A
male
age
51-59,
*ig M
writes:Hi all. Been married 20 years; have two great kids (11 and 8). My wife says she no longer loves me but she wants to stay together for the kids. There is no affection or intimacy but we get along and have fun together and talk etc. I don't know if it's enough for me. I am going to have to find out obviously. My question is, should I have an affair - or at least a fling? My wife likely would not mind - but, what would the pitfalls be? Anyone?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Your so sweet to want to win back her heart! Could it be your wife is going through some depression or soul searching? Some women make the mistake that their husband should be their 'everything', and she doesn't know a true love relationship. (maybe her parents marriage was not a good role model?) I think the problem is with her more than you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): ok can i be honest with you if the love has gone then i dont really think that you can get it back and yes i am talking from experience! i was married to my husband for 10 years with 3 children and things were heading just as you said but i went a step further i had an affair he forgave me but all it did was made me realize that if i could sleep with another man i really didnt want to be with him! also you say you are staying for the children that really doesnt help i did that with mine and now they are much happier we only split up 6 weeks ago but things are just how they should be he sees the kids as much as he wants and everyone is happy if you stay for the children they will be miserable in the end??
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 January 2009):
I think you are doing the right thing and I really respect you for trying to win her back.
You sound like a nice man.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Think back to what you did when you first met her what were the things that made her fall for you...
Good luck mate ;)
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A
male
reader, Big M +, writes (7 January 2009):
Big M is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding to my question. My therapist just today recommended that I consider asking her if she would consider what many of you have suggested: that is, not necessarily an open marriage but a cohabitating separation whereby we are just roommates (pretty much as it is now) and are able to date others. I am giving myself 3 months of buying her flowers, jewelry and expressing affection - a last ditch effort to win her back - before I bring this up.
Cheers
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A
female
reader, pastfirst  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 Your question is one-sided.
What about your wife having affairs too? Whould this bother you?
Discuss it and if you're both in agreement of having an "open" marriage, it may work. You could give it a try if you're both in agreement. If you want have a good relationship (as you say you have), discuss these aspects.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 January 2009):
Well why can't you just be open with her about it before it happens.
You say yourself that she is not going to mind so she would probably appreciate your honesty.
If you two are living together purely as housemates to raise some kids then why be sneaky about it?
As long as you are discrete and remain a united front to the kids then there will be no harm done. It might actually make your relationship stronger as your wife will then be free to find some one else too.
The only pitfall I can see is that one of you might meet someone special and then splitting up the family may become inevitable.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): I would not be dishonest and if you think your wife would really not be that bothered then why not suggest you both have an 'open' marriage whereby you both agree it is ok to have sex outside the marriage but stay married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): I am not a agony aunt or anything but I am a woman, and I understand how we can manipulate any situation to suite our needs when we feel the need to, sometimes we do certain things in a certain way to get a certain reaction, we don’t always ask for what we want we would rather expect you guys to be mind readers, and figure it out all by yourselves, can I ask do you still love your wife coz here you say: “ my wife says she no longer loves me” it sounds like you still love your wife, you also say here that you can talk to her…. So why not sit her down and say to her that since she does not love you anymore, how would she feel if you had this “fling” check her reaction, no one can be married to a person for 20 years and just say I don’t love you anymore, love runs deep and sometimes when we are angry or sad, we can let the emotion of pain and anger overpower the emotion of love and we might think we don’t love, but when in fact we still do, love cant just be turned on and off like a light something you will discover when you try out this “fling” yea you are a man, and I understand what you must be feeling, but I also know that as you are a man, I also know that you will not stay with your wife just for the kids, true love is something you have to fight for, its not like a fling that only comforts you in that moment, and as for the kids, they need both their parents tighter in love and happy, decisions you make now, with your wife, will also affect your children when they get married, they pick up on more than you think, do you think its right for your son to grow up thinking a husband is not suppose to love his wife or show her affection? Or your daughter growing up thinking its normal for a man not to show her love or affection? Divorce is not as Taboo as it was 50 years ago, in different cultures yea it might be, but kids nowadays learn to deal with divorce, they have friends whos parents are divorced and therefore they don’t feel like they freaks and they have some friends they can talk to, but the message you are sending out to them now might only damage them more than you think…
LOL almost an essay, and then again I don’t know the situation, im just saying what I think, to people with no love wouldn’t be able to stay in peace under one roof.
Tata and good luck
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (6 January 2009):
It will give her an excuse to go do it herself. In effect it further pulls you guys apart. Maybe she wants you to because she already has somone set up that she wants (you will never know but dont get worried about it) can you accept that???
Staying together for the kids what does that mean? In the same house? where? What does that mean?
Staying together for the kids to them means you dont really want to be together, this will confuse them more but its good that you both get along well especially for their sake. anyway... it could have pitfalls on the kids too especially if your still living together.
please provide a little more detail
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