A
female
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anonymous
writes:My bf wants me to spend Christmas with him and his family, and although I really want to share that occasion with him, at the same time I want to be with my family. The decision wouldnt be so hard if it wasnt for my bfs drinking problem. I am sick of special occasions ending in tears because of his drinking problem. He comes from a family of alcoholics. So I would be surrounded by them. But my bf is the worst becaue he becomes abusive when he drinks alot. I dont want to look back ony my 2009 Christmas and remmeber it like this.What do i do? My bf is making me feel bad for considering spending christmas with my family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): Stick to your point with him. Sithim down. He has a problem. He needs to deal with it or you two are over. It's not a threat, it's how any relationship works. If he's not good to you you can't be together, simple as that. His drinking is controlling the relationship and it shouldn't be like that.
There are contact phones you can call about problems. Find one in your area. Call an organization that deals with alcoholism (try to avoid the overly religious ones as he already think it's just prudish not to drink). These people would surely be able to give you guidelines. Also, if the drinking is so bad that it has a negative effect on his life and he might risk his life for it, it's possible to have him forced into treatment.
Do not spend the holidays with his family. And tell him very clearly why. If he can't respect your reasons why, I really dont think you should be with this man. You gave it your best and offered to help, but you can nothelp unless he wants to help himself. And until he realizes he has a problem, this wont stop.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have brought up the topic of his drinking, by saying that when he drinks he treats me badly. He doesnt realise that the amount of alcohol he drinks is not healthy (my doctor even told me it was pretty bad the amount he drinks), and I also dont think he honestly realises or remembers how nasty he gets when he drinks. He never seems to remember much when he drinks...but then again, I have to ask myself does he just pretend to not remember to excuse his behaviour?
I know his family are alcoholics because I havent spent alot of time with them and have seen their attitudes towards alcohol and the amount they drink. They dont become abusive like my bf though, although, who knows what they are like behind closed doors...thats when my bf becomes abusive.
When I try to talk to him about it, he tries to shift the focus onto me and make me out to be some overly goody goody christian who needs to just "lighten up".
I honestly dont think he realises he has a problem because he has been brought up like this. His family are like this and he is surrounded by friends who are similar too. And so if he doesnt realise he has a problem, how will he ever get better or help? To him, I am just weird and an "outcast" from his family's point of view because I dont drink excessive amounts like them. I never feel safe out with him and his family because they drink so much, someone always ends up physically hurt or their is always some big drama, because no one is looking out for each other, I am the only one who is sober enough and I feel liek I have to parent everyone. To me, it feels wrong because I am only 20 years old and I feel responsbile for my bf, his family and his parents. No one is looking out for me.
I invited my bf to my place for christmas but he says he has to spend it with his family. I told him that even though I really want to spend christmas with him, I also want to spend it with my family. I havent given him my final decision yet. I told him ill think about it. So I dont know what to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): Invite him to spend the holidays with you and your family instead? Have you had the talk about his drinking problem? If there is no solution, and his problem will always be there, is this a permanent solution for you two, him celebrating with his family and you with yours every Christmas?
What do you know about his family really? Is he telling you they are all alcoholics to excuse his own drinking, are they recovering from it (in that case his family could be of good support in making him quit drinking)? Do you know them, or is your impression based on what your boyfriend has told you alone?
I'd say it's pretty hurtful when the one you love dosnt want to spend the holiday with you. But after all you do have good reason not to, I just hope you've told him the reasons and that he understands them.
But if you can't spend the holidays with him, ever, is he really a man for you?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 BF who is an abusive alcoholic.
I wouldn't spend any time with him, period.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 November 2009):
His behaviour is not acceptable in the slightest. Not only does he have a problem with drinking, as does his family, but he's also abusive and to top it off is making you feel guilt for wanting to spend it with your family. I would say that you need to address whether you want to stay in this relationship to be honest. You can't do a thing about his drinking, he must face that himself. And if he doesn't, he's no good for you. I would suggest you tell him you want to spend it with your family, and do a lot of thinking, because he doesn't sound all that great if he's trying to make you feel guilty. He must face his drinking demons before you make any further commitment.
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