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What the heck is up with this guy? Does he love me? Does he hate me and like to screw with my head?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 December 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

What's wrong with me? Ok, been on a roller coaster with this guy for almost 9 years now. Generally, I am an intelligent, independent woman, however, this guy is my kryptonite, he is my biggest weakness. Here's the situation in a nut shell.

He was diagnosed bipolar, but I have a hard time believing it because I have seen him control his tantrums when certain people were around, but hey I could be wrong. So this guy has a cycle. He's 8 months/3 months. The first 5 1/2 years he was with me for 8 months, he'd pick a fight or accuse me of something absurd and leave. After about 2 months, he'd call and demand his stuff. He'd say mean horrible things and make me cry, then hang up. a couple days later he'd call and be remorseful and proceed to tell me that he loved me, yada yada and then we'd end up getting back together. It got to the point that when he would come back, I would go to the calender and circle the next day he would leave. Every time, I was within 2 weeks of the date I circled. Then, we had decided that since we both had family in Florida that we would go down stay with my brother and try to relocate. after 2 months, I had come home from my 2nd job, exhausted and sore. He very sweetly said "go ahead and take a nap, I'll do the dishes and take care of everything." I gratefully took him up on it.

I woke 2 hours later and the dishes were done and put away, but he was gone. All of his stuff was there except for his stupid camo hat and his wallet, but he was gone. No note, nothing. I returned home and reluctantly went on with my life. After 8 months I get a letter in the mail with no return address telling me that it wasn't me it was him and that I deserved better. Okay, strange. 8 months after that, he called my house and talked to my mom about "how was your Holidays and how are you both?" My mom didn't tell me he called but I was scanning through the caller ID looking for a number I needed and saw his name listed. I freaked out, like why didn't you tell me he called, what did he want? I immediately dialed the number and he wouldn't answer. I called about 10 times that week and left messages to the effect of "I deserve closure and the truth about what the ---- happened and why. Finally he called.

We talked and I was okay with goodbye and wished him well. The next day, he starts texting me as if I'm his Best Friend. within a month he's telling me he loves me and wants to come home, but wanted me to come there just to make sure it wasn't nostalgia. so I made the trip. When I left, he was crying and told me that he would be home with me within 2 months. Within 6 weeks he started blowing me off, wouldn't answer my text or calls. Then would call and scream at me about things that I wasn't doing or saying and that he has gout and somehow it was my fault. So, 8 months pass and he calls again about something stupid. "My real father contacted me and I'm at a loss" And that concerns me how? I said. He said you're outside the circle and I trust your insight. then nothing for 3 weeks. then he calls about his estranged son being on my friends list on facebook and "the woman I knew would've told me about it, especially when he won't accept my request" but says he isn't mad at me.

Another 2 weeks pass and I get "are you busy right now?" He calls me and we were just bs'ing about life and he pops up with "I don't want to get your hopes up, but I do still love you and I miss you like crazy. I still consider your house my home, but I have a lot of self repairing to do and I can't make you any promises." Then he starts about I thought about getting a moped, but what happens if I decide to stand up and do what I know is in my heart and make the trip back there? I don't think a moped will pull me and all my belongings 1200 miles and it's cold there." Then all of a sudden he's ignoring me again. No calls, no response when I sent a text to inform him of a friends death, nothing.

What the heck is up with this guy? Does he love me? Does he hate me and like to screw with my head? Does he get some kind of ego kick knowing that someone who is way out of his league is hopelessly in love with his dumb a*!? Am I just a back up plan? He knows I'm not clueless, but continues to try to make me believe that there has been no-one since me and that even though he was dating someone, the were not intimate because his heart wasn't in it.

Am I completely stupid or is there a real possibility that he is bipolar and fighting with himself? by the way, his family used to adore me, then he played us against each other and now they despise me. He uses them as an excuse too. I don't know why I care. I honestly know in my head that I don't deserve this, but my heart just can't seem to move on.

View related questions: best friend, facebook, move on, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010):

Most probably are not of my opinion that even psychiatrists are more quack- y than not. Diagnosing psychological disorders is exceedingly tricky, and very often wrong. I have known of someone who was diagnosed depressed, then atypically bipolar, then perhaps epileptic or autistic or whaaaaa. Or nothing at all, and just in a difficult place in life at the moment (and likely also just about every moment leading up to the moment). Signs of depression or erratic- ness of behaviour are not to be blamed on mental irregularity alone... behaviour and mood are very tied into life experience, present social and physical environment, self- concept, confidence, habits, character, personality... There is probably very rarely one single factor causing "non- normal- ness".

An interesting this is that, if you look into it, just about all classified psychological disorders are interrelated... show similar or exactly the same symptoms, are theorized to be caused by very similar stressors and pasts, are even treated by similar drugs (i.e. the anti- seizure medication lamotrigine is diagnosed to people with various sorts of bipolar, and various forms of epilepsy, and personality and stress disorders, and plain ol' depression, even migraines...). Drugs of this sort are especially difficult to diagnose correctly... it usually takes a lot of trial and error to find one that works, and in the right amount, and in the right balance with any other needed medication. They often are not needed forever, often only a few years or so... they often stop working and need to be switched... then the whole trial and error process begins again.

For this reason, I believe there is no such thing as psychological disorder. Everyone is normal. But the things around us are not.. everyone's life is different and some differ from the norm in whatever society they happen to be lived in. Every human life is equal. It is the society around them that defines them.

I wonder- what experiences was your guy undergoing when his behaviour seemed erratic to you? Were they themselves erratic? Was he "stable" at any point in his life when things around him were stable (usually, this time would be childhood, when one in our society typically lives safely with their parents and have a set, pre- determined schedule- school everyday, usually the same school for many years. Dramatic changes like moving from one's known neighborhood to another, moving from one school to another -consider the switch from elementary school to middle school and middle school to high school and how easy and enjoyable most kids find it, parents divorcing, abuse starting, abuse starting and stopping frequently over periods of time, deaths, any traumatic Anything. Anything major changes a person's behaviour... they relate to the world differently, they change socially to adapt, in whatever way their personality or conditioning determines that they do. They get to thinking and even relate to themselves differently, their social position changes, they are jolted into different roles, their self- concept is different.) If his life was stable for a significant time, and he naturally followed suit in stability (this does not mean "normalcy". It means he was the same generally speaking for the duration of the Time that was the same. Natural little ups and downs in moods day to day are understandable by everyone and do not count. No one can be happy All of the time.

Please think about what may be triggering his behaviour before you blame it on psychotic- ness. What changes, what stress, what unhappinesses/discomforts could be causing him to react. If they exist, it is very likely that his reactions are understandable and he is not at all Crazy.

Your heart cannot move on you say.

Please strive for understanding and let him know that you care and would like to help him out if you can, in what way you can, in what way you both would be comfortable with. He needs to meet you part of the way by being open and honest. Please insist upon his striving to treat you with the respect that you deserve and to hold proper social courtesy as an ideal. But try to understand that emotions can blind people to what society deems is "right" and cause comporting oneself suitably to be painful or seen as less necessary. All humans must overcome selfishness and lack of self- control to get along with each other Perfectly, but we all know how difficult that can be. Patience, then!

You two need to Talk,

Tante Victoire

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010):

Thanks for the feedback. Got any advice on how to get your heart in sync with what your head already knows? Love is funny and unfortunately generally, one sided. Maybe I deserve this, because I'm too naive when he says what my heart wants to hear. Thanks again.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010):

not beying funny if he rilly love'd you he wood't do this to you my m8 had it and him and his gf are happy tbh it seems lik ur the back up plan

if i wos u i wood just tell him to piss off and if he dont phon the police u shood't have to put up with it

good luck x

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