A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am middle aged and have been married for over 12 years.Both my husband and I are from diff countries and our cultures are different.I moved to Canada and married him, im from UK and hes from another countryThere have been times when his family and friends have treated me off and basically made me feel like crap.I was told that in his country ( Serbia) they usually marry their own and have heard time and time again it is hard for them to accept if one has married somebody from another country.It is true at times they have been hostile with me.I won't go into the details but there is one episode I would like to tell you about.First I am an introverted person who likes being alone, who doesn't enjoy socialising, my husband is extroverted and back home in his country, they love to socialize and spend hours at the others house.My husband has a very close female friend and it was her birthday , we were invited to her party and even though im introverted I went to her party to make an effort and show my husband I was willing to try.Before going I went to LCBO to take a gift and I chose a bottle of liquer from her country which I was sure she would appreciate.When we arrived at her house she had been drinking, was intoxicated ( no problem there, it was her birthday) she was sitting in her back yard with 10 others round a bench.I handed her the drink and she looked at in disgust, and said ewwwww I don't like this, its sweet and then threw it to the side into the grass.I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. my husband was standing close and saw this and never said a word.Her husband saw it too and looked disgusted as did the others at the table.The drink was over $20 . I know this is not about the price but I only work part time.Anyway I just wanted to leave and was almost crying but held it in, it was too far to walk home.After a while the group inc my husband went into her house to continue with the celebrations, her husband stayed in the garden, looked at me and said ' I am so sorry for this behaviour from her, he then walked over to where she had thrown the bottle , picked it up, dusted it, and then we went into the house but he looked very unhappy.The party continued and I just stayed and endured it.Next day her husband called us both and said sorry on her behalf, I thought she should have been the one to say that.This did happen 5 years ago.I am bringing it up now because in these last 5 years my husband has been trying relentlessly for me to become part of their life by visiting on birthdays and occasions.They are very close and go back a long way years ago. They have a history.I just don't enjoy being with her at her house or at my apartment and try to avoid.But I have to say on the few occasions I have visited she has always been respectful, makes me welcome and is nice to me, she welcomed my son in her home, cooked for him even though she hardly knew him.But even up to date that incident has left a bad taste in the mouth.Only today my husband said to put it behind now, don't dwell, move on, it happened a few years back, she was drunk. don't harbour resentment.But even today I am still hurt by that.Please people take a few steps back and imagine you going through that, tell me if you would forgive and forget and move on.What would you do in this scenario ?Thanks
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (24 June 2016):
 I'm with Cindy; she didn't apologise verbally, but she's more than made up for *one* immature, drunk attitude thing. Believe me; I know how hard it is to move on, but this really isn't that big of a deal because she's been polite, respectful and gone above what's required of her (like cooking for your son).
Being hurt by it still is okay, but you should forgive her and move on after 5 years with no other issue.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): Rude behaviour, yes. Worth holding a grudge over? No.
They are from a rather close culture in which marrying outside of that culture is rare. Some leeway has to be given as the two cultures clash.
It seems like they are making an effort. Do yourself a favour and let this slide.
Life is too short for grudges.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2016):
 Different perspective here.
I agree with your husband. Let it go. Move on.
Yes she was rude. She was DRUNK ! Yes , she still knew what she was doing, as another poster says. But the fact is, when people are drunk, they know they are doing wrong and they just don't CARE !
If this was her first and only offence , though , I'd cut her abundant slack.
You've got her husband's apologies TWICE .
True ,she did not apologize in person, maybe she felt too embarassed- but she apologized by her ACTIONS- by being nice, welcoming and respectful to someone who is clearly not enthusiastic about visiting her ( and trust me , your dislike does show at some level even if your manners are the most correct and unreproachable in the world ) and cooking for your son whom she did not even know.
I'd say , you've got your apologies in right proportion to the offence.
This does not mean that you have to be in each other pockets' with this woman, or become best friends.
If you don't enjoy socializing, and like your alone time, you can limit your interactions with this person(s) to that polite minimum that does not configure yet as hostility. You don't have to join every time that your husband goes to see them, you are allowed to have previous committments.
But, 5 years of holding on to a foot-in-mouth moment of a drunk woman ?... Life is too short !
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 June 2016):
 I understand your perspective. My sister-in-law once made a comment about something that I still cant get myself to ignore and I have clearly told my husband that I want nothing to do with her. Its not just that one comment, its a host of other things and the fact that I just cannot stand the sight of her... and my husband agrees. Thankfully she and her husband dont stay in my country so I dont have to see them often or even talk on the phone, which suits me just fine.
I know people say "forgive and forget" but in practice its often hard to. If you don't feel comfortable around this woman then tell your husband clearly that he is free to go and socialize with them but he should leave you out of it. He cannot force you to do something that you don't like and tell him that you'd rather be happy at home than go to their parties and be unhappy and create a scene.
However, don't ever make the mistake of telling your husband to choose between his friendship with them and you. They are his friends and he should be free to do as he likes, while giving you the liberty to do as you like. If you choose not to mingle with them, he should not expect you to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): I am in a similar situation to you, I am from the u.k and have married someone from a different culture and I also like to be alone rather than sitting with his family and friends for hours on end.I would have been very hurt and upset if that had happened to me, in fact I probably would have left the party even if I had to walk home far because that's the way I am. Even if she was drunk I'm sure she knew what she was doing and that was very rude and disrespectful. I wouldn't be able to just forget it either no matter how much time had passed but if she is being ok with you now then fair enough just go to her home as less as you possibly can, I don't really see what more you can do.Other than refuse to see her altogether. Perhaps she has matured a bit since then. Hopefully.
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