A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:7 years into a relationship and no proposal... I don't know what to do. up until last year I have had no real urge to get married but since hitting 34 I just feel a need to settle. My boyfriend and I get on brilliantly. We've travelled a lot and lived abroad and so up until now marriage hasn't been huge on the agenda however it is now for me. All of our friends are now married, most on 2nd kids. I have told him how I feel and he says he will propose, he just needs to find the right opportunity in a place that means something to us. We've been to prague and lovely walks in the south downs in the past 2 months but no proposal although whilst in Prague he brought up the whole marriage thing and we discussed where/when we'd get married etc... but nothing since then! I'm so upset now - I have my family and friends literally sitting by the phone everytime its a long w/end like this one. I feel so hurt and wonder what it is thats stopping him. Even his male friends are so annoyed with him for not having got his act together. So where I am at the moment is I was thinking of going to Brighton this coming weekend and just taking time out to get my head together. I have spoken with a friend and she has told me that I can stay with herself and her husband as long as I need to which is a relief to have somewhere to go. I just dont know how to do this and get the right effect. I mean I need to do it knowing that this could be the end and realise that. I dont want to be a drama queen either so its getting the right balance. Please don't reply to this just by telling me to up and leave - its such a hard decision to do and unless you've been in this situation you don't realise that you need to be quite brave because therés no going back once you shut the door ... please be sensitive in your replies because this is quite hard for me ... xx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(I clicked send but hadn't finished my response!!)
I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same situation as I was & you sound a bit down about it. I guess in this day and age 24 is young to get married as it seems so many guys particularly are waiting till they hit 30 to pop the question. Added to your problem it seems is that you've been going out since you were 17! i'm wondering if maybe he's the first of his friends to be approaching marriage and maybe he feels a bit nervous taking the step (its always tough for the first guy in a group to do!). but from reading your email I have no doubt that he's committed and that he wants to marry you since he's spoken to you about it. Have you been open with him about your feelings? I'm wondering as well if you're living together, I reckon you probably are - that could also mean that he's quite enjoying the status quo of your situation and maybe he doesnt think there's any need to change it. I guess age is on your side in terms of starting a family etc (it wasn't for me so even though I hated it being a considering factor it had to be as I'm 34)so maybe he doesnt see the urgency. But one way or another I think you have every right to have the expectation of marriage as the next step. I guess what you need from him is just some idea on his timeline for this - is it this year, next or in 4 years time. You need to have an open chat with him and try (hard as it might be) to bring emotion into it. And also I'd suggest you choose your moment (i've learnt the hard way by having so much frustration in me I'd be just about to burst and that isn't the time to force a chat). What works for us (as a suggestion) is to go out for dinner in your favourite restaurant (ours is just up the road with great mad italian owners and its always a treat to us) but for some reason there we always seem to chat about everything out of the ordinary. Its just a really nice ambience and its good to just relax in each others company. Maybe you could do somehting like that or else open a btl of wine one evening at home when the TV is off and just approach it (you could say that you're a bit lost at the moment and you don't know where you are in your life at the moment as you just can't visualise how things are going to work out or when). I don't know about your boyfriend but mine is a real rational thinker, like a lot of guys - and rational sensible discussions are much easier for them to buy into than emotional ones (so saying 'but all of our friends are married and have children by now'just doesn't cut it!)... I think ultimatums never work but a comment like 'its just making me think of my future and that I want to start shaping it now'... it can be a blase remark but maybe it'll make him think that you'll find a path yourself with or without him. Bottom line is he needs to know how you feel but by being strong and confident, let him see how terrible it would be to lose you. Anyway I really hope you can talk to him. I sooo know how you're feeling so please let me know how you're getting on and if I can offer any words to help I'd gladly do that. Take care.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell at last, he proposed! Actually it was at the end of May he finally popped the question but I'm still on cloud 9 so didnt get a chance to update the site. Actually he had bought the ring about 3 months ago but was just waiting for the right opportunity (happened at the top of a waterfall in Wales). I'm thrilled and just back from Nice where we've booked our wedding for this september! Certainly wasn't wasting time.
Just in response to the 'anonymous female reader' who wrote on june 15th about her 7 year relationship. What you said is true, you are very young but still I can obviously understand where you are in your head. Is your boyfriend 24 also? I suppose these days people are getting married so much later so its quite acceptable to wait till you're 30+ (hence my situation) but when you're with someone for 7 yrs but started seeing each other quite young (like you have) its obviously going to be the natural progression you're expecting. And so you should - you're expecting that committment. Are you guys living together? Perhaps you are & maybe its just quite easy for him to just really enjoy the status quo and like most guys maybe he wonders why change anything just yet. If he's talking to you about it then he's thinking about it. I suggest you have an open conversation with him and ask him does he envisage you both marrying in a year/2 years / 3 years. I suggest you really 'pick your time'to have your chat (a lesson I learnt - when my head was ready to explode with frustration I'd just open my mouth and expect to get the answers I wanted!). For me I always find we have the most intimate of conversations when we go out for dinner. You know, get dressed up, order a lovely bottle of wine and just bask in the ambience. Best to remove your emotion if you can (tough I know) but if you try to have a logical / matter of fact discussion it might work better. Men are so much more rational than guys. My guess is that maybe he feels still a bit young & maybe his friends aren't getting married yet so he doesnt want to be the first one? I don't think ultimatums are the answer but a really frank talk where you tell him how much it means to you to take this next step. Anyway please let me know how you get on. Its been a crappy 6 months for me so if I can help in any way please let me know. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): Hi. I'm surprised I found someone in my same situation. It has been about a month since you wrote this..Has there been any proposals since then? I am young, I'm 24, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 yrs and I'm starting to wonder how much longer before he pops the question...of course we talk about it all the time...but that's it. Just talk... I know I'm young, but I don't think that matters, what bothers me is that it has been 7 yrs. I want to marry him.. just wishing it won't be a waste of 7 yrs...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was kind of dreading coming back from work to see what responses there were but you've all been so so nice. Thank you. All of you said something positive and i'm going to re-read them and start asking myself the questions you asked me... even though I'm the most patient girl in the world I think I've just lost all will to be cool (hence all the chats I've been having) ... but you're all right, guys don't like to be pressured and all that. I could never propose myself as I'm a true romantic... well, I don't know if you ever go back to questions you've answered but I'll let you know if it worked. In the meantime my new mantra is to be cool!
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female
reader, honesty +, writes (8 May 2007):
maybe its better that you dont get married i know alot of people whos been together for years and then when they get married eveyting changes
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): i completely understand everything that you are going through. i have been with my boyfriend for 9 wonderful years and haven't felt the need to get engaged until sometime last year. like you, my boyfriend and i have talked about getting married and have even discussed having children. it's not so much that i want to get married right now...it's that i want to know that there is more of a committment between the two of us. i really can't say i'm in the position to give you advice, but i'll tell you what i'm going to do. after much consideration i have come to the decision that i'm going to give my boyfriend until the end of this year to propose and then move on if i have to while i'm still young (i'm 28).
please don't make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum because in the back of your mind you will always remember that you had to twist his arm into it. good luck and i'm hoping for the best for us both!
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Hi there,
I also think you need to sit down and write a list of WHY marriage is important to you. You want to go away for a weekend and show your BF how serious you are about wanting to get married? What is the desired effect you want from him? Do you want him waiting with a ring when you get home? What if nothing has changed when you get back, will you throw away a beautiful relationship over something like this?
Look, I realise marriage is important to you, it is to me too. But stop and read over your question again. You honestly want to end your relationship if he doesn't propose soon, even though you know he wants to marry you eventually? Don't let your friends and family push you and ultimately make you push yourself because you will end up throwing away all the happiness you have spent 7 years making!
You can openly talk about it with you BF and you know he wants to marry you, so why push it? It WILL obviously happen eventually!
I have been with my man for 6 years and we often talk about our wedding day, and yes, while I would love for him to propose now, I know that if I push it won't be real and it won't be right. So I'm just going to leave it and let him do it when he wants to. At the end of the day we are happy being as we are and when the time comes to show it to the world, we will!
Please babe, don't shut the door on your relationship. You go to wonderful places like Prague together, relish in those beautiful moments & things you do instead of laying all your focus on marriage. I'll say it again love, you have talked about marriage with your BF, he knows it's important to you, so eventually he will propose! If you give him an ultimatium he will feel pressured and might not be bothered with it all. So don't give him the opportunity to feel like that, just be cool and bring up the marriage thing again in a year or so if nothing has happened (who knows, he might be planning something wonderful right now!)
xxx
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female
reader, trueheartconfused  +, writes (8 May 2007):
You've spent 7 good years on him , your guy should've porposed to you long time ago.
You've done talking to him, and got nothing,I am wondering if
you can ask one of your mutual friend (he or she needs to be
trust worthy), to ask your boyfriend for you , you need to know what he is thinking. Don't push him directly by yourself , guys don't like being pressured into doing something, he needs to do this on his own.
In the mean time , I would suggest you to meet more people, what if he is afraid of comittment, or he loves you but doesn't love you enough to marry you.Would you be happy to marry somebody like him ?
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, drbroz +, writes (8 May 2007):
 I think you need to read your question and answer it yourself. As if you were your own best friend. Maybe you should also list the reasons marriage is important to you. Is it important? Are there legal reasons, social reasons? Obviously you and your boyfriend need to talk. Most of all, though, you need to talk with your self. No need to leave. Unless you decide to. Nobody here should tell you to leave or to stay.
DrBroz
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): You dont HAVE to marry someone to settle down with them.
Marrage is a peace of papper it dosent make a realationship.
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male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (7 May 2007):
It takes a man anywhere from 2-6 months to save up enough money to buy an engagement ring... Assuming he has an average paying job, else it could be longer or shorter.
This is probably one of the most fragile stages of a relationship, full of secrets and prolonged and draining excitement as you wait, and wait, and wait.
I'd say, give him 6-8 months to get his act together. If he doesn't propose by the end of 8 months, ask him if he is serious about marrying you. If you don't like his answer, it may be time to move out and move on. For all you know, the thought of losing you might be the kick in the pants he needs to motivate him. But, even if it doesn't jump start him, at that point it may just be better to move on... or be prepared to accept the lifestyle you've both grown accustomed to, and forget about marriage.
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