A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend/father of my unborn baby is a big pothead. I get so mad because he constantly smokes around me. He stays drunk Thursday - Monday. He has no job but is in college 2 days a week. When he is by himself he doesn't smoke weed as much as when his friends come over. So far through this pregnancy, he has shown no support or consideration. I feel like he is gonna be a dead beat dad but he says otherwise. He tells me he is gonna be in this childs life no matter what, but I don't want that if he is still napkin and drinking heavily. Everytime I bring up the situation is causes a huge fight. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009):
He is who he is. He's not going to change.
If you didn't want him for a baby-daddy, then the time to decide that was before you had sex with him.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (30 November 2009):
 My question is, if he was like this since you met him, then why did you choose to stay with him and have his baby? I mean being in a relationship with someone who is a pothead and this irresponsible wasn't a smart idea in the first place, was it?
This is who this guy is. And he isn't going to change, so don't be upset at him when he was like this all along. You knew what you were getting into even before you had this kid. It's not really fair to expect him to change all of a sudden just because you're pregnant, simply because it is unrealistic. I admire you for going through with the pregnancy, but I think your best bet is to be straight up with him. Tell him that if he isn't willing to cut bad behaviors and get a job, that he won't be a part of the baby's life the easy way. Instead you two won't be together, and the only time you will see each other is when you're at court negotiating child support. You shouldn't have to put up with this, and either way you will get the support you need.
It's up to him if it's the easy way or the hard way. Simple as that. And next time I might consider a little higher standard when it comes to choosing a partner. That way if situations like this come up, you'll know that you're in good hands.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Oh yeah, he is going to be in the baby's life no matter what? Tell him the baby exists NOW, tell him his smoking is harming the baby NOW, and if he is sure he isnt going to be a dead beat dad the time to start is NOW.
And if he wont shape up he can jolly well ship out!
Stick to your guns, better to have no daddy than a dead beat daddy hanging around your necks, starting NOW.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 November 2009):
Unfortunately, you can't change him. He's really immature and the only way he's going to quit with this behavior is for him to just finally grow up. When the baby finally comes he may finally decide to man up and become a responsible parent--but in many cases, that doesn't happen either.
I think for now, you should give him a reality check and distance yourself from him. Let him know that if he'd rather party than get a job to help support the baby that will be in this world shortly then he can go ahead (and the courts can decide when he'll see the baby) but you'll be preparing to make a better life for yourself and the baby. Really, you don't need him anyway. It's like you can be a single parent with his pain in the ass around (do you really want to look after two children?), or you can be a single parent on your own. Hopefully, he will be able to see that you're moving on without him and he'll decide to man up and take on the responsibility. Otherwise, there is no nagging or negotiating that will make him change his ways.
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A
female
reader, blinky1309 +, writes (30 November 2009):
umm wow my uncle is like that acctually ad he is good dad most the time believe it or not he is a better dad when hes high but drunk not so much
i hope you and your baby have a good life and you bf straightens out his prioritys
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): Hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I think you're gonna be a single mom. If he can't give you any support while you're pregnant, don't imagine thing's will change when the baby's born. On the contrary, the expense of a child will interfere with his ability to buy pot, so the novelty of fatherhood is likely to wear off pretty quick. There's lot to be said for using birth control when you're dating a stoner. Sorry, but them's the facts. :)
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A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Show him that you are serious, and leave him. And don't get back together with him until he can prove to you that he has got his act together.
Your baby is your first priority now. He or she doesn't have the option to get away from the situation. That is your job as its mother. Being around second hand smoke, drinking, etc, is bad for both you and the baby.
Imagine what your life is going to be like when the baby comes and he is too stoned or drunk to help you. Or, when his friends come round and you are trying to sleep or have to baby sleep....
You need to create a safe, healthy, and nurturing environment for your child. He says he won't be a dead beat dad? Well make him prove it. Until he does, get out of there.
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