A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel embarassed just typing this, but well... I am 22 year old, college student, I am outgoing, I have a lot of friends and I am quite popular with them. I am tomboyish as in "loving sports, fights and cars" but you wouldn't tell from the way I looked apart from the short hair because I love dresses and high heels. I also have both curves and kind of body you get from working out a few times a week. I have my flaws - I have a whole frickin lot of flaws - but they can be seen only when you actually know me. Anyway, like I said in the title, guys NEVER EVER ask me out. The only guys I have been with were basically the guys I knew well and approached for casual sex. Only drunken homeless guys ever hit on me, lol. I've noticed whenever I'm out in a club I NEVER get approached by guys. Now usually I don't pay too much attention to guys as I usually just focus on spending time with friends then getting off with some guy in a club. Guys do approach my friends but never me. In clubs no one asks me to dance and I just sit there like an idiot sipping my drink. All my male friends automatically file me under 'one of the boys' and everyone I meet at the parties usually seems to instantly like me, talk with me, but never ask me out - asking out is reserved for all other girls in the group. I am getting tired of this. My friends don't ever give me good advice - all they say is something silly like "your face is always so serious" (NOT true) and "guys are intimidated by your looks"(not even going to grace that with a comment) - so any help would be really, really appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2015): Facial expression. It can do lots of damage. I have the same problem as you. I try to remind myself and smile , then I can see some move from guys.
Have you ever been rejected? If yes, so you know how it feels. I like you never approach guys. Couple times I did but not because I was interested romantically in them . Once it was a guy from a country which language I speak, and I simply waned to make conversation. He suddenly started introducing to me some women sitting next to him, and eventually turned his back to me, making me feel very uneasy. At firsti couldn't even understand why he was acting like that. Then I got it: he thought I was interested in him, but didnt like me that way and was trying to get rid of me. I even laughed from an idea of that, but honestly it was very unpleasant.
Imagine guys go through this quite often. Some developed thick skull, but some did not, and for them it's as unpleasant as it was for me. I didnt even like the guy, but the way he acted upset me for a moment. So, if you sitting with serious face, and don't look very approachable, they will never come up to you unless they are drunk and have courage.
I remember I was once in a bar, and this cute guy was looking and looking at me. Until I waived to him, he was afraid to come up to me. He told me later that he thoughti was too pretty to pay attention to him. We dated for awhile.
Also, smile. Smile always makes you more approachable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2015): Listen to your friends, they may be telling you the truth. Maybe you do look too serious. If you feel guys never ask you out, and someone in your group gets asked to dance and you don't; you're going to get an attitude, and it's going to show on on your face.
You take this attitude that guys are ignoring you everywhere you go; so you give-off a negative-vibe. Drop your cynicism, because it's wrecking your love-life.
Stop being one of the boys; and you won't be treated like one.
Engaging too much in "masculine" conversation detracts from your femininity. That might sound sexist, but guys looking for girls are in a sexist state of mind. You're trying to make a romantic-connection, and it only stands to reason a "straight-guy" is looking for the woman in you. Once you get the guy, you can freely talk about fights, cars, and sports. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS TO MEAN PLAYING DUMB!!! You don't down-play your intelligence for nobody! Reveal yourself a little at a time. Just introduce the lady first.
You have to take advantage of your feminine mystique. Guys don't have any problem with girls who like sports. They do raise an eyebrow wondering why she'd rather discuss sports than be romantic, soft, and flirty when it's appropriate.
Sometimes you have to hide the tomboy and let that girl out first. If you sit with a group of guys and talk sports, that's the impression of you that you leave in their heads. You're cool, but you don't register as "feminine" in their tiny little chauvinistic-minds.
It's mostly your defeatist-attitude, and the sad vibe you give-off. Your resentment shows when other girls get picked around you. Never let it show in your face. I've seen the scenario myself a few times. A group of ladies sitting together. There is one with no smile on her face. She stiffens her body-language or frowns the minute a guy walks up. Resting her head on her elbow, or slumping in her seat with her eyes down. That's the lady everyone will avoid.
Don't be offended. Just ask a random cute guy if you feel like dancing. Relax and chill. You don't have to wait to be asked. Approach a guy you like and start a conversation, but don't start-off with "guy-talk." Appeal to his masculinity; then let the conversation go anywhere you want it to, once you've got his attention.
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A
female
reader, hoehum  +, writes (11 May 2015):
There could be any number of reasons. But let's face it. Asking someone out is really intimidating. A lot of guys I know have admitted they get quite nervous approaching women. Instead of sitting back and wondering why you're not being approached. Why don't you grab the Bull by the horns and try asking a guy to dance? Or chatting someone up that you fancy. It might scary and you might get turned down a few times. But it can also be fun. :-D
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 May 2015):
 So you have rejected the advice of friends who know you well and have seen you interact socially, and you think strangers who don't have those advantages can advise you better. I'm pretty sure you will reject anything I say.
My first thought was that you were intimidating. So if you are sure that is not the case lets look at your behaviors. You seem to do most of your socializing at clubs. I think that the club scene is not putting you in the best light. As you say you end up sitting at the bar feeling stupid. I know what you mean.
I think you would do better (get more attention and more invitations) if you go to places and events in your interest areas Sports, cars, and Fights. At these places you can use your knowledge to interact with guys who have similar interests. You do need to do this without being one of the guys. In other words you need to make sure the men know that you are looking. Body language is the best way but if that isn't working start asking direct questions.
I'm worried that your not paying attention to the guys is giving them a signal that you are already committed elsewhere. In other words, Flirt!
FA
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A
male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (11 May 2015):
 Though you say you have flaws you write as a person who appears to have a solid perspective on who they are and their place in the world. Your letter made me laugh. I can see that you're probably as you say you are. But there's a slightly old-fashioned view that runs through your post that perhaps hampers you as you face the future. Basically, you are sitting there and waiting for life to come to you because, I presume, you are female and in your world men should make the first move because you see other females getting hit on. You're thinking 'well, I have a good body and I like dresses too, I'm in the club, where's my action?' But it isn't a logical system in that respect and the very few that do get hit on regularly are statistically insignificant.If you're going to sit taking cues from other people then inevitably disappointment or loneliness will come. For most people, it requires some kind of mutual realisation and a little bit of work. You don't have to walk straight up to the next dude you like and insist he makes out with you, but similarly offering up signals to someone whose eye you catch can't hurt any. You're right to disregard the advice of your friends (wild thought: it just sounds like you are in a scene where your particular look is unappreciated. College is a bit of a race-to-the-middle when it comes to sexual relations, whereas perhaps you have a niche best appreciated in real society) but I wouldn't worry too heavily. That you are liked and valued by people is a better basis to build from than being sleazed on in a club. Sure, it might seem less flattering now, but in five years it will be meaningless.So what needs to change? Your approach. Your mindset. You need to value your inherent goodness in building relationships to a greater degree and not place so much importance on getting skeezed on. You're ahead in this race, believe it or not, not behind.
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