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What do women mean when they say they only want to be friends cause they are not ready for a relationship?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 January 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've recently started talking to someone, she knows i have strong feelings for her, but she just had her heart broke by a guy and says shes not ready just yet and this is an email she sent to my ex gf who both get on well and are actually talking about me...

I was wondering if anyone could translate this for me as i'm good at understanding what women mean, cause they say one thing and mean another (Most that i have met) no offense ofc, men can be as bad too but i would really appreciate some help and advice thanks

the problem is im not concentrating on relationships and my future at the moment im just doing my work and see what comes next, im not a really plan ahead person, and Ian is the nicest guy ive met but yes there is a chance and no there may not be but its in the middle and its an question that i cant really answer :/, i understand him he really likes me and wants to impress me and show what he really is and i see that, i just want my mates at the moment, not really a relationship, and i know that he would wait for me, but the problem is thats it i dont want him waiting, if he expects something to happen and it doent happen it will really hurt him (not saying there is someone else like).

View related questions: ex girlfriend, my ex

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A male reader, hypno1dr United States +, writes (6 March 2010):

Well, I personally have run this gammit a couple of times. I spent a lot of money ($600 in first month of dating for a couple of different women = $1200)and then all of a sudden they just want to be friends. They also mentioned how the previous guys were jerks, yet they slept with jerks and after i treat them like a princess, they only want friendship. So here's the scoop or poop you don't want to hear. If it appears your buying their affection, it turns them off, especially if your a nice guy. NICE GUYS = being friends... Jerks = getting sex.. you got to decide what you want. You want the woman to be more attracted to you? You want her to desire to be in a relationship with you.? Well, you cant appear needy for them. You have to be more independant and less trying to impress them. It helps to surround your self with more women and dates even if you only want the one. Several women liking one man will make the one you want to try harder and get your attention. Nice guys buy great gifts, go to expensive restaurants..etc..and then you hear how the jerks were cheap, they let the woman pay...etc..but the women always ended up sleeping with them. Myself I got tired of putting out a lot of money, only to be told they want to be friends. Now if they want to be friends, i tell them fine, but it has to be friends with benefits, since I don't want to hear they are dating a jerk and he's getting sex. Women will say they are tired of dating jerks and want a nice guy or gentlman that pays attention to them, that buys them nice things...etc..but they tell those guys when they come into their lives they want to be friends. If a woman wants a guy to be a friends, then she needs to find where gay guys are and ask them, since the nice guys are tired of the crap of spending lots of money, only to be told "lets just be friends"

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A male reader, baddogbj China +, writes (7 January 2010):

baddogbj agony auntIf a girl is attracted to you she will act on it. If she doesn't feel it then everything else is just a rationalisation of the way that she feels. The fact that she may be a sweet and lovely girl doesn't really change the fundamental dynamics of attraction in fact in some ways it makes it worse because she is going to let you down so gently that you don't even realise that she's saying no.

If you want any kind of shot at this girl in the future then stop hanging around her like a lovesick puppy. Go away, develop some other interests and then reappear in her life in a few months time.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (7 January 2010):

k_c100 agony auntI stick by my original answer - she doesnt want a relationship right now and probably not for a good while so move on. While she might be a lovely person, the nicest girl you have ever met etc there are plenty of other great girls out there that you just havent met yet.

If this girl has only been single for 7 weeks and is concentrating on exams, then there really is no hope for you. She doesnt feel strongly enough for you to want to be in a relationship with you - if she was really into you then she would think "ok even though my break-up was tough and I have exams, I like this guy so much I dont want to miss the opportunity with him". However she is not thinking that - she is thinking that she doesnt really want you to wait around for her - therefore her feelings for you are not particularly strong. She doesnt care if she misses out on being with you, she just wants to focus on her exams and sorting her head out after the break-up.

You have no hope to cling onto in my opinion, pursuing this girl is not going to get you anywhere.

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A female reader, Cookie123 United Kingdom +, writes (7 January 2010):

You don't want to be the rebound, if he hearts still mending itself you need to step back for a while. It can take a long time for a heart to heal. If she's worth it you'll wait. Just be there for her when, be a friend for now, if she's a nice enough person you'll appreciate just having her in your life at all. Respect the girl and leave her to feel better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay, but what are the chances of her genuinly not wanting a relationship right now as her Exams are really close and she wants to concentrate on them and her hearts still broke because she really loved the last guy, Before i told her how i felt she said she mainly looks for personality, Refering to "the nicest guy ive met" meaning my personality...Also she use to like me and i use to like her before her ex and my ex an all that we both new we just never did anything, We only started talking again 2-3 weeks ago and already recieved a christmas present, I took her out to the cinema and something to eat, i payed but she didnt want me to do so its not like shes after money and she does alot of charity work and looks after elderly people voluntary and she only split with her ex about 7 weeks ago so could it just be that she really does not want anyone while her hearts still broke?

I didnt really make what type of person she was clear before and i aplogise as you can understand this as been going round in my head so am sort of confused and shes the only thing i can think about, it really his hard to focus on anything, even something as simple as writing a question or an email.

If i know thats the case and she just doesnt want anyone right now, I'd wait but all i get is "i dont know yet, i dont want to say yes and i dont want to say no because my mind or feelings can change so from now until when i want a relationship so i cant give a definate answer", She's the only person i feel i can trust and in my eyes a girl that does stuff for charity and doesnt want to accept money for herself and puts everyone before her is someone you want to keep hold of and worth the wait?

Now that you have heard abit more about her, Would your opinion change or would it remain the same? "Move on, Literally"

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (6 January 2010):

Yos agony auntThe other's are right. She's not into you.

A tip:

"I understand him he really likes me and wants to impress me and show what he really is and i see that"

Sounds like you've been trying a bit too hard.

Whilst it's good to let a girl know you 'maybe like her', the 'maybe' part is important. Laying all your cards on the table is a high risk move that usually doesn't pay off. Women like to be chased, but they also like a bit of mystery too. Too much chase with not enough mystery and she'll intuit that you're not strong, independent and confident enough, which is a turn-off.

I just probably add that that last paragraph is very loaded with generalisations!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2010):

It's a polite, gentle way of letting you down. This isn't going anywhere, so you need to move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010):

Move on, it's not going to happen. Your timing was wrong and she's not interested.

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A male reader, baddogbj China +, writes (6 January 2010):

baddogbj agony auntShe feels that you are a nice guy but she doesn't feel any gut level attraction for you.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2010):

k_c100 agony auntI'm afraid there is nothing to understand here - she means literally what she said. So to put it simply SHE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

She is being very sensible in her situation - she is still getting over her ex and she needs some more time for that. She also wants to focus on her work and her future - therefore she does not want a man in her life to distract her from her goals.

I think you just need to accept that you will never get anywhere with this girl and move on, you are wasting your time chasing after some girl that has not got her head in the right place for a relationship.

There really is nothing more to decode from this email, it really does mean exactly what is said. So you can try and find another meaning in there all you want but that would just give you false hope.

Move on and find a girl who does want a relationship, rather than one that wants to be single for a while.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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