A
female
age
30-35,
*lackroses89
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles. Normally I dont post things on the internet asking for the help of perfect strangers, but I have a couple questions and situations that I feel like Im acting childish about, but still cant help but disagree, and am not sure how to broach it. I apologize because this is extremely long-winded. A little backround on me. Ill be 31 next weekend (ouch) I was with my ex husband 7 years, we have 3 children together. The relationship was chaotic and abusive at best, so our low points were much lower. We split 3 years ago and as of May have been divorced for a year, though it took about 2 paperwork. Lots of issues there with custody orders court and police. Its pretty messy. Im an only child and my mom is sadly in assisted living, too. So not much support there. So now for questions.My boyfriend and I have been together for a year in April. We both have children from previous relationships. The dynamic with his ex, though they did go through A LOT of shit, is now pretty amicable. She lives out of state and stays when she visits the kids, and while weve had our issues, we all get along fairly well. We do it for the kids (2 and 4, so little littles) So that situation is a bit different, but it works for us. My stupid question in regards to my bday gift. So we have about 6 birthdays 2 weeks of each other, including mine, his and his ex. My bf is a tattoo artist. Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to get the tattoo I was thinking of. I was excited, but then his ex actually asked him since she did a good job on his bday gift if she could have the tattoo shed been wanting. Thats all well and fine, but now it doesnt feel as meaningful if she also gets a tat when our bdays are days apart and I feel like Im acting childish too. I mean is it normal to feel like this? (Im sorry to ask how it is to be normal but Ive been surrounded with mental instability all of my life, so I dont always see whats a normal behavior or feeling and what isnt) I normally dont get gifts or celebrate my birthday, so it hurts a little. But I figured he would just give her hers, I have no qualmbs with it and that he and I can do something else. No big deal right? But I also dont know how to broach it because I dont want to come off as rude or unappreciative, that that isnt the case at all...Now question 2 regarding boundries. Ive never been good with boundries and it has to do a lot with how I grew up. Ive been a lot better. In the time between leaving my husband and meeting my boyfriend, I dated another man, we will call him N. It wasnt supposed to be serious bc i was in the process of moving for my children and just getting things in order as a lot of changes had to be made. He ended up leaving me in a terrible way. Well weve been split for two years and this guy keeps texting me. Im not actually able to block numbers on my phone, but I can mute them. I have told him to stop, many times. Over the course of last year he texted me at least 5 times and it always ends up being really long winded. I asked him not to call or text, my boyfriend asked him not to call or text and N will leave me alone for a few months at a time. Then hit me up either saying hes in my area (wierd, bc he lives 2 hours away in one direction and goes away to school about 4 hours away in the opposite direction...) he will ask me to stop by, and if I still have a boyfriend. My current boyfriend thinks that I should take legal action if he hits me up again since Ive told him to leave me alone so often. Hes already hit me up twice this year alone,(2020) in january and I just kind of dont know what to about it? I personally feel like I should just not reply and leave it be the less attention the less texts but, my boyfriend feels like no means no and I need to DO something about it. Its stressful because Im already going through the courts for my exhusband, who is unstable. As in an entire weekend of dealing with police, unstable. He gets the kids every other weekend and nothing can ever be simple. Not. Ever. So with that on top of this and dealing with N, it just adds to the stress. Thank you for reading and again Im so sorry for the novel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"He's nice only to make you let your guard down."
Sweetheart, you're going through some things right-now. It's good for you to vent your feelings. Coming to DC got me through being dumped and blindsided. That's what we're here for. You're anonymous, no one knows you; but we're here for you. Life's a mess when people breakup or divorce; and it's more complicated when there are kids involved.
Write as often as you need to! The writing is therapeutic!
God bless and comfort you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2020): Like I said, your present boyfriend will tire of all the chaos in your life.
You're engaging your ex , and trying to argue points with him; in doing so, he's pulling you into his world of trouble and commotion. Which makes it look like you're indecisive and you're both volatile, and unfit as a parents. He's baiting you. He nice only to make you let your guard down. He's also jealous you have a boyfriend. That explains the erratic behavior.
I can't stress this enough. Do everything through the courts, and don't talk to him. You can't hide the fact that you are temperamental in your own ways; and you try to be confrontational with your ex. You are are part of the drama. The children love their dad, but who's the adult here? If they're acting-out, don't blame it all on their father. It's seeing both of you go at it.
Let the children see their father during scheduled-visits; and you be as invisible as you can. When he comes for them, have them ready to go; and don't say anything to him, unless he has a question specifically regarding the children.
Your life is out of order, and that's what's upsetting the children. When YOU stop trying to confront your ex, and stop going for the bait; you'll notice things will simmer down. You are both still harboring animosity towards each other; and in spite of mediation, police, family court and the other authorities standing between you, you still go at each other. That's your problem!
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 February 2020):
 Samsung Galaxy S9 / S9+ - Block / Unblock Numbers
Add Block
From a Home screen, tap the Phone icon Phone icon.
Note If unavailable, swipe up or down from the center of the display then tap Phone Phone icon.
Note These instructions only apply to Standard mode and the default Home screen layout.
Tap the Menu icon Menu icon (upper-right).
Tap Settings.
Tap Block numbers.
Enter the 10-digit number then tap the Plus icon (+) located on the right or tap Contacts then select the desired contact.
Note To block or unblock unknown calls, tap the Block unknown callers switch to turn on Switch on or off Switch off.
This is what I got when I googled Block on a Samsung Galaxy S9
Maybe try that, first?
But also, getting a new number/sim card can fix a LOT you can keep your phone and HE can't call you. Since your phone is so new that might be something to consider.
I have a Samsung Galaxy too, but I think mine is a 6? or 7? And it can block. So yours SHOULD in theory be able to do it too.
Just make sure you keep that Parent APP on (re download) so your ex can still communicate with you. No need to give him any ammo, right?
Take the advice you were given and TALK to Mediation. While being a dick isn't illegal neither is saying dick'ish things, he seems to have some mental issues that perhaps is NOT healthy for the kids to be around. Kids are little sponges. They pick up EVERYTHING. So while they might utter something "misogynistic" they may not understand 1. where it's coming from and 2. what it actually means. Which means you should have a chat with your kids about statements they might hear around their dad. It might also be that HE needs to have supervised visits for a while. Something to think on.
Mediation is FOR the BEST interest of the kids.
As for vaping around the kids? Why risk it? I would talk to your BF and maybe he can step OUT when he feels a need to vape. NOT because your ex brought it up, but because it's common sense. Vaping seems to not be so "innocent" as it was first "sold" to the public as.
And don't feel bad for giving more background or needing to vent, go over thoughts in written form here on DC. It's what this place is for. We will try and help, suggest, advice what we feel can be helpful (some of it may be, some of it might not.) YOU get to pick what you can "use".
Chin up. And Thank you for the update.
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reader, Blackroses89 +, writes (4 February 2020):
Blackroses89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question First off, THANK YOU for all the replies! So funny thi g about my phone is that its actually pretty new. Its a Samsung Galaxy 9. It will allow me to mute conversations, but I cant actually block the number. Ive looked it up online and went in to verizon. In mute it will forward the call to voice mail, or send me a text with out notification. Im really considering everyones advice and the steps to take. Obviously Ill keep trying to figure out how to block numbers, I hate to get a new one after 13 years but my relationship is sooooo much more important and N needs to stop. I never ever expected any of this from him, as he had told me he doesnt stay friends with exes, and he left me after a year and half and had pretty much moved on before I had any idea he was with someone else. I didnt realize Id have to set boundries like this with him... Its kind of a shock that hes behaving this way tbh. I will have to change my number if he contacts me again and probably should make an incident report... Thanks to all of your advice. Thats the next steps for that.
As for my ex husband... I was 20 and thought it was love, when really it was a toxic cycle that took me 7 years to break. He tries to insert himself and it makes things worse. He can be fine for months. Then all of sudden, he gets something in his head and BOLTS. We have been having more of those episodes and I put my foot down over the weekend. He thought my drivers license was suspended, and just went off. He was trying to say child support contacted him and told him, which of course is illegal, and just not even rational. I had the police run my license, earlier in the day, all free and clear; and the officer that did the civil stand by wouldnt even run my license in front of him because his behavior was irratic. Its bordering on the line of contacting mediation and asking for supervised visits. Ive caught my kids saying some REALLY horribly misogynistic things. My oldest and youngest have been having behavioral junk and behaviors are starting to get worse the weekends hes with them. Im hoping it wont come to that but... like when hes fine, hes fine but when he goes off he just loses it... fortunately the police are seeing more of it. Today he was acting like my best buddy. Although he still is accusing me of driving on a suspended license, and then he added to that, it went as far as Im abusing my children by the way I discipline (time outs and talking through things) and that my boyfriend is vaping in front of them, so hes abusing them too. That was all yesterday after the second civil stand by for return puck up, where he also got mouthy with the officers. It was just all out of left field. They told me to go ahead and leave and for him to wait bc of how he was arguing. It is extremely bizarre if you actually read the conversations in the app. Its like a freaking switch. We communicate over a parenting application, hes not allowed to text me without consent, due to how he goes off. Its not quite harrassment by police standards, but it is a violation as far as family court is concerned. So, we are still figuring out how to juggle that. I was told I could contact mediation and switch some things around. He isnt hurting our kids physically or anything like that, and he doesnt neglect them but his attitude... is just not right. And don't get me wrong, Im no perfect parent, but Ilove my kids. Part of the reason Im hesitant to follow through with changing things in mediation, is because theylove their dad. They only spend what, 6 days out of the entire month with him... but I also know his true colors and dont want my babies to be the man he is. I just want things to be ammicable, all of this is so stressful and in many ways Im "jealous" of my bf and his exes coparenting relationship. Theyve had some things go down and had to go through court too at first, but they are amicable and can get along, and I strive for that. I want it so badly in dealing with my own custody situation and Im coming to terms with the fact that it just is not the same...
I dont know why Im posting my freaking life story, I apologize. Ive been coming to terms with a lot of things lately. Going through it is one thing but actually dealing with things and coming to terms with what you cant change is quite another. But I so appreciate your responses and reading my long winded question& comment. Thank you very much. 3
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2020): The birthday issue is simple. Wait! Don't get your tat until next month. Let a bit of time pass, and be absolutely sure that you want a tattoo. Sometimes we set our hearts on things; and at the moment of truth, we decide....NAH!
Look at a few images and patterns, and give them some deep thought and consideration; and be sure of what you want inked into your skin for all duration. Fate sometimes steps in to delay something for a reason. Sometimes it's divine-intervention.
Waiting a month also makes it feel like a fresh idea. Everything doesn't have to be right on your birthday. You'll get other gifts, and you can celebrate on your actual DOB. I've gotten and given belated-birthday gifts lots of times. In fact, my sister sent me a fancy new iPhone last week; but my actual birthday was a couple of weeks ago! Still can't give-up my old faithful phone. It's tried and true!
You must have a very simplistic no-frills phone plan; or a very outdated phone, if you can't block calls. Maybe you don't know how?
Don't be too proud to ask someone to show you how to block calls. Otherwise, you need to upgrade your phone; and you may as well change your number while you're at it.
Your boyfriend is correct that it's time to report the guy who keeps texting you. You apparently have a thing for bad-boys, or you wouldn't be dealing with all these crazy dingbats. If you do nothing, you're prolonging the misery and frustration. Your present boyfriend will get tired of all that drama from your past; and it will erode your present relationship.
As for the ex/baby-daddy drama; just let him pickup his kids, and stop giving him the drama he's asking for. He wants to stir-up trouble, and you let your emotions get the better of you. Yes, he's troublesome, but you do have a man to stand between you...well for as long as he's willing to put-up with this mess.
If he's hassling you, then get a restraining order and keep renewing it until you can stop tangling with him.
It takes two, and crazy nut-bags need feedback to fuel their trouble-making. They stop when they lose control over your emotions; and can't intimidate you anymore. You may call the police (when things have escalated completely out-of-control); but 9 times out of 10, you're probably dealing with him one-on-one more than you should be.
You can't have volatile-exchanges with a violent and unreasonable-dipstick! If you're both using the kids for pawns, you're provoking one-another...and he will never run out reasons to screw with you! His objective is to make your life so tumultuous; your boyfriend will throw up his hands, and ditch you! So you better get your life in order! Enough is enough!
I'm not saying it's your fault, don't take it that way; but it's hard not to go-off on a jerk who knows exactly how to push your buttons! Minimize your exposure to him. Don't engage him in arguments! If you're temperamental and hot-tempered, you're both matches and dynamite!
Have as little contact as possible. Use the courts, law-enforcement, and child-support authorities to settle your issues. You can't solve anything yourself! If he's late with support payments, or you need more money; go through child-support authorities. Don't get on the phone and have nasty fights and yelling sessions. I've witnessed it through co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances. It's a constant back and forth, and if you don't put an end to it; it goes on and on and on! Your jealousy when he's dating, and anger from the past makes you want revenge and to punish him. You'll have to move on beyond that, or don't pull a boyfriend into your disorderly life, just to have yet another broken-relationship to recover from!
The less you have to do with your baby-daddy, the better. You both use the children back and forth, you don't think he deserves to see them; but if he has visitation-rights, the court didn't see it that way. They are his too! If he poses any danger to them; then do something effective through law-enforcement, and stop messing around. Protect your kids, and protect yourself. If he's good with the kids, and doesn't like you; you can't punish him for that. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2020):
As far as N goes, GET a new phone/ or number. That will sort itself out. If he does know where you live, you CAN make the choice (if he shows up out of the blue) to not open the door and CALL the police.
While he IS annoying if his texts aren't really what Police would call harassing. Not sure there is much you CAN do as far as legal actions. So I'm not sure you could get much help there. Which is why I say GET a new phone or change your number.
Just not replying isn't working for you.
The thing is YOU can't ALWAYS make other people DO what you want. You know this. Especially from your first marriage. So again, new phone/number. It is a FAIRLY easy fix.
You could talk to your BF and maybe suggest he could help you with a new phone instead of the tattoo, that way you get something for your birthday that you need and he isn't doing for someone else too. I wouldn't suggest asking him to fork over a a new phone but perhaps HELP you buy a new one, if money is tight. OR a new SIM card for your old one with a new number.
I can see WHY you feel the offer of a tattoo seem less personal when he also "gives" that to his ex. I get it, it feels less special. However, THIS is his area of expertise, tattoo artist. When he inks you it's a part of him ON you. (just don't do names, ok?) So I think it IS pretty special no matter WHO he tattoos. It's something he is good at (I hope) so you know you would get a quality tattoo from someone who did it out of love. I think that IS pretty special, even if SHE asked for one too.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (3 February 2020):
 What sort of phone do you have that can't block numbers? Most phones these days can block easily enough. Can you not invest in a new phone which CAN block? Basic older models can be bought very cheaply these days. That would solve your problem.
In the meantime, I agree with YOU that you should just ignore the texts. Send your ex one last text to say you are blocking his number and then never reply again. He will never know. He will soon get bored. I wouldn't even read his texts. Just delete as soon as you see they are from him. Replying to him is giving him hope. This guy obviously does not understand the meaning of "no".
Regarding the birthday present, could you have the tattoo done for a different occasion maybe, like Valentine's day or the anniversary of when you met your boyfriend?
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