A
female
age
51-59,
*QM
writes:I am a 42 yr old Mother of 3 girls, ages 18, 16 and 10. I have been married for 18 yrs and up until 2 years ago thought I had a great marriage. I trusted my husband completely and I am not a jealous person. My husband doesn't drink and he doesn't go out with the boys or anything like that. 2 yrs ago, my now 16 yr old daughter found some weird emails on my husbands PC. Further investigation uncovered the fact that he was having an affair with one of the ladies at his work (she actually reported to him). This absolutely devastated me and my girls, I couldn't even keep it from them as they were the ones who caught him. I confronted him with the evidence of "sexy emails and emails planning weekends away together etc" he said they did not sleep together, but had kissed and were having this thing. he has to this day denied having an affair and doesn't believe what he did was an affair. he says he loves me and the kids more than anything in the world. He begged me to stay. however he refused to go to counseling. He promised no more contact with the woman and 6 months later she was retrenched. I found out again that he was still in touch with her and had her name saved on his phone under a "code". Since then he seems to have not been in touch with her. At the time of all the chaos, my brother came to me and told me that he had walked in on my husband many years ago having sex with a friend of ours. Husband begged my brother not to tell and promised him it would never happen again. My brother didn't want me to be hurt as then we had two small kids, so he said he would keep the secret unless my husband did it again.I confronted my husband, he laughed and said it was bull. Why would my brother lie. So, after much hell and fighting and talking etc, I decided to give him another chance. I believed I worked my way to forgiving him and putting it behind us. 2 years down the line, I am very unhappy, I feel dead inside. We have slept together about 3 times in this period. I don't feel he wants me. we fight and bicker all the time. I feel I need to make a decision and deep in my heart I think it is over. I am so scared, I don't know what to do....my friends tell me I am a gorgeous woman and would surely find love again. I am scared to stay, but scared to leave. You know the song "Broken Strings by James Morrison" That is how I feel. I think about this all the time. What if I leave him and it is a mistake....but what if I stay in a marriage that is a joke...either way I might be making mistakes....does a leopard ever change its spots. Could he be having another affair, just being more careful....what do I do, it is so hard. In the heat of things it would have been easy to leave him...now it is not so easy...
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female
reader, bitch  +, writes (13 November 2009):
I don't want to sound uncaring but I think your relationship is over based on the fact that you feel dead inside and you cannot trust him and will never trust him again. Not only did he cheat on you, but he won't be truthful and work on your marriage and rebuilding the trust. That is not a good sign. If he is continuing to lie, he is never going to change. You deserve better my friend. You will be ok. You have to take a stand and make a difficult decision. And it will hurt for a while, but you have to drum up support from family and friends and make the decision you know deep inside is the right one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): Think about yourself now. I know it may sound like a cruel thing to do, but for me it worked.
After 6 yrs of marriage, my husband did something close to what yours did, and i felt devastated. After a lot of thinking, i come to a conclusion: im just so mad because of my hurt ego, because the betrayed, but fact is this marriage is over. Then a thought that i could leave him right away, but i would feel lonely and even more miserable, and would probably regret, not because i feel i did wrong, but because i'd feel so crappy. So it wouldn't be any good.
So i decided to forget everything that happened (otherwise i would be miserable hating my husband, and my house would become hell) but at the same time i accepted that this marriage was over.
What i did: i became roommate w him, and opened myself to the world. Took off my wedding ring, and just tried to keep on with life, but free to meet other guy or do whatever i want. I just didnt focus on my husband anymore, focused on work, on happy hours, etc.I dont feel guilty, he did what he had to do, now i m doing what i have to do to get out of this hell less hurt.
After a few months, my confidence was so much better.
After 1yr and half, i met a guy, and we started to talk a lot. I never told him what exactly i was doing, but i made it clear that my marriage was over and it was just a matter of time for me to get my things together. We started dating, after a few months, we decided to move in together and i finally left my roommate that once was my husband.
I know people may say that what i did is unhealthy and all, not ethical, but you know, i was doing everything right in the marriage, i have my needs too, but i kept on going without looking around. He screwed up, he betrayed me. I never lied to him, i told that i just couldnt let go, that the marriage was over, but he couldve acted differently and we couldve gone thought it. but after all the hurt there was no way back but a bitter marriage. So i said we could stick around as roommates and thats all.
Now days I don’t hate him, I think because I never played the victim role, you know? I still love him because of the part he took on my life, just like a friend that was there for me through the years. Now he is living with another woman and everything is fine for both of us. He and I are kind of friends now.
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A
female
reader, Melys +, writes (13 November 2009):
 Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds like an awful situation to be in.
I'm also sorry to hear what your husband of many years has been up to. He seems as though he's not really facing up to it/denying it to a certain extent.
You obviously want him to have counseling or both of you to attend marriage guidence counseling which is understandable, it could help you both rectify this awful situation and understand why this happened etc...and you said he doesn't want to, well you can't force a person to do something they don't want to but I think it's the least he can do! considering how much this has damaged you...I think it's a great idea and could save your marriage...that's if you want to...you must ask yourself if you still love him...where do you see yourself in 5 years time? with him? You mentioned that you feel dead inside and you're unhappy...maybe he hurt you so much that some of the love has gone...but you're scared of moving on without him, you're scared of facing life alone aren't you? I'm not surprised as you've been married for 18 years! wow, that's a long time.
You're only 42, your friends say your gorgeous, so you know there's no doubt of you not finding love again! But you really need to think about you. First decide what you want. I'm sure you children would support your decision to separate. You never know, you may feel free and relieved if you did separate...
If you did leave and realised it is a mistake to leave, then wouldn't you be able to go back? couldn't you tell him you need a break to think? couldn't you go away with a few friends for a weekend? time out really does help you have a clear head. Or, why not you go and have counseling for yourself, that would help you decide whether you should stay or go...
Some leopards do change their spots...but they have to show signs of changing, and at the moment, because your husband refused to go to counseling, he's not really showing it. Do you think he'd have another affair? Do you trust him? as you said you'd forgiven him...and it seems like you're having second thoughts now..
Be a strong woman, maybe have some space from him to think more clearly. No woman deserves her husband cheating on her...maybe he doesn't deserve you...and maybe you deserve to move on with your life, be brave, and eventually you'll find someone who would never ever do that to you.
LOOK AFTER NUMBER ONE....AND THAT'S YOU.
Would be great to hear back from you, let me know how you're getting on. Take care x
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