A
female
age
41-50,
*nnieV1979
writes:I wrote in before about whether or not to meet an old classmate who wasn't nice to me and wants to make amends. I've decided to meet him (whenever that will be) but now I don't know what to talk about. Since HS I've had a string of very controlling exes including a husband who felt he owned me and two more exes who pimped me out. I know not to bring that up.I've also had a son I raised until age 11 before foster care took him while I was in prison and then I placed him with his paternal grandparents when he was 14. (My mother is dead and my father is very sweet but has dementia). I've always been in contact with Anthony through it all and I've never beaten him, never insulted him or starved him. I've been an active crack addict and spent time in prison, jail, rehabs and halfway houses. I've worked respectable jobs (STNA, medical secretary, massage therapist assistant) and I've worked not-so-respetable jobs (stripper, nude model, booster, prostitute). I've had stints of sobriety and stints of sleeping on bus benches. I've been through a lot. I'm now getting my own apartment and planning to go to school to study business communication and Grant writing. In the future, I'd like to help people start their own businesses, especially those with records who may not be given a chance.I'll be there to watch my son graduate high school and go on to join the US Navy. Anthony is very artistic and he's good with computer arts as well as swimming, running, shooting, and he's worked with a landscaper and will be getting into UPS with his grandfather. I didn't have as much a part in this as I would have liked.Currently I live in a temporary apartment for felons who are trying to transition back into normal life and I work the front desk at a science museum for little more than minimum wage. I got a lot of my record expunged, I've paid off most of my fines and I'm caught up on child support.Those aren't things I can talk about. So what CAN I talk about?
View related questions:
in jail, navy, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 February 2020):
 Congratulations on turning your life around! That was not an easy task and many people would have just given up but you made it! Be proud of how far you have come. Just remember that although people have a tendency to judge, no one has the right. Walk a mile in my shoes...
I am going to tell you my feelings about your situation and obviously you should do what you think is best but I would not meet this man. The whole thing just makes me uncomfortable thinking about it. I don't trust people so easily especially those that were unkind in the past.
I agree with Code Warrior. I don't live in the past. I live in the here and now and look to the future. Delving in the past does nothing and often brings back up old memories which can be quite painful. WHY do you feel the need to meet him? I just would not. I moved 2000 miles away after I graduated from high school and tbh I could care less what any of those people from my high school are doing. I wish them well but I have my life, they have theirs.
PLEASE if you do decide to meet him, do it in a very public place. Tell someone where you are, have your cell phone with you at all times and leave if you feel any little bit uncomfortable. As for conversation, you've been given excellent advice already. Your past is none of his business and if he tried to bring it up, I'd make it very clear that you made mistakes and have moved on. END OF STORY. Talk about safe subjects such as your children, weather, anything that isn't too personal.
Good luck OP and be careful. I always prefer to be safe rather than sorry. You truly don't know this man..only what he wants you to know. He may just feel bad about the past and his intentions are good, and then again...maybe not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2020): I would do yourself a favour and decline from meeting him.
Meeting someone from the past can awaken a while lot of feelings from the past and often times those are feelings you later wish you need never revisit.
You could imagine linking up would be a great experience but personally I can imagine it to be the complete opposite.
I caution you against meeting because you have done soon much off your own bat, both good and bad and I fail to see what this figure from the past could bring to your life.
Remember how Janis Joplin revisited a high school reunion.
She was a mega star by then!
But the small time mentality she was subjected to destroyed her last vestige of confidence and she died from an overdose less than two weeks later.
So I would caution you to stay away from this guy unless he's turned into Jesus Christ himself because he could do more harm than good.
You don't need his coffee.
You don't need his opinion.
You don't need his money.
You just need your own self respect so please don't put it on the line for anyone at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2020):
 I will also ask WHY you think meeting up IS the right thing (for you)?
I can see WHY he might want meet up so he (perhaps) can clear his conscience for being a prick to you, but you DO NOT OWE this man anything. Not what you have been though, not time, energy or anything else, really.
And I can see why you are perhaps curious and want to wipe the past clear for your own sake when it comes to this high school bully. BUT when I read this post (yes, I read and answered on your first one too) I think you might not be (yet) the best judge of men. And I can see why it would be "nice" (in a sense) to meet up with someone who knew you BEFORE all the bad stuff happened. But IS he really the right one for that?
Consider this, WHAT would you get out of meeting up with him?
It's kind of too late to really confront his past behavior and you ALREADY forgave him.
If you don't know what to talk to him about... what is the point?
I do think someone who was a bully in HS can grow and mature into a better person. But YOU have come SO far, been through so much maybe inviting in a person you REALLY don't know (except from social media and we ALL know people don't post the whole truth on there) maybe it's better to just FOCUS on your own future and that of your son's? On improving contact and the relationship between you and your son?
Think about it. WHAT are your own motivations for wanting to meet?
Are those in YOUR best interest?
And if you DO end up deciding to meet, find a place YOU feel comfortable with, a PUBLIC place, DO NOT involve alcohol and be OK with getting up and leaving if it turns into "inappropriate" behavior. (like with him propositioning you) or anything else you don't want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2020): I agree with Youcannotbeserious.
First of all, you should be proud of yourself, finding a way to make a great change in your life.
Second of all, WHY do you want to meet with this person?
Him making amends has to do with HIM wanting to feel better. It has nothing to do with you.
Why would you want to meet someone you cannot trust?
Someone who makes you feel ashamed of your past or current situation?
You owned your mistakes, bad choices and your life in general. That's a tough thing to do. I understand that you don't want to advertise your past, BUT, if you have a choice of meeting or not with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, I say don't meet him!
Even if he has evolved, changed, grew into a better person, he would still want to know about you and even if you tell him that you don't want to talk about yourself that would only make things weird and he would get probably even more curious.
And I also agree with Youcannotbeserious, when she says that maybe he wants to use your past against you.Don't put yourself in a bad situation!!! You are strong, but don't test your strength unless your really have to.
You know how (some) people are. They don't let you change. They want to keep you forever in whatever box suits them. If he saw you as a "pray" when you were in school and abused you, there's a risk that he may still try to treat you that way, especially if he found out that you were a sex worker, a stripper... Some people believe that they have the right to mistreat others who chose to (or have to) work in that line of work.
If he really wanted to make amends, he could have sent you an email saying what he has to say.
I don't know how he found you and got your contact. But he could have used the same thing to write to you and tell you how sorry he is and for what.
As a recovering addict you are also fragile. Don't put yourself in a situation that can make it hard for you to keep fighting that monster (addiction) off.
There's a reason why you kept making bad choices, like taking drugs and being with controlling and abusive partners.
This too is about control. A person who abused you all of a sudden wants to make amends and despite you feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation, you still want to see him, just because he wants to.
I'd tell him, in a polite way, that if he really needs to get things off his chest, he can send me an email which I would gladly read.
Now, when I said there's a reason for the way you acted the way you did. I don't know what it is. I don't know if you know. Do you have any issues (personality disorder like borderline,ADHD, bipolar, PTSD from traumatic childhood...)? Usually people whose lives take the route yours had, deal with some underlying issues(s) and that can make them a target until they become aware of "what lies beneath" and learn how to deal with it.
I cannot underline enough how unhealthy it is to say yes to anything that is putting us in an uncomfortable situation when it can be avoided. There are some stressors we cannot avoid, but in your case, your "friend's" invitation is not one of them. It is completely avoidable.
If you would like to see him, find out why you would want to see your abuser (Stockholm Syndrome?). Because they way you put it, you feel "less than", and this is not a story where you're meeting your abuser on your terms to show him how strong you are. You don't feel strong when he's around, your post says as much.
If you think that it is not ok to refuse an invitation or change your mind once you accepted, ask yourself why you feel/think that. Why did you accept the abusive and controlling behavior of your exes?
Because there's nothing more natural than not wanting to see someone who has hurt you (unless you have some unresolved issues I asked about) or refuse anything that makes you need to lie about who you are.
Please do not identify yourself with him. Please do not think that just because you had made some bad choices and maybe started to find some redemption, now you cannot refuse someone who's asking for your forgiveness. You are not him. You can still forgive him and let him make amends without actually putting yourself in harm's way.
I cannot find truer words to end this, so I'll gratefully borrow from Youcannotbeserious; I too don't know you, but I felt pride after having read your honest overview of your past and how you managed to pull through.
Look forward. Don't look back. Past is past and that's where your classmate belongs to.
Good luck with you future endeavors!
...............................
A
female
reader, AnnieV1979 +, writes (3 February 2020):
AnnieV1979 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Youcannotbeserious, this is my original post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-meet-with-him-but-dont.html.
I do have some paranoia that he will proposition me but he seems honestly sorry. For clarification, I no longer live in KY, I live three states away and my son visits for times a year.
I
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 February 2020):
 First of all, a big "well done" for turning your life around. That cannot have been easy. You have so much to be proud of. Keep up the good work, for yourself and your lovely son.
Rather than trying to give you advice, I am going to ask you a couple of questions which came into my mind as I was reading your post.
1. Do you really think it is a good idea for you to meet up with this guy?
2. He was nasty to you in the past. Why the sudden apparent "change of heart"?
3. Is it possible he has found out about your past and wants to use it against you?
Please please PLEASE be very careful and don't open yourself up to being abused again. You have had a lifetime of that. You are a strong woman and deserve so much better for your future. Don't jeopardize is by letting some scumbag use you for their own ends again.
Wishing you all the very best. I don't know you but I feel proud of you.
...............................
|
