A
female
age
36-40,
*ena1
writes:I don't know from where I start ,I am tired of the situation I am living in.and I do not know what I should do ,I need help,I want to make a mature and a right decision.Before I get married,I was in different country ,and my husband was living with his mother(he moved to her house when his father died),his sister did not want to take care of her,she even wanted to put her in old people"s home.anyway,at that time he was telling me that he is gonna get house before i move on so I can have freedom in my home.he even was insisting about that.I started telling him no ,we can not let your mom alone,because I felt sorry for her,and also I thought he pays all the bills,and I did not want him to pay for 2 houses.I moved to his country and that was the 1st time i met his mother we got married,and we are living together since then,it has been a year and few months.the problem started from my 2d month living with her.I realized that she is from the kind who does not like the change and who interfere at every thing.for example if I am going out ,she will be asking me where am I going,or if I move plate from cabinet to another,I will come back and find them where they were before.plus to all that ,my husband does not sit with her,so now we do not even eat dinner as normal couple on dinning table,we eat in our room ,and we sleep and we sit in the same room.it is like we are living in one room.in addition,she has the bigest room and we have the small,she did not even think with herself and said ah my husband is married now I need to give them the big room,she had all the room,and she is putting her clothes in the closet in the hallway,and also the one in her room.and every drawer in the house has only her staff. I am very sick to my stomach with this situation.I told my husband I want to move I can not live my life like this,You are not living normal neither I am ,and that was from my 3d month of marriage,his excuse was always I chose this ,and also we did not have lot of money back then,there was not lot of job.and by the way before I come his sister was offering house to his mother ,but i said no ,we will all live together because I did not know how she is.besides ,she broke her leg and arm after his dad died.any way,I tried to be nice ,but like they say never live with your mother in law.now ,he is working and me too,I told him let go rent ,he wants to rent big house and we give her room,i did not like the situation because we will live the same way we are doing now.and today,we were talking about moving out,and he told me something that really touched me,(he said I hope your mother never be in the same situation my mom living now,because I ll be acting like your doing now).well,I told him my mother will never act the same way your mom doing,if she was in this situation.I feel deeply sorry for her,I just can not live like animal,sleep and eat in the same room,and live like stranger in same house and without freedom.I told him we move close so you can come see her every day.anyway,I love my husband but our relationship changed since I started complaining about his mother.and even tells me that,well ,he tells me that I am unreasonable.I need opinions.what should I do.???
View related questions:
money, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): i feel your pain. sorry to hear you feel you are like a prisoner in your own home. i think that it is best to move to another house where you can live on your own terms, which means you can run the house the way you like it, without making anybody feel bad or mad. that is just so stressful! regarding your mother-in-law, i feel for her, too because as you said she has a broken leg. but you and your husband has a new life together and she should respect that,especially that you are from a different country. i think your husband should get both of you some place to live. it will not be good for your marriage living like that. that would be hell! i have the same problem too, and it just causes too much stress on me. my problem is a little different from yours, because my mother-in-law always complains of too much bills and expenses. and i don't have work right now but she has. so at least you have work. if your husband keeps deaf ears on your predicament, i think it it time for you to move out and have a place of your own. you didn't move in with your husband to die of stress. he should know that. i hope everything will end up happy for you and your husband. one thing, do not let stress come in your way! do not forget you also love yourself!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 March 2010):
 Lenal, you are welcome. I hope you will find your happiness and peace in your life soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (23 March 2010):
lena1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you laura.I appreciate your help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 March 2010):
Lenal, do not worry about what he said. Some men will say one thing and do another .They are just obstinate and want to win the argument They want to be in control.
Leave and you will see the results that words are only words.You don't deserve that kind of life and you should seek improvements whenever you can .
If you think the ship cannot be repaired and are sinking, you need to jump ship.
...............................
A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (21 March 2010):
lena1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura ,he is from the kind who does not care.If he said that we will break up If i leave with out him ,he means it,
can you believe that he does not shower for months because he does not want to get out of the room .
Can you believe that we have one chair in the room,every time he comes to the room he makes me move from it because he can not sit on the bed,because of his knees problem.
I am ust tired of this,no freedom out or in the room.
our relationship changed and that because of his mother.
sometimes I feel like I do not know him,and like I am in strange house.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 March 2010):
He needs to see the situation has changed and his mother cannot be allowed to live in this way.
If you do not threatened to move out, he will be very obstinate and stuck to his guns.
If you leave, then he will see the hopelessness of the situation. He cannot take care of his mother without you .He will have to listen to you in the end.
If you don't leave, nothing will change and you will only suffer more.
You have your rights and treating you like a slave or maid is not what you asked for in a marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (21 March 2010):
lena1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys ,you really made me feel better,and I wish he can read this answer,so I can prove to him he is the imature and the insane one not me.
he doesnt want to put her in nursing house,his sister wanted to do that before ,but he refused.
sometimes I feel like I am maid in here.none of them do any thing,and on the top of it there is no freedom.
I am going to tell him to move,If he doesnt want to he can live with his mother,I am tired of this.
Thank you guys for sharing this with me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Your mother-in-law is set in her ways and wants her house the way she wants it to be--as is her right--but you deserve the freedom to enjoy married life as intended. There can only be one queen in a castle, and you need your own castle.
You have been more than reasonable, and your suggestion to live nearby is very sensible. Unfortunately, your husband is not acting mature. He is wrong for telling you that you will be single if you move out, especially since he is not trying to do anything to make things better. He is miserable living with his mother, wants you to be miserable, too, and tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to be happy.
If he doesn't want to leave his mother alone, has he looked into hiring a nurse or nurse's aid to stay with her in the evenings? There are all types of services available for older people; are there senior centers where you live so his mother can get out of the house more? What about church or other activities?
It is not fair that he is forcing you to live in this situation. You may have to move out to prove to him that you are serious about having a home of your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 March 2010):
You are welcome! Do not feel guilty or be responsible for what happens to his mother. You did your best under those conditions and you need help.His mother is his responsibility.
Who is responsible for you if you go mad and end up at those funny asylum? You have to take good care of yourself and no one can help you . Your husband may even divorce you if you are insane.
His mother requires more care and your husband dumping his mother all on your lap is irresponsible. He should either send her to those old folk's home where they can care for her 24/7 or employ a maid to look after her.You can then visit her there.This is the best answer to your problem.
The best solution is to stay in a different place so that you can have your own place,relax, recharge and revitalize for another day.
If the MIL can change her attitude which I doubt she will, then you can continue to stay together and look after her.
You have come this far and you had enough and can't take it anymore. You are near break point from the tone of your post.
Do something before something breaks. No one can help you except yourself. You need to take the right steps to protect yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (20 March 2010):
lena1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlaura.thank you so much,you really made me feel better.
i told him I am gonna get out,and he told me if something happen to my mother your are going to bbe responsible because I know she is in bad condition and i want to let her live alone.
well ,i feel sorry for her and I told him let s rent close to her so he can see her every day.now .we are living with her ,he doesnt even talk to her,he is always lucking his self in the room.if she asks him for something,he comes to me and ask me to do it,
he makes me feel guilty by asking him to get our own place,god ......living with my mother in law is the worst decision I have ever made in my life.
I never thought I will be with mother in law,but feeling a pity for her made me think about living with her,but if only I can go back to those days and change it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (19 March 2010):
You were first given that option to live alone without her but you rejected it. It is hard to blame you for wanting out now.You did not know the real conditions when you agreed with your husband.
After you have given your best, and you found out that it is impossible to stay with your MIL, you will have to move out or you will go insane.
Your husband cannot see your pain and how it has affected you mentally and psychologically. It is a mental and emotional abuse you are facing everyday .
There is no way you can solve this problem except by removing the cancer. Get out and live alone if you must ,away from your MIL. You can still go back and see your MIL if she is still friendly .
Your husband will come to his senses when he sees you are happy.You are not immature but you are rational and mature.
The only person who is immature is your husband who cannot see the truth. It is because he is not you and cannot feel your pain .
...............................
A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (18 March 2010):
lena1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I understand that is very though situation for him,what is bothering is that before we gets married he was giving me the option to live alone,and now he doesnt talk about it.
I can stay in same house with her even if it is all mine,here we pay more that she does,she is like that,that is her personality,even when we go to her daughter s house she will be telling her why your putting this here or there and her daughter yells at her about that.
and I think we will have the same problem,because she will be there but just in bigger house,her son doesnt like to sit with her because she stresses him out,(and I dont really blame him).
one day he pissed me off.I told him you can stay with your mom ,and I will go rent my own place,then he told me then you are going to be single,and also tells me that I will regret what I am doing now and this decision I make when I grow us and be mature.I am 23years old and he is 36years old.
I always tell him to not blame it on my age.
he is not comfortable neither am .
I feel sorry for her too,and I also I feel sorry for myself/
I dont wanna be selfish,I tried to live with her I just can not live like this any more.
...............................
A
female
reader, Appelle +, writes (18 March 2010):
If you and your husband get your own house and she lives in one room, it is still your house. You can make the rules and she will need to fallow them. As to walking around in underwear you should have thought of that before you agreed to have her live with you, that is not a problem of hers. Plus, she has women bits, it will not really matter if she sees. I say try getting a big house where she is the guest, not you.
...............................
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 The problem you quote is real real problem, here it is husband torn between two female, mother and wife. Both side involve very serious and delicate emotional situation. Husband always in a critical situation. He is receiving sharp blow from wife and from mother also, and the bad out come can be a problematic marriage life.
But, I think mother being senior and experienced, should be reasonable in giving necessary space and freedom to her married son.
You can take help from nearest relative of your husband, to create required emotional balance. If you are lucky, then you can find such mature relative of your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 March 2010):
It is not easy living with your MIL who has such a temperament.
For your own peace and sanity , you should moved out and have your own place where you can have a retreat and be the Queen in your own house.
It is either this way or your husband will have to find another way to send his mother to his sister's place or to those senior citizen's home where they will take good care of her. She will also find more company there rather then live like a hermit at home.
We are now living in a fast changing world and leaving his mother all alone in the house while you both work is not good for her from a safety and health reason. She could hurt herself badly and nobody would come to help her.
Don't wait till you have psychotic disorder or mental breakdown , that will be too late.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 March 2010):
 I'd tell him, get the apartment, and he can come visit you when he finds to fit you into this schedule of his. Let him know that either way, you can't live in this situation. There has to be some compromise because that is what a marriage is. If he can't compromise on this, is this marriage a his way or no way set up? Your marriage needs to be where you are both fulfilled and not where one gets all and where the other gets none. That just isn't satisfying at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, lena1 +, writes (17 March 2010):
lena1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes,I told him that,I told him we can rent house nearby,so he can go see her daily,and he starts telling me that she can not live alone.
well,I feel sorry for her but I can not live like this too.
he suggested that we get big house and give her room with her TV in it and also put coach for her.I told him that is not going to resolve the problem,because I will not have freedom,there will be eyes always watching me,what if I am hot and I want to walk with just underwear in my house,I have to think about it.
this is getting ridiculous.I told him she can stay with us for example 2months and his sister other 2months ,every time she stays with one of them,and he starts telling me that his sister will not want,and also his mother will not be traveling every time with suit case she needs place where she can be comfortable,I told him you are looking for her comfort and you do not care about mine.
and also you know what he told me when I said we move out.he wants me to come see her every day and bring her food,instead of him doing it.what am I his maid.
I do not know what I am going to do.I have never thought I am going to be in this situation.:(
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 March 2010):
I can see his side, but in this situation the marriage is what's of value. Can he have a place and visit her daily, but giving you the freedom and feeling of being married that you deserve? I think so. Marriage is about compromise, but it's not about giving all of you, without him giving up some of him as well. I see, if you live separate from her but still visit, you'll both get your needs met. That's what I'd recommend happening.
...............................
|
