A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,Can anyone please give advice from experience about the difference between gut feelings and anxiety regarding cheating in a relationship?I've been with my BF for over a year now and I've had a bad feeling about his female work colleauge. He started mentioning loads and after a while I asked him to stop talking about her so much which then lead to him lying about seeing her which when I found out lead to disagreements. I recently found loads of messages and call logs between them in his phone which upset me as we only ever text (were semi long distance) as he supposedly doesn't like speaking on tbe phone. When I asked him he said it was because she was leaving work and moving away and it was just goodbye messages at 1130PM! In the past I've seen flirty messages between them and her telling him she misses him too, So it seems I'm just being paranoid but my gut is telling me it was something more. How do I distinguish between my own self doubt and if something did happen? I can't decide.....please any advise would be great. I guess I will never know if something did happen but its driving me crazy and I Don't know if this lack of trust already means I should maybe just end it even though generally things are good. Another niggle is he hasn't told me he loves me yet just I know how he feels about me. Thank you. X x x
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female
reader, Paula4u  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Walk away with your head up high .. trust your gut.
A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (21 January 2013):
 Got to go with So.....I think the reason you dont want to do this is you also know where its headed, to the end of your relationship, but I think its better for you if this ends with your head held high, having confronted him than if this drags on and on and you find out the horrible truth or worse, he ends up dumping you. Be brave, leap into the abyss, you will end up better off for it, good luck :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 trust your feelings. we have them for a reason.
why would someone who hates talking on the phone magically have to talk on the phone to someone they work with and therefore SEE everyday but not talk on the phone with their LDR girlfriend?
and in many cases someone who gets angry when you question their behavior is trying to hide something...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your answers. Its I love him so much and even though he said nothing happened I still can't shift this feeling and I'm worried if I bring it up again he will just get annoyed that I don't trust him if he is innocent and its my own paranoia. Should I ask him.again or just leave it and move on? Many thanks x x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): A shrink once said to me "he's putting out a signal" when I asked her why my husband started talking about other women and I also believe you should trust your instincts. Hence my husband is now my X and did leave me and start seeing other women. My point is you shouldn't doubt yourself, if you feel this way it is probably for a reason. Why would he care so much about another woman leaving? Hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): I can understand why you ask this question. I've been cheated on before and sometimes wonder if I'm being paranoid or misreading things, over thinking things, etc.But reading your post, I think you have valid reasons to be concerned. As anonymous below says, only texting you (no phone calls) is a red flag. Especially when you know he can manage to phone someone else with no difficulty. Also, I would have expected my significant other to have said "I love you" after a year together. By the way, checking the phone of the ex who cheated on me was also how I found out something was wrong. He'd deleted his call log, which was an odd thing to do. It was the one and only time I snooped. He would also turn his phone off or on silent, and he'd never done that before (I commented on it), which was why I looked at his phone that one time. He was also talking about a female colleague a lot. And then, a few months after the shady behaviour started, he broke up with me and I found out from mutual friends that he was seeing her. They got engaged shortly afterwards. So, I say you should trust your gut instincts here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): He only texts you? That's already a big red flag. You know, I would conduct myself with eyes very wide open. You're in your 30's - you're not a silly girl. When someone is hardly calling you and wanting to speak with you, isn't that a sign? Text messaging is a lazy way to communicate with someone - he obviously isn't smitten enough to talk to you. Which is weird, after one year of dating, isn't it?So this brings me to the fact that he obviously has a thing going on with this other woman. Whether they're just friends or she's a crush or it's more, only they know. But obviously he's smitten enough with her to pick up the phone and talk to her often. Something he's not doing with you, his girlfriend.He treated you almost like a buddy - someone he could gush to about this other girl. Then he lied about seeing her. Whatever may have happened or still is between them, all his actions point to the fact that, in his mind you are only second to her. She's won his heart strings.And this, is sufficient knowledge to break-up with him. Who wants to be second best anyway? Only they know if some emotional or physical cheating occurred. What you DO KNOW, is that he's treated her better than you. Enough evidence to walk. You're in your 30's, don't waste you time on someone who is obviously not smitten with you. It won't lead to marriage.big hug!
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (20 January 2013):
I would go with your gut purely because it is instinctive feeling with a totally rationally grounding. I would say that even if physical cheating hasn't happened (which is possible) then your boyfriend is having an emotional affair with his now ex co-worker. This means there are serious issues in your relationship that you need to address. The most likely obvious cause of these issues are the 'semi-distance', obviously she is much closer than you are, etc, etc. You cannot prove he has cheated physically speaking but you do need to confront these issues head on because if you dont then your relationship is forfeit. Frankly, if things have got this far than this may already be the case but you certainly cannot carry on like this, being eaten up by these totally legitimate doubts. Sit him down and thrash it out and if that ultimately leads to you ending then so be it I am afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): I say always trust your guy it is usually right, your body can detect a change in your partners attitude even without you knowing it will drive you insane.He is obviously doing things that are making you question him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 January 2013):
 If'n I were you, I'd "go with" my "gut" feeling.....
If you DO SO, you won't have to feel like the fool, when you find out that your "gut" was correct...... AND, if you find that your gut was incorrect, you can fall back and say, "Well, lover, you did everything you could to make me question your fidelity.... so how could I NOT do so (question your fidelity)????" "If I was wrong, then, pardon me...."
Really... with what you've submitted, here, I'd say the onus is on HIM to "prove" that he's not been wandering...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): I've been cheated on, and my cheating partner said all the things to undermine me eg I was paranoid, I was too controlling, his behaviour was normal, I was jealous and needed help. Well it turned out he was cheating, as my friend and later his best friend confirmed. He was dumped quicker than you can say " lying cheat ".From what you've said it seems you DO have grounds for concern, he calls her but not you and he flirts with her also? These are huge warning signals and I would sit down and tell him that this is really worrying you and you want the flirtation to stop. Be clear about how this is affecting you. If he respects and loves you, he will stop, if not I do think you should leave.To be honest he sounds like he may be cheating, your gut reactions are there for a reason and his behaviour does not sound right at all. But be brave.Good luck!
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