nothing to do with it... well in my experience, a guy could look at porn all day long, and then if he wanted sex with the real thing later on, the erection isnt a problem, most woman tend to think that porn does make men less turned on by real women but half the time this isnt true. The reason he cant masturbate to porn and get hard when your not there is because hes got nothing to ahve to live up to!! its easy on your own with no one else to worry about! Maybe try and get your self involved with just masturbating him, get him to watch a porn film if thats your bag, and masturbate him while he watches it and see if you cant get him to feel more comfortable around you something like this, or just mastubate each other for a while until he gets used to you.. a new partner can reduce the performance somewhat. And the erection in the morning... Doesnt mean a guy is up for it straight off and is horny the second he gets up... Its because nine times out of ten he needs a wee!!! Morning glory.. men do tend to feel hornier in the mornings according to some studies, but there is many a time when my man has had to nip to the low in the early hours with a stiffy! tee hee... Erection does not always mean horny!

Relax with this new guy and take time to let him get to know you and guide him along the way, he is probably just very nervous!!

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (23 August 2006):

Yos agony auntChances are it was just performance anxiety and nerves. It can also happen due to drinking, stress, tiredness, any number of minor reasons. I wouldn't make it anything about you, and as Dreammaster said below it sounds like you reacted in exactly the right way. The best thing you can do is make him feel comfortable and attractive and be patient.

I wouldn't be overly concerned about the porn thing... he has been until very recently a single guy after all. However that sexual energy should get redirected towards you when you two are in a relationship. Porn can cause problems when men use it whilst avoiding havinging sex with their partner.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006):

excess porn use leads to many things (take it from me i lost my marriage over this an my 4 kids lost their dad)

1) The man begins to feel he is missing out on all these luscious willing young women who are out there just begging for sex

2) he begins to compare his partners body to those of the 'porn women ...and unless she is permanently airbrushed he begins to find her lacking in their beauty

3) he can eventually lose his erections due to the above 2 points....

Your decision.....men will continue to use this crap until women have some self esteem, stand up and say ENOUGH...we deserve more than men who use porn.

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A male reader, DreamMaster Ireland +, writes (22 August 2006):

DreamMaster agony auntHi,

I don’t like to comment on other people’s replies, but I just think that the anonymous reader below is giving a very dramatic answer to your question, totally disproportionate to the information you have given.

Probably most men look at naked pictures of women and / or porn at various degrees, this doesn’t desensitise any of us. What CAN do that, is if the person has HUGE VOLUMES of porn and masturbates furiously on a regular basis. It would be silly (I feel) to assume that this extreme case is what is going on here. It’s possible – but silly to assume it. I would change her “likely” to “highly Unlikely”.

I was going to give you the Male perspective but Camille has done a good job – it could be one of many things including Stress, the fact that it is a new couple and he might be nervous; particular if you say he is pretty small – he was probably wary of your reaction in some ways.

Tiredness DOES play a part. Women can have sex if they are practically unconscious, but males need to have a certain amount of alertness in their bodies, which tiredness can affect, so do allow for that.

I also want to congratulate you on your response – don’t make a big thing of it, and know that the problem will pass naturally after a few more attempts. If you started having a go at him over it, it will turn into a MASSIVE problem in his head and it will take a HUGE turnaround to fix it after that. Him joking about it is a natural response – you can take that as a hint that he wants both of you to play the significance of it down, but in his own head he is probably beating himself up enough without someone else doing it to him to.

Personally I think it is because it is a new relationship for him – he may be getting out of a long relationship OR he may have been single for a while, and having sex with someone new after that can be quite an event – and he may just have got stage fright. So it is NOT you. He just needs to get more comfortable with you as his girlfriend seeing him naked. This will all come with time.

So patience is the key, and you both will be rewarded.

I want to say that he is a lucky guy to have someone like you, if he was with the wrong type of person and that happened they could have REALLY destroyed him, so I want to THANK you on behalf of him for it. He will do the same when you get past this problem.

Good luck & let us know how it progresses!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006):

He may be very insecure about his size and this in turn is effecting his hardness.

I say tough it out.

I don't know what to say about him being tired...it may be true so still give it a go.

Have you thought to go to a local bookstore on your own to check out the books on errections/hardness and desire in a man? I am sure there is something there that can be of help.

I say talk to him, reassure him, tell him how much you adore him and are "into" him.

Time will tell.

Maybe when you feel more comfortable with him, address this concern.

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A female reader, camille United Kingdom +, writes (22 August 2006):

camille agony auntIt's a mistake to think it's because he doesn't fancy you so get that out of your head, and don't say that to him. This sounds like it's nerves and worry. It may be that it's never happened before or he may just not want to admit to it. You'll really need to take time with him, lots of foreplay and no rushing into it. Try to make the atmosphere as relaxed as possible. In fact, if you spend time enjoying each other without trying to have sex on a few occasions, he may well be, er, up for it, the next time you try. Maybe the porn is because he's trying to maintain an erection when you're not there with practise. It's good you're trying not to put too much focus on it, but the jokes and avoidance can't last forever, so if it continues and is a problem, take some time to talk through. Say that you're not worried etc but suggest he doesn't masturbate when he's alone as if he is getting hard and cumming without you, he can do that with you, he just needs to get over the mental issue he has about it. Also, look at whether there are outside issues that could be effecting performance.....alcohol, drugs, stress, work/money problems......

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006):

Just some thoughts to share and not sure if this will help you..but I hope it might make other people aware. I often wonder if a young man's ability to perform sexually with a woman, is due to over excessive porn viewing? They've been doing studies on it and I've read up on it because I used to date a fellow who had erectile dysfunction problems. He was young,athletic, healthy, robust in every aspect so it was hard for me to figure what the problem was. The first time, we attempted sex, he couldn't get it up. He was very, very distraught and embarrassed and wanted to 'do it' so badly. So I knew it wasn't me. He used the 'I'm tired' excuse, too. Previous to this fellow, all the relationships I had been in were intense-there was a lot of great, hot, sweaty sex, "especially" the first time. So I was surprised by this guy's inability to perform, too and quite puzzled.. I later found out this fellow was a sexual addict. So don't ever think it's you, dear. I bet my bottom dollar he knows what the problem is. The biggest sexual organ we have is our brain...I truely believe this. So when a guy views porn, he is becomes desensitized to real life human contact. and 'normal' sexual relations. He goes from being aroused mentally, by the sight of a woman's breast to needing increasingly more and more graphic pornography imagry for arousal. His mind blanks out to what, once would have shocked him. It's so sad because this is becoming epidemic among young healthy men. Now I am not sure if this is, in fact, your bf's problem. But it is likely. He could be a porn addict and the only way he'll ever have a 'normal' sexual relationship (if it's possible) is for him to seek some serious help from a clinical psychologist and he must stop his porn viewing. .

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