A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm living abroad for a year and I fell in love with a man I met here. He's 32, I'm 22. We were seeing each other for about three months, and it was wonderful. He called me his girlfriend, introduced me to all his friends as his girlfriend, wrote me love letters, emails, and poems. He told me he loved me often. I spent a lot of time with his family as well. However, from the beginning I was honest about my level of commitment: I maintained that I was unable to commit to a long-term future with him because we were at different stages of life (our ages) and I would only be living there for a year.He told me things like "thank you for making every day beautiful" and that he hadn't ever felt this alive. His family and friends said they had never seen him happier, and that he had been very shy all his life before and they had never heard him say so much since he met me. We moved very fast physically, but I loved it. Everything was wonderful. I never suspected any problem...Until... I went back to America for the holidays, and I got an email from him that was very strange. I had chat conversations with him that were also very strange. He seemed like a different person! Then this person revealed herself as his 35 year old long-distance girlfriend in another country! I had no idea! They haven' seen each other in more than a year and don't have the means to see each other any time soon.She told me she was reading his email and posing as him in conversations with me to find out if he was cheating, and that she was forgiving him and taking him back. At first we commiserated together and I felt some solidarity with her over. She said she was going to be strong and find a better man. I said the same for myself. But then very abruptly, she began to speak to me very cruelly, saying she had been working it out with him and he said that he never loved me. She said I would have to stay away from him. I heard nothing from him during all this. When I was sure I was talking to him on chat and not his girlfriend posing as him, he called me Baby, said all he could do was apologize, but offered no explanation. I was so angry at him, especially for involving me in hurting another woman. I told him some nasty things about how he never satisfied me in bed. I was angry, and what I said is untrue. He finally said, "My girlfriend was far from me, and I was lonely. that is all."But I don't believe "that is all." There was so much vitality and truth and wonder and discovery in this relationship even despite the deception. It's almost like he had two separate lives, and was two different people for each of us. He was living one romance in person with me, and another over the phone and in cyberspace with her.When I attempted to apologize for my angry words, he told me that I was a mistake and he chose to be with her. When I said I hoped we could be friends, he replied only: "have a nice life."I have a suspicion that he is going against his heart with his choice. He is fooling this long distance girl into false sense of security, and keeping her in his back pocket. I am pretty certain that I am not the only girl he has cheated on her with. His friends didn't even know about her. I think it makes him feel powerful to have someone waiting for him that he strings along and that he knows won't leave him. Is it possible that he wanted me for more than just sex, was sincere in his love for me, but because I could not belong to him he kept up the more secure relationship? Or did he use me because he was lonely? I am supposed to return to his town in a week.Of course, I should not want to be with a person who deceived me, but I am still in love. I know if we started anything up again, it would be a battle. It would never be quite right. I would not have the expectation that he would be faithful or committed to me. But I could still love him. I'm 22, so I am not looking to settle down. He and his girlfriend are at a different stage of life than I am, so maybe it is unfair of me to come between two people in their thirties who would otherwise settle down together. There is a difference between what I want and what's good for me. I want to feel what I felt with him before all this. I could accept him as is, with all he's done. Is there an honest way (that is not hurtful to anyone) for me to get him back? Do you think the long-distance girlfriend is what he REALLY wants? How could he truly love her 100% if he started an emotional and physical relationship with me? What should I do when I return? I will have to run into him a lot because we know so many of the same people. Should I:a) be cold and ignore himb) be kind and graciousc) look hot and like I've moved to make him feel that he's replaceabled) try for the chance to discuss this with him honestlye) tell him that i am sorry i caused him and his girlfriend sufferingwhatever i say/do, i want him to feel all or any of these:1) regret for losing me2) desire to get me back3) recognition that HE was the fool, not either of us women. 4) impotent!and i suppose once my anger subsides, i wish him peace. Any help/ideas/suggestions would be great. thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sunandthemoon1  +, writes (20 November 2010):
I tried to post before, don't know if it worked. I am currently in the same situation. What ended up happening in your case?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): Hi there
I am 22 and yea I understand how you feeling right now, in one part of your letter you say :” Is there an honest way (that is not hurtful to anyone) for me to get him back?”
Angel if you take this man back I think you are the only one who will be getting hurt, ever heard that saying if someone hurts you once its their fault but if someone hurts you twice its your fault… think about it, listen to what your heart is telling you, you are still young and I am sure you are beautiful, don’t let a relationship with a man who does not deserve or respect you destroy you coz you know that you deserve a man whom you can trust will love honor and respect you….
Good luck and please let us know what happens here
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