A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend so much. We're only seventeen but have been together for almost a year and a half. We broke up for about two months near the start of the year and both saw other people during that time. We broke up basically because we argued so much.My boyfriend has never had a girlfriend who hasnt cheated on him except me, naturally hes very insecure. So when i went on holiday with my parents and my friend last year, there was an incident where this boy we had become friendly with kissed me. I really wasnt expecting it, and pushed him off me. My friend and i left the place after that. As soon as i saw my boyfriend when i got home i told him what had happened. To me, i hadnt done anything wrong, and i didnt want to keep it from him because that would suggest i had something to hide. I wanted to be completely honest so he trusted me.As expected at first he was mad, but he believed me and came round aslong as i promised it would never happen again.That was june last year.By the end febuary we broke, back together for a week and off again. I started seeing another boy but quickly ended it. I was so destraught about my ex, it was fair to involve someone else until i was over him. When we were apart i was so low, i harmed myself, got leglessly drunk, ran away, just went off the rails really. I couldnt handle it. He hated me. Then we he got a new girlfriend things got worse. That ended and he found a new girl, one that wasnt my friend exactly but was in a close socail circle to me. At school, he could see me watching him. I over heard him talking about moving far away to go to uni and immediately burst into tears. i deleted his facebook, blocked his msn, deleted his number, it was just to difficult to see him with someone else, to hear him move away where id never see him again.The night before i was due to go on holiday for a weekend, i decided it wouldnt do any harm to accept his request on fb (he was constantly adding me). To my surprise he immediately started to talk to me. He asked why i always looked sad and my answer was simple: i loved him and was devastated it had come to this. He told me he loved me too, he had ended it with this girl because he loved me so much and he wanted me back. We both agreed we couldnt jump into this, we had ended for a reason, and that we would talk when we got back.On holiday, i was drunk and kissed a boy. It wasnt til after we got back together that my boyfriend found this out. He classes this as cheating. He said he doesnt understand how i can tell him i love him then forget about him in an instant. But it wasnt like that to me, i do love him, with all my heart!! It was a whim. A menaingless bit of fun. We werent together at the time, i didnt see the harm. I dont normally do that sort of thing anyway, even when i am single! i go out to have fun with my friends not to kiss boys. I regret this so much because he wont let it go. Dont get me wrong, i understand how he feels, if it were the other way about id be so hurt.We're still together, still in love but its difficult. He doesnt trust me at all. Understandable. Im going on a group holiday with friends in a few weeks and hes not happy about it at all. Its like hes expecting me to cheat on him. It really upsets me that he thinks im like that. He says that its all alcohol related, when im drunk i wont know what im doing and ill hurt him, and if i hurt him he'll leave me. He gets so upset when talking about it he cries, he said he doesnt mind getting hurt, its the losing me that will kill him. I will not cheat. I love him so much, for one, i dont want to hurt him and two, hes the only one i want to kiss. As for the alcohol, im not going to lie to him and say i wont have any! its a girls holiday of course i will, but ive completely learned my lesson with that, id never let myself get in a state where i dont know what im doing, where i cant control the situation. Ive seen first hand what can happen to people and its scared me enough that i wont let it happen to myself.I really need help. How can i reassure him? Im worried that hes so sure this is going to happen that even when i come back and tell him nothing happened he wont believe me and leave me. If he leaves ill become the same broken person i was last time. I cant lose him. I love him so much, how can i show him hes the only one i want? How do i make him realise im not like the rest, i care about him and i am never going to hurt him? Its a big problem between us, please help!! :(
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broke up, drunk, facebook, got back together, insecure, msn, my ex, never had a girlfriend, on holiday Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I don't really agree with Jennie. You shouldn't have to stop drinking completely and you do seem to recognise that you need to maybe control your drinking; ie, stop before your out of control. I do however agree that in the circumstances you probably should try and keep in contact. I wouldn't ring him all the time but keep txting or im'ing and ring if you feel the occasion demands it. Having said that; although, I wouldn't ring him several times a night you might want to ring him every night for at least a little time so he has the reassurance of that contact too.
You need to rebuild the trust you have lost and this will take time but you need to do this in a way which doesn't make the relationship imprisoning. Obviously, as you say, he has grounds to feel you may cheat so its not an irrational fear (though what you did is something of a grey area, I can understand why he reacted the way he did). It seems to me he has also accumulated some baggage over his previous relationships as well and this you need to work on together.
In time, if you work hard then the trust should return; the key thing is communication and you will have to constantly reassure him and tell him the same things. When he can see your words match your deeds, the trust will slowly grow again. Good luck :)x
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 If you love him enough, you can withstand peer pressure to drink and just explain to your friends and why you couldn't. For people who tell you it's rude to refuse a drink, to hell with them. Call him few times that night to make sure he is feeling okay.
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