A
female
age
30-35,
*raemills
writes:Here’s some background: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and 8 months. I am 23 and he is 22. He is my first boyfriend and I am his second girlfriend. He is wonderful to me and we really try to treat each other well we have similar views about life and what we want to do in the future. But we don’t really concretely talk about our futures together. It hasn’t always been easy though. I have often had long bouts of insecurities and we almost broke up twice because I got so insecure ( I really emotionally invested myself in him in the beginning and sacrificed a lot of personal interests that I used to enjoy to spend time with him, though he encouraged me not to and I expressed doubts about being with him long term to get reactions out of him). We never did break up though. Those times only made us realize how much we really love each other in our lives. We have been more loving and caring towards each other since. He used to talk about marrying me before those almost breakups but now he is saying that he doesn’t know if he wants to ever get married and its nothing personal against me. He says he doesn’t know if he want to put himself in such a commitment because his wife may change her mind or something and theres no walking away. We are almost out of college and we don’t talk about our future after college which really bugs me. I am curious to know if he sees me in it. Because I’d like him in my life. I can see myself marrying him too. He is wonderful. When I sorta bring it up he just says oh its so far away and oh Im not worried about my life in the future. I am wondering if he would ever want to commit to me too. Does it sound like Im being a neurotic girlfriend or should I tell him these things? I guess I am afraid to bring the future up because I am afraid of some sort of rejection from him.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2011):
 He may truly not be ready to marry. He might have other aspirations in his life before marriage takes place. That is reasonable, since he's fresh out of college and is looking to establish his career.
However, I also tell you this. Your insecurities and your causing crisis by throwing up doubts just to induce a reaction from his actually weakens your case, because he's interpreting it as you possibly flaking out on him. He's afraid that you might break up with him, since you've brought the relationship to that point just to get a reaction from him.
There is also the possibility that you're not the one he wants to marry. Sure he likes you now, but he might not see you as THE ONE. If that's the case, you're wasting your time with him, and he's wasting his with you.
Men see marriage in their view because of timing. They see their friends dropping like flies and feel it's time to settle down, and they see the woman they're with as the one they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Does he want to spend the rest of his life with insecurity and ultimatums? Nope. Do you want to continue a relationship with his declaration of not marrying you? Nope.
Sometimes, relationships have expiration dates. This one might be a college relationship only. Time will tell.
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