A
female
age
30-35,
*dwtampa
writes:So I'm a 21 year old woman who still lives with her parents. I've always had horrible self-esteem. I very rarely see myself as beautiful, and it feels like calling myself pretty is pushing it a little. I always get compliments on my hair, my own mother saying it's beautifully colored and thick. And she says constantly I have a natural beauty. Yet my own mother is the reason for this question. She seems to have no problem saying to my face that I'm fat and need to exercise. She's always trying to push me to wear makeup and do up my hair. I've always been more comfortable using very little makeup, foundation powder, lip gloss and maybe eyeshadow at the max for casual wear. For my hair, I leave it parted down the middle and simply brush it. I try to do more for work, wearing better makeup and trying to do simple things with my hair..like pulling part of it back, brushing my bangs to the side which I absolutely hate. I cannot stand having my hair in my face! And I fear to do anything too extreme to my hair..I look at my mothers hair, she has dyed it and curled it and ironed it and so many things over the years. It's so thin and brittle and I fear my hair will become like this,despite using her so praised products which “should protect it”. Hearing these types of things from her hurts me badly. I can openly admit yes, I'm chubby. I'm about 5'4” and weigh about 160...which is about 40 pounds gain since I left high school. The strange thing is, I only hate how I look naked! When clothed, I actually seem to have a kind of nice figure...I have very large breasts, about 36 DD. I have big hips and a huge butt and my thickened waist doesn't seem so...grossly wide and big. I know I want to lose weight already and I am trying...so it hurts when my mother says right to my face I'm fat!My boyfriend tells me he loves me,fat or thin or whatever and that I shouldn't listen to my mother, but if it matters so much to me he'll help me lose weight....I've tried saying to her, “what kind of mom says that sort of thing to her daughter?” I've tried talking to her,and I can't just ignore what she says! What do you do in this situation when you're caught between a rock and a hard place?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 The Buddhist have a saying, "Water can destroy a mountain, drop by drop, year by year the mountain will crumble away"
Good advice for dealing with mothers, belly fat and anything else. Pick one solution and stick with it, over time you will notice a difference.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): ""you are or arn't" thing sounds like crap, no offense...belly fat is stubborn.-_- and any woman who says otherwise has an eatting disorder,is obsessive or ate a tapeworm. i want to lose weight healthily."
OP, you're talking to a guy who lost 3 stone in less than a year. Who went from very fat to toned and trim. I know how difficult belly fat is to get rid of, I'm a guy sure, that's where our bodies want to store it most. But it's also the easiest thing in the world, it just takes a while. How hard is it to go for a run or do some other cardio for one and half to two hours a week? It's not hard, that's the length of a movie, it's not rocket science, you just do it. Forget about weights, measurements and numerical goals and just exercise and eat healthily. In time you'll be toned and trim. People make it hard because they're idiots that believe all the ads they see with buzzwords like fast, efficient and things like that.
There is only so much a body can lose healthily and keep off in the long term. Diets don't work, fad exercise classes don't work either. Minor adjustments to your life is all it takes and that's it.
So I'm telling you, trying is not doing it never is. Trying is an excuse people use for failure "ah well, I tried". I tried has never accomplished anything, doing is what accomplishes things.
You know I started working out with a friend of mine. He went around telling people he was trying to get fit. He lasted 6 months. I told people I was getting fit. I still work out 3 times a week because I enjoy it. I have no weight goals never did. I wanted to be fitter, healthier and look better and I am all those things.
All I'm saying OP is the best attitude to have if you want to become fit is "I'm doing." Not trying, I will nor I'm going to; I'm doing, I am and I have.
The idea that losing weight is hard is a media perpetuated concept used by advertisers to sell their products. "No pain, no gain" all those things are designed to make getting fit look incredibly difficult so they can convince you that their product is the easy and relaxed way. Bullshit.
2 hours a week running. If you can't run for half an hour at a time without stopping then keep trying until you can it only takes a few weeks and then you're set, the weight will drop off before you even know it and if you're ignoring the weighing scales and just living/loving your life you'll see and feel improvement every single day. What's hard about that?
As far as your mom goes OP. Try and be bit tougher skinned. If she doesn't mean anything bad by it then don't take it to heart. The reason I say in your case trying is a bit idiotic is because if you were doing and you knew you were on your way to being fit and healthy then her comments wouldn't bother you in the slightest because you'd know that soon enough she'd have no reason to say those things.
All I'm saying is it's a lot easier to toughen your skin than to try and change your mom's attitude and how she approaches your life. Just brush it off and not take it too seriously and it won't hurt to hear those things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2012):
 One more thing. Exercise makes you feel better because it releases endorphins. I actually crave it now, moving the muscles feels great and I feel strong and powerful and healthy. I'm in better shape than I was 10 years ago, and in fact, I have better muscle tone, flexibility and stamina than I did in my 30s. It's great. I highly recommend it.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt
Just say "no." :D You can do it! If I can, anyone can!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2012):
I get where you are coming from. I had the same problem, only I was in my 40s, and I didn't have low self-esteem, I was clinically depressed.
Two things here, one is what you are doing to help yourself, do for yourself, because it's a good thing. Your 30, 40, 50 year old self will thank your 20 year old self for doing the right thing, okay? Keep on doing!
Second is how to get Mom to stop with the negative commentary. There are two approaches that may help you. One is, go off on her, I mean get really really angry. I had to do this. "Mom, EVERY TIME YOU SAY THOSE NEGATIVE WORDS TO ME, YOU DO *ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOTHING* TO MOTIVATE ME TO LOSE WEIGHT. YOU ONLY DIMINISH ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!" Yes, I shouted. I then went on, more calmly, "Those words, those criticisms, cut me to the core. They wound me, they hurt me, in ways I cannot express. I understand that you are unhappy with my weight. I'm unhappy with my weight. But continually telling me to lose weight is NOT the answer here. Support me by celebrating my mini-victories. When I lose 2 lbs, say 'hallelujah!' instead of pointing out I have 38 to go. I am telling you this because I love you and I appreciate you and I want to believe that you are telling me this because you love me. But every time you say these negative words to me, you are instead convincing me that you are angry at me and don't really want me to get better. You are convincing me that you ENJOY hurting my feelings. I HATE THAT. I want to feel love and support coming from you and instead all I feel is contempt and judgement. Is this what you intend?"
The other is to tune her out, but you said you can't do that.
I actually recommend the first path. It worked great for me. She stopped. And I did lose the weight and you can too. Move more, eat less and make it healthy food. You'll do fine.
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female
reader, edwtampa +, writes (24 February 2012):
edwtampa is verified as being by the original poster of the questiononce again want to respond to the answer..unfortunately this batch was much less helpful,and i think some people arn't exactly getting what i'm asking advice on..
Cerberus: i get she's trying to help me. but HOW she's trying to help is what's bugging me. i never said i don't want her to care or try to help me, what child would say that? i'm okay with advice but i'm not okay with insults.also, i AM okay with my looks, i'm just unhappy with my weight! and this whole "you are or arn't" thing sounds like crap, no offense...belly fat is stubborn.-_- and any woman who says otherwise has an eatting disorder,is obsessive or ate a tapeworm. i want to lose weight healthily.
Anonymous 2: thankfully, you got what i was saying exactly! unfortunately simply talking to my mom has failed to work...so..yeah...
CindyCares: yeah, we've established my mom cares. about the whole "trying isn't doing thing", i won't repeat what i said with Cerberus...HEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS. okay i lied...XD...anyway. please also remember my supportive boyfriend is also helping me lose weight despite the fact he loves me no matter what. let's not take stuff out of context okay? same thing with my looks. yeah i don't find myself very pretty, but the only thing on me i want to change is my weight. i very rarely speak to my mother about my weight or anything negative like that. i have never said to her i hate anything on my body because i rarely have the chance. so it's not like i'm constantly complaining about this to everyone close to me. again,the whole out of context thing...
So_Very_Confused:....argh...again...HEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS. i'm not wanting to lose my pounds in the next couple of weeks! i'm in a rush, why? i'm 21 years old, i have no health problems. the weight thing is purely aesthetical! so i'm not seeing a point to rush rush,obssess obsess. i really hope no one will say the "trying isn't doing" anymore...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Yoda says "do or do not there is no try"
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Yeah, you are "trying " . It think this may be what unnerves your mom - that you are trying , not doing . Mind you, still not defending your mom who has the tact of a steamroller, but I can see where she is coming from.
I guess more or less we all agree that your mom CARES, she hates to see you uncomfortable or worried or unhappy about something- and if this something bothers you, she wants to see it change. Not for herself, I think she'd love you even if you were 400 pounds, but for YOU ( I think that's the point you might be missing ).
And, you are " trying ". Trying means nothing, often is an excuse for not deciding and not achieving.
When you get out of the house in the morning , you don't " try " getting out. You get to the door, turn the knob, push it open, and you are out. You don't try washing your teeth, you just wash them, you don't try driving your car, you drive it. Etc. etc.
Just the use of the word " trying " implies a wishy washy determination, a lack of firm committment, , and an excessive focus on the possibility of failing. In other words, it shows your ambivalence toward a certain goal.
You say it yourself : you are on a weight loss program AND you still eat junk food ( ok, not much :).
From this point of view... your supportive bf who says " you are beautiful anyway " is probably as bad as your mom who calls you fat ass. It keeps you stuck in they " hey I am trying but it's so hard " zone, from which your mom wants to push you out, in her, I admit, misguided way.
I get the mechanism behind that because occasionally I am a nagging mother too ( more diplomatic that yours, but still.. ). I know and I regret it, then again my son too is always conceiving and announcing big self improvement plans ( not about weight, but the concept is the same )...that then rarely gets started or implemented. If he at least would shut up about it, fine. But it's often Oh I need to do this, and oh I need to do that - so Mom's attitude is : then DO it for Pete' s sake ! Either you DO something, or be content with the way things are.
I can't be sure, but it sounds that your situation is a bit like this. You don't like being 40 pounds overweight, but you still are. You are unsatisfied about your hair, but you don't want to try hair products or spend time fixing your hair . You are unsatisfied about your general look, but you don't want to wear make up , or try new fashion styles.
You say that you have low self esteem, and that you don't like what you see in the mirror...but you have basically excluded the possibility or feasibility of changes. Then what ?
That must be frustrating not only for you but for your mom too. If you were a HAPPY 300 pounds blimp with two strands of straggly hair and a potato sack on, then fine, if you are happy everybody's happy and it's nobody's business to make you change.
But, you are not comfortable with the way you look , and do you expect that won't affect or bother your mother ?... Impossible. That's not how mothers are programmed to be.
Again, maybe she shows her concern in a wrong way, but her concern is genuine, so cut her some slack. And , if you want her to STP being concerned, either you start making actual changes, or you learn to absolutely love ( not just tolerate ) your body and face exactly as they are now !
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I think it is insensitive for her to constantly say that to you and to use the word fat- it's hurtful. That said, she may be doing this out of caring for you- and from what you said you do need to lose weight. I'm sure you look beautiful the way you are but the fact is being as much overweight as you are isn't good for your overall health. I would work on a healthier diet and exercise to lose 35 pounds or so. Vegan/vegetarian diets are good for your health and losing weight but you need to supplement b12 carefully. Tell your mom again that she is not helping you by constantly insulting you this way and that it will cause permanent damage to your relationship if she continues this behavior- put it down in writing, that may have more impact. The make up you wear is none of her business. Women have a natural beauty without make up. You can moisturize your skin and care for it with plenty of water, a healthy diet, and low sun exposure / sunscreen and need no make up whatsoever or maybe just a mineral make up powder depending on your skin tone and evenness. As for your hair, if you're happy with it, leave it the way it is. Over processing can damage it but many people color and so on without damage- still that is up to you, not your mom, so tell her myob. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I think you're being waaaaay too sensitive here OP. She's a mother, has she ever seriously stopped trying to make you a better person or tell you what she thinks you can do to improve yourself? No, she hasn't because that's what mothers do.
She cares about you, what do you want her to say? She's been your mother for 21 years OP has she ever been tactful with you or has she always told what she thinks and been honest about it?
You think you need to lose weight too so what't issue with her telling you the same thing? You want her to sugar coat everything and ply to your insecurities when all you're doing is "trying" to lose weight?
It sounds to me like she has a point OP. Losing weight healthily is very easy, there is no "trying" about it, you either do it or you don't. If you're trying that means you're not doing.
As far as makeup goes, maybe she's right, maybe she's not who knows, maybe the way you apply makeup looks crap or maybe your mom's idea of nice makeup is crap. Would you prefer to have a mother who cares so little about you that she just stopped giving you advice? What do you want from her like? I mean you're still living under her roof at 21 she's just being a mother and mothers will never stop trying to improve our lives and help us out and that's all she's doing, you're being far too sensitive and the real issue here is your own insecurity and over-sensitivity.
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reader, edwtampa +, writes (22 February 2012):
edwtampa is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just wanted to respond to these answers. first off, to all of you thank you so much for the answers! it has helped me a little.Anonymous: Unfortunately, she does know it offends me! when my parents say something that hurts me, I tell them. however, no matter how I try to tell them, be it calmly and maturely or in a burst of emotion, my mother insists I'm a "drama queen" and should get over it or not let it get to me. I have tried continuously over the years to tell her I don't do my hair very much, but her excuse is that "if you use product, you won't hurt your hair!" but i don't wanna take the risk and cause permanent damage! and unfortunately I can't move out..in this economy, I'd end up back in my parents house within a few months to a few years. not precisely an option though I wish I could.IAmHereToHelpYou: I have tried doing that! inadvertantly actually...one day, I had to look extra good for work. so I naturally went to my mother. I asked her to pick out which eyeshadow color best went with my dress,being unable to decide. I ended up spending the next half hour being her barbie doll. so she's had her chance to make me over plenty of times. but it DOES NOT help.CindyCares: first off, I'd like to say that I never said I “wanted people to love me thick or thin”. My boyfriend has said that to me through out our relationship. He is the one who said to me he will love me no matter what, but that if it means so much to me, he'll help me lose weight. And he is. He now lightly scolds me when I start to slip and eat more of the junk food then I should. I'm not trying to have it both ways here. I acknowledge I'm chubby, I've openly said I want to fix it and I've been trying. But that doesn't seem to matter to my mom. And also...I've never been very adventurous, save for the tomboyish way as a child. Make up makes me cringe, and having to sit and do my hair for extended periods of times sends bugs crawling under my skin.HoneyPie: Thank you for your answer. Unfortunately talking to my mom simply doesn't work! It seems to go in one ear, out the other and doesn't make a mark.I've tried using the “taste of your own medicine” approach to hint to her it's hurtful, but that worked about as well as saying to her face I don't like her saying these things to me. Being subtle doesn't work and being blunt doesn't work. I know she just wants to help and I'm glad for that..but it feels like she's doing it the completely wrong way! Maybe the only option I have left is what Anonymous suggested and to move out...wish I could.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 February 2012):
 I think some mothers do this thinking that if ANYONE can tell their daughter these things it should be Mom!
Every mom think their kids are beautiful and I think your mom wants you to hit your potential. In this society where looks seem to matter so much, she wants you to NEVER hear :" Hmm you are a little chubby/fat" from a co-worker or stranger. And your mom know that people who aren't fat, live longer and in general are happier.
Sometimes even Moms just need some TACT when giving advice.
Just like some wives expect their husband to ALWAYS tell them the truth, they don't want to hear that they actually look fat in that red dress.
Talk to your mom.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 February 2012):
You won't like my answer but, honestly,... all mothers who see their daughters getting complacent and not doing an effort to look their best , while at the same time being unhappy with the way they look and wishing they were different.
If you were totally OK with your body , weight and look, and you'd really had decided " people will have to like me for the way I am , not the way I look, and if they don't, too bad for them, their loss not mine " - that would show, it would show inequivocably, in your verbal and body language, and it would be enough to stop frozen dead on their tracks any interfering mom or wanna be critic.
But , as you say yourself, you aren't that happy with how you look, and your self esteem is low ,also linked to your self image, and you sort of suffer, at least a little bit, because of that . And your mom sees you suffering... BUT staying at the same weight, with the same non descript hairstyle , ... while she KNOWS there's a beautiful princess within you that is screaming to get out and it would if you'd help.
That's like waving a red drap under a bull's nose for the average mum ; it spurs her to action. Granted, your mom is no life coach, and no psychologist, to keep the bull similitude she is a bit of a bull in a china shop, there would be many better ways to support and promote positive changes , and still avoid making you feel like s..t.
But, she means well- she just can't stand to see you unhappy. Or,not that happy .( I know that you aren't exactly miserable about these superficial details, just uncomfortable ,but that's already too much for your mom to bear, mothers are worriers ). So, condemn the actions, but, appreciate the intentions.
Because you've got to be honest with yourself, you can't have it both ways. You can't say you want people to love you for yourself, fat or thin... and then also hate the sight of your waistline. Pick one, and if you pick the second, start making changes . Do it for yourself, but ... this will also shut mom up.
As for hair and make up, I don't know, I always thought it is FUN for girls experimenting and trying new stuff . You don't need to fry your hair with chemicals or to do anything outrageous, but maybe it's time you stretch your image comfort zone out a bit . Real life adventures are so few and far between, and othen dangerous or expensive... at least we can be a bit adventurous with hair , clothing and make up. Take it as a game,...the search for your Inner Princess... who knows, you might come to think of it as a lot of fun .
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Unfortunately being a mother doesnt automatically make us subtle and tactful. Your mom is your mom and this is how she speaks. She might not realise how much she is offending you. So next time she calls you fat, tell her she is deeply offending you and she must stop talking to you like that. She is probably just worried about you and doesnt want you to get overweight. If she has seen your weight creeping up since you left school, she might be really worried in case it continues and causes a health problem. But she should talk to you about it in a kinder way!
If she mentions make up again just tell her you wear whats right for you and thats an end of it! If she mentions hair again, try telling her you dont want your hair to end up like hers!
At the end of the day it might be that she is getting on your nerves because you are a grown woman now, still living under her roof. It might be time you fled the nest before she REALLY starts making you stressed out and there are arguments. So try looking for your own place and then you will be free to do as you please.
And for the record, my weight started to creep up and my nearest and dearest started making remarks. I thought they were being horrible to me! My ex partner shrugged and told me I was fine and to take no notice of the people who seemed worried about my weight and were making `hurtful` remarks. Fast forward a couple of years and I was a blimp! He went off me and I suddenly realised, those who I had thought of as horrible were the ones who truly cared about me and hadnt wanted me to end up as I did! So try and cut your mom some slack, she does care about you, she just isnt going about things very tactfully.
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